Being Named After Christ Leads To Rejection On J-Date

I am named after Jesus Christ, the savior of the Christian world, so naturally I tried to find a husband on J-Date.

NOT the symbol of my youth

NOT the symbol of my youth

What?

Don’t look at me like that. I like a challenge.

I found myself reminiscing about my stint on J-Date, which is best described for anyone who doesn’t know, as Match.com for Jewish singles.  I fit exactly half the criteria. I was single.  The Jewish part? Well, I was willing to learn Hebrew (I was a wiz at Spanish), and I hated ham, so I let my friend who had recently married a great Jewish man put me on J-Date.

She posted a picture of me that was a close-enough approximation of my Irish-Catholic face.  She answered the questions on my behalf.  She conceded that I did not keep kosher (apparently simple ham avoidance does not make one kosher) and that I was not exactly Ashkenazi.  While she filled out my profile, I played with her daughter, while weeping uncontrollably about being lonely on Saturday nights.

She also picked out a profile name that was religiously ambiguous.  Something like “Not a Shiksa.”  I can’t remember. Details are fuzzy.

The next day I got a few emails from nice gentlemen who had seen my new profile.  We chatted over email. It was just like my previous stint on e-harmony without all the questions about my stance on pre-martial sex or my favorite New Testament Bible verse.  I “met” a baker and a diamond broker (cha-ching) and a lawyer or two.  It all went so well.

Until they learned my name.

“So, what’s your name, Not-A-Shiksa?”

“Christie.”

“Your name is Christie?”

“Yes, like ‘Christ’ with an ‘i’ and an ‘e.'”

“Well, I am looking for a Jewish woman. I don’t date women who aren’t Jewish. That’s why I am on J-Date.”

“Oh.”

“Why are you on J-Date, if you don’t mind me asking?”

And that’s when I would usually sob and pour my heart out to the sweet mensch on the other end of the phone who asked a perfectly valid question, but got a perfectly long-winded, pathetic answer about my loneliness, my friend’s new Jewish husband, and how I had heard that Jewish men are always nice to their women. “Oh, and my therapist is Jewish,” was a line I started throwing in because I heard Jewish men like honesty.  And therapy.

“Well, good luck to you, Christie.”

“Thanks.”

How many times did I have that conversation? Probably about five.  Per week.  Every single time it felt like rejection, which it was, but it started to feel less personal each time Marc or Barry or Jonathan said he would pass on dating me because of religion. I told one suitor (I called them my “Jewtors”) that I was willing to convert to Judaism, but he said, “it wouldn’t count.”

Maybe it was weird to offer to convert before even meeting Neil, but I had a good feeling based on the grammar in his emails and the polite way he answered the phone.

These days, I often wonder how I will parlay my J-Date experience into something useful for my children.  Will I use it during a religious tolerance speech? Maybe I will use it when illustrating how to set yourself up for success instead of five-times-weekly rejection. Maybe I will draw on that time of my life when I give them dating advice.

Then again, they are smart kids, so they probably won’t be asking me for advice; they will ask their father (a nice Jewish man who never went on J-Date) and get some advice they can actually use.

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63 thoughts on “Being Named After Christ Leads To Rejection On J-Date

  1. This is one of your funniest posts yet! I wish I had known you better then. I’m not sure why :-). I see you using this experience as fodder for your novel (back story for your heroine) and in your future stint as an advice columnist! Well done!

    • I do have some happy memories of the funny conversations when I got dumped (sight unseen) for not being Jewish. Really, what did I think would happen? Perhaps the funnier story is the guy I dated for 10 months from J-Date….and by funny, I mean tragic in that single-girl sort of way. Oy!

  2. Oh my goodness – I love this. Too funny. How do you think I would fare on J-Date with my triple-barrelled-decidedly-not-Jewish-but-Irish-name? :)

  3. I had no idea that something like J-Date existed. If I’d known you back then I’d have posted you on FarmersOnly.com instead. You could have beaten Ree Drummond to the punch.

  4. This story is hysterical to me on so many levels.

    I worked with a lot of Jewish men (NYC real estate) and it was funny to hear their stories about dating. They all belonged very strongly to one of two camps – they MUST marry Jewish or they could NOT fathom marrying a Jewish woman. There was very little “I’m open!” or “sure, I’d give an Irish Catholic a shot!”. So glad it worked out for you!

  5. Funny! I’m glad that it all worked out in the end and that, though you didn’t find your mate on J-Date (there’s a bad jingle for ya), you got a lovely and humorous story from the experience.

  6. Oh my word I am dying from laughing!
    “Jewtors” should be submitted to Merriam Webster, in my opinion!

  7. I went to Tufts University; it’s nickname was Temple Beth Tufts. When I arrived there as a freshman, the other students assumed I was Jewish and invited me to Temple. I didn’t decline their offer, I just told them my last name was Cereola and they never asked again. I only dated Jewish girls in college; Gentiles must have been forbidden fruit. When the parents of a girl I was seeing found out I wasn’t Jewish, they demanded that their daughter end the relationship. They relented, till the end of the semester after she told them I was tutoring her in physics.

    • I love it! Come to think of it, I am not sure if my parents might have had some feelings about me not marrying a Catholic. I swear I will never do that to my kids.

  8. This is so funny! Jewtors. Bahaha! Dating websites freak me out. I ahve a close friend who’s newly divorced from a 15 year marriage. She married her HS sweetheart, and never dated anyone. She’s recently joined Plenty of Fish. I keep calling Pick a Fish by mistake and she keeps telling me, It’s PLENTY of fish. oops.

  9. Oh goodness. I had a hard enough time just with plain-ole online dating! (hence why I no longer do it) But to J-date as a non-J? Cojones, girl! Or… masochistic like you said. Lots of things in here I relate to. Thanks!

  10. There is so much in this, but in the first read, the awesomeness in this piece is “…they will ask their father (a nice Jewish man ….” oh, I’m still reeling with mad happiness, shock, and love for what life throws us. Love it. Love the honesty, the candor…love this.

  11. Ok, this was hilarious. I’ve been terrified of online dating sites ever since my friend and I got bored and created a fake profile on e-harmony. This chick was almost 6 feet tall, model-slim, blonde, and had a PhD. We got a lot of “matches.” One of the guys claimed that “the Spirit moved him” to contact us. I’ll bet it did! At least your guys were honest with you!

  12. my mother said, after I broke off an engagement, ‘well, you should marry a jewish man because they make the best husbands.” I said, “ma, you can say that about an entire group of people?” she said “sure.” untroubled by larger ethnic stereotypes, that woman. for the record? she didn’t marry a jew, not for husband 1 or husband 2. so im really unsure about where her advice comes from – it’s certainly not personal experience…!

  13. Pingback: Finding the Funny #24 {And Happy 4th of July!} - My Life and Kids

  14. I love that your J-date’s name was Neil. As in Diamond. As in the Jazz Singer. The ultimate J-date. It is just me? (Don’t feel bad. It usually is.)

    Anyway, I think the next time you should turn the shaming back on him. Tell him you thought the “J” stood for Jesus. Tell him you don’t know how he can sit there judging YOU while HE’S chowing down on steak (on a FRIDAY!) Then, tell him how much you can’t wait to decorate your Christmas tree with him and ask him if the Communion host makes HIM thirsty, too.

    (It’s okay for me to say these things. I’m Catholic. Isn’t that the way it works?)

    • Hilarious! I did think the name Neil was awesome for a 25-year-old player who only wanted to play with Jewish women. I told him I would take an accredited Internet conversion class. Then he hung up.

      Thank you for the laugh!!!

  15. Ha! So you DID end up with a Jewish man! That’s craziness. This post made me laugh. You were spot on with the name Barry!

    (Thanks for linking this up over at #findingthefunny last week!)

  16. Funny stuff…Jewtors…lol! I’m sure it wasn’t so much they weren’t interested in you as it was they didn’t want to have to face their mothers or risk losing out on part of the inheritance because they decided to hook up with a scarlet instead of a nice Jewish girl.

    I personally don’t understand the whole Jewish, kosher, whatever thing. Not that I don’t accept it, I mean I literally don’t know what it means to be either!

    I always feel like I missed out on something by never getting to experience internet dating. Stupid me with my happy long relationship with my current wife…

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