The following is a true story:
I got into the elevator on the way to my therapist’s office (18th floor). A man wearing scrubs got in right behind me and pushed the button for the 19th floor. He was wearing the full scrubs get-up, including that shower-cap-looking head covering. He was holding a plastic baggie full of what looked like leftovers from lunch.
Me and Enrique Igelsias getting into an elevator
I was in a bit of a mood (for the full description of that day’s previous melodrama, click here), so I decided to mess with him. I am sociopathic like that.
Me: Is that a human heart?
[Wide-eyed and confused until he realized I was talking about the 7 bites of his leftover Jimmy Johns sandwich he stuffed in the bag]
Him: I am a dentist.
Me: OH MY GOD, some people have teeth in their hearts? Can I see?
Him: This is not a heart.
Me: But is that a bag of teeth that you pulled from someone’s heart?
Him: No. I don’t really know what you are talking about.
Me: You are the one holding heart teeth in the elevator.
Him: No I am not.
Me: If someone is born with teeth in their heart, is that considered a congenital heart defect?
Him: I don’t really know.
Me: How many times during your whole lifetime have you said, ‘open wide’?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Could you figure it out? How many times per day and roughly how many days have you worked since you got your cardiologist’s license?
Him: I am not a cardiologist; I am a dentist.
Me: Then, you probably shouldn’t be holding a human heart in a baggie in the elevator. You should use the service elevator.
Him: Are you ok? You don’t seem well.
Me: You have no idea. You have no freaking idea.
[DING! The elevator doors opened to the 18th floor.]
Me: You think you have it bad trying to extract teeth from human hearts? Think how my therapist feels– he’s gotta treat someone like me.
Him: Um…..
Me: Have a nice day!
* * *
How your elevator game?
This is just awesome. I hope I meet you in an elevator sometime.
Me too! I hope you are carrying leftovers.
I would have loved to have witnessed that. He must have been baffled. Hilarious.
I cannot stop laughing. I only want to ride elevators with you from here on out. I think next Friday I am going to give this a shot myself.
Report back!
My luck I’ll end up shot or stabbed. Or peed on. It is NYC.
Oh, GAWD! I am laughing so hard I can’t stop!!! That poor man… What utter cruelty to inflict on a dentist! Of all the brass-tacks types of men in the world, they must be the cut-and-driest. I can see him scratching his head from here!
Absurdity definitely becomes you, Ms. Christie!
(and because I read ahead, your Blue Baby story is as beautiful and whole as this one was, shall we say, unhinged…) Love ya!
I gotta keep ya’ll guessing! Now you can have a taste of what it’s like in my head– from pathos to the sublime to tragedy to hilarity. It’s exhausting being me. And I totally agree about dentists– that was so freaking fun you have no idea. Elevators without dentists seem lonely now. Unhinged = Best compliment ever.
Mahalo.
You are awesome! So wish I could see a tape of this–amazing!
Me too!
Group road trip to Chicago to escort Christie around all the elevators and listen! Meet you guys at Christie’s!
Someone being a video camera!
So what about the security camera? That would be awesome. Ellen
Omg!!!
Outlaw Mama,
I need to thank you. I’ve just recently found your blog and hadn’t visited in quite a while so I read from the Bronzed Shoes post down to here…. First, thank you for the laughs. Second – can we hang together? I had a real Oprah Aha moment reading your blog today!!!! I NEED TO LIGHTEN UP!!!! I am taking life much too seriously – wow! Messing with that poor dentist in the elevator – genius – that I would never attempt. You already know how to play – I need to learn. I don’t even have a therapist! I’ll be hanging out here to learn from you! Thanks!
I will impart everything I know. I suspect the useful stuff you read here is stuff I learned from others. And the cringe-worthy stuff–that’s all me. And yes, we can totally hang!!!!