My kids are going to be very confused when they figure out some of the “creative” ways I have explained things to them. It’s not lying; it’s just tempering reality to make it more digestible for their little systems. Nevertheless, I hope I am not around when they discover just how far from reality I have strayed.
This summer has been a particularly fertile time both for their questions and for my answers. Here are the top 6 most creative lies explanations I have given my children:
1. GUM: Sadie has realized that I always have gum in my mouth. Naturally, she’s curious; she wants some. I have told her that those special pink rectangles are “Mommy’s medicine,” which is not good for little people so I don’t offer her any. “The medicine keeps Mommy healthy and satisfies her relentless need for oral stimulation.”
2. CONDOMS: We’ve been a little negligent about putting private, adult materials in drawers that the kids can’t reach. So when Sadie came across the numerous condoms in Jeff’s drawer (they are sold at Costco, so it’s a bulk-sized stash), I had to explain what they were. I told her they were “special band-aids for daddies.” That’s not a lie, is it?
3. TORTILLAS: I am not proud of this, but it was an emergency the day I told Sadie that when you have a special kind of runny nose, you have to blow into flour tortillas instead of tissues. This is definitely not a lie because when Sadie had that “special” runny nose, I didn’t have any tissues with me at the park. I did, however, have 12 extra-large flour tortillas, so I made it work. It’s not a lie if it’s true, people.
4. ICE CREAM TRUCK: I told the children in the early summer days that the ice cream truck only plays that special music when it runs out of ice cream. Now, when the other children appear to be huddling around the musical truck plastered with pictures of confections, my kids know there is no ice cream left. That is a lie, but I stole it from Mammalingo, who’s brilliant, so I am pretty sure I am forgiven because I am only the messenger.
5. VIBRATORS: As I mentioned in my post-BlogHer ’12 review, my children found the 4 vibrator boxes I hauled home from NYC. Sadie told me she knew they were a special kind of bubbles just for mommies, and I didn’t disabuse her of that notion. A lie by omission? Maybe. If you object, then let me know a better explanation for a 3 year old.
6. CAMPING: One of our neighbor’s took her daughter camping, and Sadie thought it sounded like a summer must-do. Since we won’t cross the county line with our children because we are too chicken shit, I had to come up with a way to let Sadie experience camping in a way that would not require me to pack 45 snacks, 3 tarps, 4 gallons of non-toxic bug spray + sunscreen, and 3 first-aid kits for an overnight trip in the “great” outdoors. We took the kids on a camping trip. In the living room. You know, just like everyone else camps, right? RIGHT.
Great American Passtime: Camping in the living room
* * *
With Sadie starting school, I was concerned that I would have to straighten all of this out ASAP. But, really, are they going to be covering vibrators and condoms in preschool?
#4 is the best thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I also lie. When I take my kiddos to a store and one is whining/crying, anytime we hear a page or a beep over the loudspeakers I say “You hear that? That’s the signal that all children MUST stop crying or whining, or the manager will come and make us leave.” This lie I got from my parents, who told me a bell in church was the “thumb-sucking-stop -signal” when I was a girl. Nice move, Lorraine….
Omg! That’s hilarious that you tell your kids that! I am dying. My grandma of blue baby fame told me if I ate my boogers I would turn black. Not sure what’s up with that!
Beeps over the loudspeaker? I wish I’d thought of that one a long time ago. I’m so using this!
Yes!
I adore this! Just think, if you had told the utter truth on all those fronts you’d have had 1) a little girl with gum in her hair; 2) children with a total complex for life, once they figured it out; 3) a child covered with snot; 4) you’d be broke; 5) children with a WORLD CLASS complex; and 6) well, West Nile virus!
Clearly, you chose well.
That’s right! So glad you are a glass half full person.
Loved #5. When I was young my mom used to call sanitary pads a ‘special kind’ of facial tissues. As a kid, I used to wonder the amount of sweat one would have to work up to warrant the use of such huge ’tissues’.
No way! That’s hilarious. What must be in our kids’ little minds!
Omg – I always carry around 12 tortillas in my purse and until today, never knew of such a convenient alternative use! Whaaaat??? Love these! Priceless!
I’m on board with all of these, but the tortilla tissue is so freaking hysterical I can’t stop. A mom who thinks on her feet – yet another reason to adore you!
I will not discuss whether or not I served those tortillas at a later date.
F’ing hilarious. The tortillas! Camping in the living room is brilliant. No bugs and actual plumbing.
Exactly. And no eating cowboy chili– whatever that is. I never want to see Simon’s diaper after that!
Hilarious!
lol not looking forward to my midget exploring and asking uncomfortable questions, you handle that like a pro
They catch it all. It’s scary.
So funny but I can’t believe they bought the ice cream truck one. I don’t think my kids ever would have believed that!
I am pretty sure they are on to me. So much for earning their trust!
I told the same lie about the ice cream truck. He only held it against me for fifteen or twenty minutes when he discovered the truth.
And you got four vibrators at BlogHer? My swag bag only had one.
Which I left on the train.
I’m hoping the bag didn’t have my name on it.
I got that bag from the Eden company and then 3 boxes from Trojan. I need to do a give away. I mean, seriously, how many do I need for myself?
It’s never too early to begin lying to your kids. Practice makes perfect.
You went camping, your style. There are many, but you can only do one at a time.
Condoms, schmondoms.
Four vibrators? Really? Whichever one is best isn’t enough?
Any pie about works with the ice cream man (my children were taught about the “ice cream rip-off) is fair game. Anyone that would play that crap the way they do it don’t deserve any of my money or my kids allowances. There are better ways to waste one’s resources. Of course this requires keeping ice cream on hand all the time.
Right!!!!
I was trying to pick a favorite, but I CAN’T! They’re all pure genius.
Thanks. Lots of lies this season! Rolls off the tongue.
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