I’m only on page 132, but I have to get something off my chest about Fifty Shades of Grey. I know I am supposed to be enthralled by the kink factor or whatever is going to happen in that “Spanish Inquisition” room over the next 350 pages, but I am so distracted by the fashion in this book that I can’t get excited by any of the other parts.
Call me repressed or shallow (I have been called worse), but who gets hot knocking boots in Converse tennis shoes? I don’t actually want to have sex within 2 floors of a Converse tennis shoe. There have already been five references to Anastasia’s Converse shoes. Those shoes are a lot of things (retro, comfy, whimsical), but they are not hot. Maybe when Anthony Edwards wore them to play basketball with George Clooney in 1993 on ER after a particularly harrowing surgery they were sexy. But, I actually think it was the green scrubs that made that scene sexy. And George Clooney.
I have Converse shoes– navy– that I wear to the park. The sexiest encounter I have had wearing mine was diving into the sandbox to keep Simon from eating a cat turd. You will have to ask Jeff how sexy that was.
And the outfit Anastasia wore on her first real date with Christian which began on his helipad? Her “black jeans” and a “mint-green top”? Oh for the love of whips and chains, it makes my imagination bleed because it sounds so ugly. Somehow I don’t think she’s talking skinny black jeans like Sofia Vergara wears on Modern Family. I can’t help but picture the stiff, slightly faded black Guess jeans I wore in high school in suburban Dallas. Believe me, they may have been trendy in 1989, but they weren’t hot. If ever they were steamy it was only because Dallas, Texas is hotter than the hinges of hell.
What’s this “soft mint-green shirt” she wore? Why am I picturing a fake Izod piqué polo shirt with the collar upturned? It’s doing a lot for me (like convulsions of distaste) but it’s not turning me on. I can only hope that “Kate’s black jacket” that Anastasia borrowed salvaged this outfit, but that is only possible if it was a very long black trench coat that acted as a curtain for her ensemble (and also covered her shoes).
People, when Christian first deflowers Anastasia, she mentions that he removes her shoes and socks. (“[H]e grasps my foot and undoes my Converse, pulling off my shoe and sock.” p. 114.) SOCK? I just lost my erection. When was the last time you wore socks on a first date? In the book, it was May, so it’s not like they hiked through a snow mound. I am a boring old married lady, and even I don’t wear socks when Jeff and I go on a date to
Chipotle a local bistro for free-range veggie burgers.
And maybe it’s sexy in Seattle to workout in gray sweatpants as Christian did (p. 65). But did anyone else picture John Goodman from Roseanne when you read that? Couldn’t he have worn black wind pants or some Adidas striped ones? Lululemon has a man branch– wouldn’t a billionaire have some $180.00 wicking pants?
I know I am missing the forest for the trees here, but I can’t get past the Costco-inspired wardrobe. I don’t want my soft-porn littered with tube socks, tennis shoes, and gray sweatpants– that’s what my weekly trip to Costco is for. I want a full escape, E.L. James. I want some Prada heels or at least an Ann Taylor Loft sweater set in a better color than Girl-Scout-cookie green.
Only one question: Should I keep reading?