Uh Oh– Flight For BlogHer’12 Leaves in 2 Hours

It would be bad to miss my flight to NYC for the BlogHer’12 conference, right?  So, why am I sitting here breathing into a paper bag waiting for the iron to heat up so I can iron yet another shirt because the first 5 I tried just didn’t feel right?

The last time I used the iron I lived in Texas and it was 1995.

I just left a voicemail for my therapist, who is no stranger to conferences, but I haven’t heard back from him.  I just want some sage, last-minute advice.  Jerk. I can’t believe after all I have done for him he has the gall to have other patients. What ever happened to loyalty?

Hrmph.

Anyway, we’ve been working all summer on my corrosive competitiveness, which tends to sap the joy out of my life.  I was hoping to rid myself of my need to compete and be the best BEFORE boarding the plane to BlogHer because, let’s face it, I am just another Bozo on the blogging bus.  And I want to go and connect and learn how to blog better and GOOD LORD, would it kill me to ever post a good graphic?  Thing is, I used to approach everything with a maniacal drive to be the very best or die trying.

But, I decided 3 weeks ago that I needed a new motivation, and my new motivation for writing is to heal.  So, instead of trying to be popular or get lots of comments or go viral, I have written to heal parts of myself– big wounds and small.  It’s changed me a lot, but now….Now I am headed to a conference without the greatest armor I have ever known: TRYING TO BE THE BEST and win the race.

I don’t recognize myself.  There’s a huge void where that drive used to be.  I don’t know who I am or how to approach anyone or anything.

Turns out, a summer is not nearly long enough to shed a lifelong way of being and relating to the world.

But, the flight is leaving with or without me and all my baggage.  And while I am lighter without dragging around this need to constantly prove my worth by being the greatest effing thing of all time, this lightness feels a little unbearable.

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21 thoughts on “Uh Oh– Flight For BlogHer’12 Leaves in 2 Hours

  1. Let me describe what this new world looks like: It’s cooperative, can you effing imagine? We go higher by lifting each other up. It’s accepting, loving and safe. It’s so much better than being alone, defensive and hard. You can still be the best, because you are. Me trying to be my best doesn’t take that away from you. Let go of that shit, it doesn’t fit you anymore, just like those first five shirts.

  2. I understand the need to compete and be the best and what I’ve found is that drive is a good servant but a bad master. Just let it all go and have FUN! For goodness sake, you’re gonna be in NYC with a lot of other interesting, cool, and fun bloggers who all have their emotional baggage too. It’s gonna be one big therapist-less party! Please tell me you’ll enjoy it for the rest of us!

  3. As a longtime BlogHer lurker…(I don’t go, I just read about it)…rest assured that no one there is more healed, more funny, or more awesome than you. I love what Carinn says. You are going to rock that conference with HOW MUCH FUN you have. Hugs. Proud of you!

      • Yep–what Karen said was what I was going to say–so how was it? I’m a few days behind reading — but I grew up being pretty damn competitive. Some of that is good and some of it can be pretty damn self-destructive. I’m finding that as I get more confident, that need to show everyone else how good my stuff is . . . has faded. xo

  4. Good luck! I know you’ll have a great time and I’m sure you’ll have great stuff to post afterwards.

    I’m out the door too today…on vacation. How the heck do people travel with babies? I packed the whole freakin’ house. I may have my own stress attack before leaving! Argh

  5. I love you, admire you and think you are AMAZING. Your description of all of this is spot on and healing to read and experience. Hope day one went splendidly and you’re getting good info I can steal! xoxoxoxo

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