From The Desk of Outlaw Mama
July 20, 2012
The Academy For Young Genius Minds
314 North Prodigy Lane
North Pleasantville, Illinois 60600
Thank you so much for the packet welcoming our daughter to preschool this fall! It’s hard to believe school is only 6 weeks away. Actually, that’s a good thing, because it will take me about 6 weeks to fill out all of the forms you sent me. Whew. Luckily, half the box was a questionnaire about allergies, which are not applicable to our daughter, so that gave me back about 7 hours of my life.
It’s weird because your assistant has stopped answering my calls recently. The three calls I placed yesterday to talk about the choices on the organic salad bar went straight to voice mail. I am sure you are busy getting ready for school, so I am writing this letter to memorialize some of my concerns.
First, you were considerate enough to ask what Sadie likes to be called. Great question! Around here she goes by “Royal Highness of the Planet Earth,” but she will answer to “Royal Highness Of The Earth.” I wanted to find out if anyone else goes by that. Can you release that information to me? I don’t think Royal Highness Of The Earth will react well to having to share her
Second, you should know that Royal Highness Of The Earth is quite precocious. I don’t mean to toot my own kazoo, but she has my mental aptitude. Please let her teacher know that she could spell by age two. I am sure lots of parents brag about their children’s uncanny abilities, but I am not exaggerating. For example, she can spell “BINGO.” She knows it is “B-I-N-G-O.” Genius. Please allow her access to the library any time she wants. Her mind would be a terrible thing to waste. Oh! And, she will be taking the ACT and SATs in the fall, so it would mean a great deal to us if you could support her efforts to excel at standardized testing. Please teach her how
to stop eating to use a pencil.
Third, in my packet, I did not receive my bumper sticker. You know the one I am talking about? “My Daughter is an honor roll student at The Academy For Young Genius Minds.” I know she hasn’t started preschool yet, but I just cleaned off the bumper on my mini van (those Team Ann Currie stickers were stubborn), so now I just need the sticker. Actually, if you could send one for Simon as well, that would be great. There’s room for two. I am a big proponent of letting my kids know that I believe in them.
Finally, I keep hearing about aggressive, helicopter parents who make life insufferable for teachers, administrators and other parents in school communities. Would it be terribly awkward for me to ask for a list of any such parents? I promise I would keep it confidential. It’s not like I would post it on my website. I just want to know who to keep my distance from when we start this school adventure. God, is there anything worse than a “stage mom”? It’s just so sad that parents can’t take a step back and see that they are alienating themselves from their schools and their children. Let’s just let kids be kids, right?
Oh, one more thing. Royal Highness Of The Earth is going to have to leave school early every afternoon: Mondays she has intensive violin instruction (she’s preparing for her Chicago Symphony Orchestra audition in 2020); Tuesdays she has her toddler blogging seminar; Wednesdays she attends a silent meditation workshop; Thursdays she will be doing Sanskrit immersion and conversational Hindi; and Fridays she will be volunteering at the homeless shelter. I recognize this may cut into her 2.75-hour preschool day, but she’s insisting that she keep up with her activities.
Looking forward to running for School Board President this Spring. (I am told my chances will be much better than last year, when I didn’t have kids at the school yet.)
Mother of Royal Highness Of The Earth, Outlaw Mama