How A Little Thing Called “Pinterest” Ruined My Weekend

Oh that hilarious Outlaw Mama with her tips for attending birthday parties. Isn’t she clever!  Isn’t she witty! If she’s so damn “on it”, then where’s her Monday post?

Well that’s a good question. And speaking of questions, here are the questions I found myself perseverating over this fine Monday morning, on the back end of hosting a party for Sadie’s third birthday. At my house. With 187 children under 5 years old. (It’s my damn blog so I can exaggerate if I want.  And I want. But even if I told you the truth– that there were only approximately 3 kids there– it was still an unholy mess and a bad, bad idea.  I blame Pinterest.)

Let’s start with the basic questions:

Why?

Why did we host the party ourselves?

Why did we have a make-your-own-pizza party for three year olds?

Why did we do it in our house?

And why in the name of sweet sun tea did we include the decorate-your-own-cupcake station?

Who the hell is going to clean up my kitchen floor?

Why did we make 144 cupcakes for 35 people?

Why did I eat half the leftovers?

The more profound questions:

When I found a piece of pizza covered, not in delicious Costco pizza sauce, but red frosting, why did I eat it?

Why did I look around for more frosting-covered pizza?

Would I have eaten more if I had found it?

Why are you asking yourself such stupid questions, when you know you would have eaten it?

Why did I lick chocolate sprinkles off the kitchen table in front of Sadie, who now thinks licking the table is just part of what we do? (Like peeing in the kitchen sink when someone locks herself in the bathroom)

Why did I let Simon have cupcakes for dinner last night?  With green frosting?

And how can I be sure someone else changes his diaper for the next 72 hours?

Questions of an even deeper nature:

Why didn’t I get a more protein-centric breakfast?

Why did I fuck up my kids naps before the pizza-cupcake disaster of 2012?

How come we didn’t take any pictures of me on the one day this summer my hair looked amazing?  (Think Katie Couric in the late 90s.)

Why do I think I have any business trying shit I saw pinned on Pinterest? (Note to self: if you think those pins of women doing impossible Pilates poses are impossible, remember the party pins are worse. Way worse. Refer self to this post.)

Why did I ever join Pinterest?

Why didn’t I listen to friends who loved me when they said “Don’t do it at your house!  Too much work.”

Will they forgive me for calling them lazy bitches and making fun of their “commercial” birthday parties?

Will Jeff forgive me for putting soda cans still approximately 75% full in a leaking plastic bag?

Will he forgive me for lying, when I swore I emptied out the soda cans before putting them in a bag I allegedly didn’t know was leaking?

Will you forgive me for being too bloated and fogged up in a Pinterest-shame haze to write a glowing review of the party?

* * *

Do you have any questions for me?  (Like, “where are the pictures? Party sounds a-maz-ing, Outlaw Mama!” You know where the pictures are? They are seared in my memory threatening to stalk me for the rest of my life, which is why there are no actual shots because I am busy researching PTSD facilities in the greater Chicago area.)

Thanks for asking.

Anything else?

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34 thoughts on “How A Little Thing Called “Pinterest” Ruined My Weekend

  1. Wow. Remember the comment I wrote on your post about How to Get the Most Out of a Kiddie Party begging you for lessons? Disregard it. It’s painfully obvious to me that there is no way I can hang with you in the party department.

    By the way, Pinterest was created by the same people who created Barbie. Beautiful to look at, anatomically impossible to duplicate.

  2. Yeah I feel ya! Today I’m recovering from my daughter’s first birthday party we hosted yesterday. Of course I posted the pics on facebook of the kids playing my organized games..cute cute cute. What people didn’t see was the pic of me wacking the piñata open myself after the thing disconnected from the hook… The kids looked on as a hacked the owl to death… Pretty sure my 10 lb dog has also vomitted at least three times after eating at least 4 hotdogs… Hi Christina!! I got my locket from Kelly today (and love it) but I’m pretty sure I’m missing a charm. I dumped my receipt :( but I THINK I ordered a cross charm with diamonds that I didn’t get. Is there a way you can check that for me when you are back from vaca?  

    Also I can’t wait for my party but I need to chit chat with you about the date we picked. I may need to reschedule it.

    Safe travels!
    Kylie Weaver

    • I knew I shouldn’t have posted that on my phone… Please disregard starting from “Hi Christina”… how the hell did I manage to paste and copy from a completely different e-mail? I am so awesome

  3. Do you bring your show on the road? Will you host, cater, and manage my 40th bday? Can Jeff do Elvis impressions? Will Sadie share her recipe for pizza? Can I borrow Simon’s diaper (see there is this ex husband of mine… Oh n/m)? Did you pin your experience to Pinterest yet? Did Sadie get a puppy? AND FINALLY what will you tell your therapist when you cannot top this for Simon’s party? Inquiring minds want to know :)

  4. Wow….I learned this lesson re parties as a teenager. Mom and I hosted a party for my baby sister. There were games, prizes, goody bags, mini pizzas, cake, and ice cream. For two days we were finding half eaten pizza and cake, and melted ice cream in nooks and crannies all over the house. I’m sure you can relate.

    We learned to offer only cake, shorten the party considerably, and rent a movie or hire an entertainer. The next year an entertainer performed puppet shows and did face painting. We then had cake, opened presents, and everyone left. Best. Party. Ever.

    Kudos on tne extra effort though. The cupcake station was inspired. You’ll be finding sprinkles for days!

    • I am sure there is a bright side of crushed sprinkles all over my house, but it’s not coming to me….maybe in case there is a famine, I will be set for sugar. Or when the ants come, I will know why. Knowledge is power. And puppet show sounds so fun.

  5. You may be too young to remember, but your post reminded me of the end of each episode of that show Soap in the 70’s… .Brilliant!

  6. My friend starts planning the day after her kids birthday. For one year, she shops, plans, etc. I was her wicked witch last Sunday in an Oz themed party. This is the one big thing that we don’t have in common. Refuse to get in pinterest. Could I just throw pizza, buy a cupcake and be done with it? But alas, new school and kinder awaits me. What we do for our kids to have friends. I still have until Jan/Feb. and that stresses me out. Maybe I will outsource to my party planning friend. UGH.

  7. This post is killing me. And having been there, I can say Outlaw Mama is not exaggerating about the utter, utter chaos that was Sadie’s party. But you left out how Sadie was beaming beyond belief when she got her cake,made of cupcakes and how all the kids had a total blast. Oh, and you did have really good hair.

  8. I have done a few (a few too many) at home parties! The Martha Stewart in me just can’t help herself. My almost 12-yr old is proposing an at-home Hunger Games themed co-Ed competitive party where they may or may not fight to their deaths. We are lobbying for ultimate laser tag. You may want to note for future–slumber parties also suck and you won’t have your cool friends there to tell you your hair looks great. Kids you don’t know that well wandering into your bedroom all. Night. Long. Don’t. Do. It! Also if you fill 200 water balloon the night before the party and leave them in the sun, they will all pop by morning.

    • Noooooooo. Just nooooooooo. Want some help with that Hunger Games party? Because if you go there, I want to see it. Thanks for the tips. My takeaway: slumber parties are out…. I sleep naked; I don’t want to be arrested.

  9. My kids’ birthday party is this Saturday. Their birthdays are 6 weeks apart and at this point they have the same friends. One party. Last year I took one look at my house, thought about cleaning it to make it “party-ready” (read: clean enough for snoopy people), and decided renting the local SplashPad for 3 hours was worth any amount of money. The kids loved it so much we’re doing it there again this year. No planning games, minimal food, worn out kids. Win, win, win. Yes, I know I will pay for this ease with the most horrendous sleepover ever in about 5-10 years

  10. What you need is a Friend Who has Powers with Children. Picture nine 7-year-old boys playing “pin the light saber on yoda” and my friend Katie saying “sit down, be quiet, and use the Force to help.” Amazingly, it worked. And that is why I am *never* hosting another birthday party at my house, either. Because it will never work again, I’m quite sure.

  11. Hilarious post and party from start to finish! I was there. Cupcake and pizza toppings everywhere. Sadie’s sheer joy when we were singing happy birthday to her . . . Absolutely priceless!!!

  12. LOL! Oh, man. This is why for our next birthday party we will be looking for a full service Chuck E. Cheez -esk location (only not actually Chuck E. Cheez because the one near us has actual rats and is generally speaking the party venue for the People of Wal-Mart).

    I don’t know about Pinterest. I’m on it but after 10 minutes hanging out there I’m like, “OMG. If you needlessly put one more thing in a crockpot I’m going to get a BB gun and shoot allllllll your *&(#ing Mason jars.”

    • The crock pot over usage is criminal. And annoying. I am stepping away from pinterest until the wounds heal. Same thing with Chuck E Cheese– the real rat situation plagues our locations as well.

  13. Had I known there was frosting covered pizza to be had, I would have stayed even longer!! A great party and post! And happy birthday Ms. Sadie (she licks the table and Rhys eats stuff of the floor – a good team).

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