Every now and then I look back on a week and see I’ve been bullying myself. Stop being afraid! Stop avoiding writing because you are afraid of the new chapter! Stop letting vegetables rot in the fridge because you are afraid of cooking!
And this thing I keep expecting of myself– to not be afraid– how mean is that? I would never tell my kids not to be afraid of an avalanche of new things. I would put my hands on their backs and hold them tight or look into their eyes to assure them that it’s ok to be afraid. Hell, it’s smart and healthy to be afraid.
So how come I don’t let myself own and accept fear as easily? (Sure, I am 39 and not 3 or 1.5 But still.). I give myself so little room to be human.
So this weekend, while other people are out gathering pumpkins and apples or tailgating with their lifelong friends, I’m having a tea party for two. Me and fear. None of that fruity, herby tea either. It’s going to be a stiff mint tea from a boiling kettle.
I’m going to sit with it and let it show me it won’t kill me to be afraid of the future or where I’m going or how long it’s going to take. It’s even ok to be afraid of all the new things– the moms with their cute scarves and Germano-Japanese cars and golf-ball-sized diamonds, my new volunteer positions, and my dreams of finishing a book manuscript by Spring.
We are going to drink our tea, make peace, and maybe even color coordinate our outfits for the rest of the weekend. But then I’m going to get on with my business.
No more bullying myself out of bona fide emotions. And there will be no wallowing or balking at opportunities because of fear. It’s welcome to come along. As long as it can keep up with me.
(I saw the below image on the Creature Comforts blog. It’s an image by Jess of Someone Say Something, and it soothes my soul.)
“Be afraid but do it anyway.” I need to have a tea party also. Great post.
Mint tea!
I have an awesome tea set for such a party.
I can’t find mine!!!!
Reblogged this on shoshuga and commented:
Since we’re on the topic of cleaning out our lives and conquering our fears, I thought I’d share this post with you.
Love this.
So well written!
Thank you.
When I was younger, I was FEARLESS. In my 20s, I piloted a glider, a C-130, shot bullets from a tank and basically daredeviled my way around. Now? I’m scared of a passenger plane. WTH happened?
I’m afraid of everything too, and I hate it. I think it’s because I finally care about things, when before I never did. Or maybe it’s because I have something to lose now. I think I need to have something a little stronger than mint tea with mine.
Exactly. So much to lose. I love your badass self and your scared self!
You are not alone. Tea for all!
Yay! Company!
Strong minty tea all around! Fabulous post! Can’t wait to see the tea party pics!
Good idea!
“I give myself so little room to be human.” Absolutely wonderful post. Well done. And thank you.
Nice to hear that you’ve made peace with fear and are even going to drink tea together! I recently kicked insecurity out of my bathroom. But in all fairness, insecurity came over unannounced. Great post!
Good point. I’m still battling insecurity. Every day.
life is scary, so what? you just keep on keepin on. you’re doing great.
so what’s the book about??
Yep. Long as there’s some ice cream in the fridge. The book is a love story. Jane Eyre is the inspiration.
well, you know i feel about ice cream. with it you can do anything. i look forward to the book. i love me a good love story.
Be human, drink tea, but if it’s ok with you, I might maybe have another glass of wine.
Cheers, my friend!
Hi! I just found your blog and am really enjoying what I’ve read. I think as we get older and have children, we start to realize that we are not as invincible as we felt when we were younger. I like your idea of no longer fighting the fear, of letting it have its place. As long as that place isn’t between you and you goals.
Great thoughts! Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for commenting! I do think it’s associated with age and understanding I’m not invincible. It’s scary! And fun.
Such a great, great post. I am definitely saving the image from Creature Comforts… To be afraid and do it anyway… I need to get that in a tattoo or something!
I do too. Cept I’m afraid of tattoos.
Oh, amen! I think I need to print out this post and hang it over my desk. I can bully myself out of doing anything that matters. “Live anyway.” I love that.
Yes to living!
I doubt that Fear can keep up with you.
I got my running shoes on.
I was so spent from being bullied yesterday I couldn’t get my head around this. But the day after, the adrenaline is gone. What’s left? Fear.
The fear is there. Fuck it.
And after fear, there is gratitude, pride and wisdom. Right?
I sure as hell hope so. And friends.
I’d love to post this photo. Is there any easy way to link to it?
Imma figure it out and post it.
This was a great thing to read after my most recent post. You are awesome. Being afraid sucks. And it’s exhausting to keep walking through it. But, live anyway. That’s it.
I love your most recent post, btw. Live anyway is a great motto.
YES!
Of course I’m right to be afraid that once I start editing the book I’ll figure out how bad it is. That’s the point of editing.
Off to go make it better. With mint tea.
Yes editing is so painful. I can’t wait to buy your book at full price.
Just wanted to let you know I’ve been pitching you to some of my favorite preacher ladies. Do you fancy yourself as a theologian? Check it: http://metanoia-mrc.blogspot.com/2012/10/great-sermons.html
Such wise words. I could learn a thing or two from you.
And I you.
My fear manifests itself as procrastination, so I am always scrambling to meet deadlines, and then the fear attacks my stomach, too, making it more difficult to meet the deadlines. I loved your post. I don’t like tea but hot chocolate is my crutch of choice. And ice cream. Ice cream is universal.
There is a new confectioners store across the street and the specialty of the house is “Super rich” hot chocolate. Me and fear are going on a field trip!