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Are you obsessed with Costco? There are warning signs, people. You gotta get on top of them or you will find yourself thinking thoughts similar to those that Charlie Sheen has about hookers and blow.
I am here to help, because I am have been there. Review this checklist. If you see yourself in 4 or more of these scenarios, please get help. Before it’s too late.
1o Signs You May Be Addicted To Costco
- Do you refuse to date a man/woman who does not belong to Costco? (Bonus points if you married the first man/woman you dated who has a Costco membership.)
- At your wedding, did you request Costco frozen yogurt (chocolate-vanilla swirl) instead of the more traditional wedding cake? (Bonus points if you begged your fiance to be allowed to register at Costco.)
- Did you read the kinkiest book to hit the mainstream since Philip Roth’s Portnoy’s Complaint, but all you could do was picture that magic middle section of Costco, where cheaply priced clothes sit heaped on tables? (You are very, very sick.)
- Have you ever written a blog post that did NOT mention Costco? In fact, if you tried to link your readers to all of your posts where Costco is mentioned, the world wide web would blow up.
- When your husband/wife refuses to let you name your son “Costco” (or “Kirkland,” after Costco’s in-house brand), did you pout for 72 hours and continue to hold a grudge long after the baby was born with a name not yanked from a big box retailer?
- When asked what you would grab in the tragic event that your house catches fire, would you blurt out “my Costco card,” before mentioning your children, pets, or valuable family heirlooms?
- When other people brag about the exotic vacations bought with “miles” from their consulting jobs, do you pipe up and brag about your platinum membership at Costco without a trace of irony?
- When you accidentally forgot that Costco closes at the outrageously early hour of 6 PM on Sundays, did you weep openly at the doors begging for entrance?
- Did your babies learn to say the word “Costco” before they could say “Mama”?
- Does your nightstand look like this:
Loves of my life: Simon, Sadie, and COSTCO
If you answered yes to four or more of these, you have a problem, but you are not alone. You’ve got me! If you answered yes to at least one of these questions, you should get some help. You know where they just started selling mental health services at cost? Yes! At Costco– right next to the house painting and the funeral services. Check it out.
Costco was the first retail establishment littleman knew. Lucky for me he still says it with enthusiasm. We’ll see how long that lasts.
Same with Simon. Long before mama, he was saying Costco. I felt a mix of pride and shame!
Bravo! I’m cryin’ down here in Texas!
Get thee to Costco!
I’m sneaking this comment. It’s my mom’s birthday (my original Cancer role model) and I am supposed to be cleaning up pancake batter. But I couldn’t resist.
Why, why must you rub this in? I’m still a Costco virgin and now I am starting to feel like the only one (damn peer pressure). I think there is one just over the river in NJ. I have to get a plan.
Well, Happy Birthday mom who gave us you! I won’t tell her you shirked your pancake clean-up duties. Here’s your consolation: you have MOMA and Batali and the Village and Seth Meyers. I have Costco. It’s not really a contest. And Kirkland is an awesome name (right, JEFF?????). Simon Kirkland Ellis….had a great ring, just like Kirkland Alexander Ellis. Damn. I never win the big arguments.
Wait, you didn’t even win the middle name? That is flat out wrong. I LOVE that – Simon Kirkland Ellis. For reals.
Don’t give up hope. I know I haven’t…http://welcometothemotherhood.com/2011/12/09/this-could-be-a-name-changer/
Don’t get me started on name wars. Twas a dark chapter.
PS – is it wrong that I actually like the name Kirkland? It’s got a southern feel to it.
This is HILARIOUS! I have a friend who is totally addicted to Costco…She should just build her house as an attachment to the store! I wonder if they should start some sort of rehab therapy??
Oh they should. My husband and I both need it!
Outlaw Mama, you are my hero. I’m a 24-year-old girl whose idea of a KICK ASS weekend involves hitting up the Lincoln Park Costco on Saturday morning. I’m from the South (see: Sam’s Club), so when my boyfriend and I moved to Chicago, our first date in the city involved getting our Costco cards and eating hot dog combos (and froyo for dessert). I knew I was in love when he bought me 32 organic eggs for $3
Omg. We go to the same Costco!!!!! Might we have been there at the same time? Lakeview Costco patrons unite! Yours is a romance that is destined to last. I hate hot dogs generally but the Costco dog is damn good!
Oh yes and I grew up on Sams Club too.
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Many times have I weeped at the 6 PM closing time on Sundays, LOL.
Brutal right?
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