Are you obsessed with Costco? There are warning signs, people. You gotta get on top of them or you will find yourself thinking thoughts similar to those that Charlie Sheen has about hookers and blow.
I am here to help, because I
am have been there. Review this checklist. If you see yourself in 4 or more of these scenarios, please get help. Before it’s too late.
1o Signs You May Be Addicted To Costco
- Do you refuse to date a man/woman who does not belong to Costco? (Bonus points if you married the first man/woman you dated who has a Costco membership.)
- At your wedding, did you request Costco frozen yogurt (chocolate-vanilla swirl) instead of the more traditional wedding cake? (Bonus points if you begged your fiance to be allowed to register at Costco.)
- Did you read the kinkiest book to hit the mainstream since Philip Roth’s Portnoy’s Complaint, but all you could do was picture that magic middle section of Costco, where cheaply priced clothes sit heaped on tables? (You are very, very sick.)
- Have you ever written a blog post that did NOT mention Costco? In fact, if you tried to link your readers to all of your posts where Costco is mentioned, the world wide web would blow up.
- When your husband/wife refuses to let you name your son “Costco” (or “Kirkland,” after Costco’s in-house brand), did you pout for 72 hours and continue to hold a grudge long after the baby was born with a name not yanked from a big box retailer?
- When asked what you would grab in the tragic event that your house catches fire, would you blurt out “my Costco card,” before mentioning your children, pets, or valuable family heirlooms?
- When other people brag about the exotic vacations bought with “miles” from their consulting jobs, do you pipe up and brag about your platinum membership at Costco without a trace of irony?
- When you accidentally forgot that Costco closes at the outrageously early hour of 6 PM on Sundays, did you weep openly at the doors begging for entrance?
- Did your babies learn to say the word “Costco” before they could say “Mama”?
- Does your nightstand look like this:
If you answered yes to four or more of these, you have a problem, but you are not alone. You’ve got me! If you answered yes to at least one of these questions, you should get some help. You know where they just started selling mental health services at cost? Yes! At Costco– right next to the house painting and the funeral services. Check it out.