An end-of-summer negotiation at my house went something like this:
Sadie: Mommy, can I have a cookie?
Me: You can have a cookie after dinner.
Sadie: Why?
Me: Why what?
Sadie: Why do I have to wait until dinner?
Me: Because if you eat a cookie, you won’t eat as much dinner. It’s my job to be sure you keep things in balance. Cookies come after dinner. (Note: In this conversation the “cookie” refers to an organic wafer that is composed of quinoa, oats and raisins. FN 1)
Sadie: Why can’t I have a cookie right now?
Me: Have you had dinner?
Sadie: No.
Me: Well, once you have had dinner, you can have that cookie you so desperately want.
Sadie: What about a popsicle? Can I have that now?
Me: No. You can have either a popsicle or a cookie after dinner.
AHHHHHH. HELP ME! I just wanted a sweet treat. Why is she talking about ovulation? What IS ovulation?
Sadie: Why can’t I have a popsicle right now? (Note: The “popsicle” refers to an organic fruit smoothie that I froze and put into ice trays. FN 2)
Me: Really? Are we doing this right now? You. Can. Have. A. Sweet. After. Dinner.
Sadie: How about a lollipop? (Note: The alleged “lollipop” was a sun-sweetened prune on a stick. FN 3)
Me: After dinner.
Sadie: Why?
Me: Because I am ovulating, which makes me feel bloated and exhausted and unattractive.
* * * * *
THE END.
FN 1: I lied. It was a Ginger Snap cookie from a giant bag. Not organic, sugar-free, gluten-free, or free-trade.
FN 2: I lied. She’s referring to a box of 40 popsicles I got at Target that are composed solely of sugar and caffeine. FN 4.
FN 3: I lied. She’s referring to the Tootsie Pop that is sitting on the counter in our kitchen.
FN 4: That was a lie; I got them at Costco. I was just trying to look more diverse.
FN 5 – That was effin’ funny. Which is funny because effin’ sounds like FN if you really really really want it to.
Yes!!! Love the wordplay!
BWAH, HA, HA, HA! When I first started reading, I was like, well look at her being all healthy and organic. Thank GOD, you were lying! Phew. And seriously, don’t you feel like our children simply live to ask the same question over and over again hoping for a different result? By the way, last time I checked, that is also the definition of insanity, but I digress!
All those questions. I’m fighting back!
Ha! I loved your footnotes. I can’t believe I still haven’t gone to Costco. I prefer to live vicariously through you. I am also ovulating, so I don’t need to pretend I’m you for those lovely feelings.
I’m probably lying there too.
Damn, I missed FN4
The essence of good negotiating with adults is to know when to remain quiet; with children, to talk faster than they do, and if a lie or two of ten gets tossed into the mix, the better the negotiation soup will taste.
Sigh. I just had one of these “chats” with one or two or three of my kids last night.
You are so right. Good thing I went to law school to train for this!
Hilarious… I sort of was like “oh, she’s one of THOSE moms, one I’ll never be with the ALL healthy and organic” then I got to the end and loved you even more.
I won’t ever be one of those either. Sometimes I like to pretend!
Whew, that’s a relief! If we go to hell for it, we can at least go together.
I’ll bring the snacks!
I was worried about the same thing!!!! PHEW, I knew I loved you, Outlaw Mama. Such a hilarious post and your daughter is ADORBS. Those curls!!!! Stop it!!!
I know! I couldn’t hold a curl if I stapled a hot glue gun to my stringy hair. She got daddy’s hair. But he’s bald do that could get tricky.
Awesome!!!
She’s never too young to learn.
Oh thank God for the FNs. I was all feeling like crap that Beckett’s father (who just happens to be my husband but not when he does this kind of stuff) gave him a red sucker the other day, which he LOVED. The kid won’t eat any type of food, but took to the sugar and dye concoction like a fish to water.
So I’m reading your post at first thinking that 1. I was the baddest Mommy around 2. that I didn’t see any of that extremely healthy stuff at Costco in Dallas and 3. why couldn’t she feed her that stuff before dinner since it wasn’t really a sweet anyway?
So I’m glad I can go back to feeling like just a marginally bad mom now. Yay me! And yay you for holding your ground with the beautiful Sadie, bloated or not.
It’s shocking how kids love sweets. Mine too. They would commit mass murder for a lollipop.
Haha! Love it.
I’m glad I’m not the only one out there who gives her children REAL cookies/pops. God’s honest sugar laden treats full of preservatives and fluorescent dyes and unpronounceable ingredients! I also have a very predictable shopping pattern between Costco, WalMart and Sobey’s (grocery store).
We are soul sisters.
Oh wow, I have this conversation with my son every single night. Glad to know I’m not the only one on the brink of insanity.
You are not alone!
I can’t tell you how happy I am that you lied–I was starting to feel like a bad Mom! And, we have that conversation EVERY day. Costco is da bomb!
We start negotiating our dinner treat around 6 am around here. Bugs me long time.
I’m utterly impressed with you ability to hold it together long enough to even have that conversation…around here, the first “why not” is usually met with “because I said you can’t, and I’m the boss of you.” Add a “so there” if I’m bloated.
That’s what I am saying tonight as I am at the end of my parenting rope.
Lizzie is 9 and still asks “can I be full” midway through dinner….which simply means “did I eat enough to get my treat?”. I always respond with “Are you full?”. That kid could live on sweets and never want for real food.
Naturally your response was brilliant…when in doubt, baffle them. I probably would have sat across from her at the table and polished off the bag of cookies. As for all those questions…keep a stash of “shut-up candy” on hand.
Shut up candy– pure genius. Getting some now.
I’m so glad you were lying. I was beginning to think there was something seriously wrong with your little girl.
Nope! She’s great. Me, on the other hand…..
Hahahahaha! This is awesome. So awesome that I made my husband pause The Colbert Report so I could read it to him.
Hilarious! I was so impressed with you. I was thinking you would love all the food here because we don’t have the middle aisles of preservatives of the grocery store! I wanted to know the brand of the quinoa cookies! Still smiling–sneaky girl.
That dinner thing hasn’t ended here yet. I do put out a vegetable plate while I’m making dinner and it is seriously a saving grace!! They have something to munch on while I’m cooking and then I skip a vegetable with dinner and just serve a main dish.
Frigging brilliant. A vegetable plate. Never woulda thought of that! Jealous you have a healthier culture!!!
Those footnotes are hysterical! The whole post is, really. Love it!
Thank you!!!
I’m thinking FP on this one, baby! I wish there was a voting mechanism for that!!!
Classic you – brilliant and hilarious!
Thanks!
Holy crap you crack me up.
Thank you! I met some people with your last name at our new school. They said they didn’t know you.
Clearly they are not from the awesome side of the family.
They’re from connecticut.