Wanna know what the best training is for having a date with your three-year-old? Look no further than your own dating past. Because a date with a slightly incontinent three-year-old child reminded me of some of the more memorable dates from my long dating history.
Sadie and I slid into a booth at a diner-ish place after seeing a concert. I looked at her across the table and realized we haven’t eaten alone in a restaurant ever. Just like a date, I looked forward to stimulating conversation — she’d talk a little, and I would talk nonstop a little. We would feel so much closer after sharing a meal, which is the cornerstone of any strong relationship.
As I opened the conversation, I was reminded of what a great date I am. I know how to talk, and I don’t mind going first. And, I am the master of asking probing questions that really let my companions know that I care, I really care.
“Sadie, what did you like about the concert we just saw? Do you prefer the sonorous notes of the penny whistle or the lyricism of the fiddle?”
She stood up in the booth, engrossed in shaking salt all over the table, and I saw the telltale giant wet spot on her pink leggings. Hmmm, I guess that’s why she was holding her hands over her private parts and jumping around a minute ago. My bad.
This face says, “I am about to pee in my pants. Stop talking to me about the musicality of the penny whistle.”
I remained upbeat. Plenty of my dates lost bladder control at one time or another. This time, at least I was ready with a pair of her panties in my purse.
I decided to stop asking her about the concert. When the waitress came over, I felt proud that she ordered all by herself. My big girl! That she asked for bacon tacos with a side of bacon was endearing, if not exactly heart healthy. Like a good date, I was able to negotiate a more reasonable lunch of chicken tacos.
The perfect chicken taco accoutrement: Frenchy’s mustard and ketchup.
Honestly, she didn’t seem that interested in asking me questions about me or my life. She just wanted to know if she could take my salad dressing and stick her tongue in it. Go ahead, I muttered having a flashback of a college date who thought nothing of taking the food off my plate and then spending the night with one of my sorority sisters. At least I knew Sadie was leaving with me. I have her Dora backpack in the car, after all.
Of course, she didn’t pay, which was reminiscent of most of the dates I had when I was in my 20s. And just like that one fraternity party back in 1994, I had to carry her to the car because her legs were tired. Luckily, she weighs less than a college guy dressed in a toga who’s had one too many Jagermeister shots.
I never knew I would end up grateful for those awkward dates I had through the years. But they were good training for the dates with my kids. To end up eating chicken tacos slathered in cheap mustard is more than I ever thought I’d get.
So thank you to every embarrassing young lad who helped me cut my teeth and prepare for the dates that really matter now. I am finally grateful.
Now THAT’S a title that draws a reader, LOL. And the story is good too.
I know. I hope I didn’t make my husband seem ill with this title!
Good lawd, girl, you bring the funny! And on a Monday and everything. Well played, my friend. Well. Played. Jagermeister shots = golden. Oh wait. Goldschläger shots. Now THEY are golden.
Oh, Goldschlager…that was a fun night. Paddy Murphy part at the SAE house in 1993. I think my body still hates me for that one. But man, it smelled like jolly ranchers, and those are good.
I am dying over that face! What a cutie, and what a personality. This story is awesome. Love it.
Thanks! She looks like my hubs but acts like me.
“Of course, she didn’t pay, which was reminiscent of most of the dates I had when I was in my 20s.” ::dead:: Sounds like much of my dating life (and married, for that matter) too.
I’m impressed you made it 3 years without ever having dinner alone in a restaurant with your child. Smart move, whether intentional or not. I always envision my child being awesomely well-behaved but that is never the case. if you got away with just a round of incontinence, I’d call that a success!
I have done it alone with Simon but not Sadie. And once and only once did I do it with both. Ouch.
Lol i love love love this. Plenty of flashbacks of my own horrible dates, including the one with my now husband! So THAT’s what they were for!
Good news– you can put that experience to good use!
Funniest post EVER! I love this. If I’d only known that all of those awkward dates were just training me for my future motherhood, I’d taken them in better humor.
Ha! I should send this post to on-line dating sites so everyone will be happier about their shitty e-Harmony experiences. I wish I would have known!
I had such low self-esteem as a teen, I prob’ly would’ve married my first boyfriend if he hadn’t thrown up a chocolate shake in my lap.
That’s what I am talking about!!! It’s a good thing those dates were so bad– mine too.
Threw a chocolate shake? That’s violent.
I think your date sounds perfectly lovely! Though at this point, I consider getting out of the house with only two kids to be a vacation. My worst date was a pity date I went on with a guy who had just gotten back from the first Iraq war. My delicate, 17-year-old ears were not prepared for war veteran lingo. I spent half of the date being appalled and the other half completely confused because I had no idea what he was saying. So bizarre…
Oh, pity dates are a post all of their own. Yours sounds truly traumatizing. Mine was just pathetic. I haven’t ever done the veteran route. I once asked a former marine if he ever killed a man, and then I almost got fired because apparently, you aren’t supposed to do that. HOw did I know? I was only 34.
at least she was a really cute date. you can’t have continence and cute. dating is all about compromise.
Exactly!
So funny! And I’m STILL waiting for my 23-year-old to ask me a question about myself.
Someday– I just know he will.
Sadie rocks. I have a serious obsession with owls. See, everything you were doing before prepared you to be this awesome mom who takes her girl to concerts and carries her to the car. Who knew??
I had no idea!
Let’s double date again!
Yes totally. It’s better that way.
Sadie is too cute for words (wet pants and all!). And we have similar dating histories! This is just the post I needed tonight – so funny and such a great reminder to be grateful for all of it. I love that you’re teaching Sadie how to be treated on dates at an early age – anyone not willing to let her stick her tongue in their dressing isn’t worth it! I didn’t mean for that to sound dirty, but … I’m going to sleep.
You think she’s cute…. You should see me! Ha! We should double date too!
Oh, my friend, she’s going to find this and use it against you when she starts to date.
Which, of course, will be whenever you say she’s too young. Because you said no to bacon tacos with a side of bacon.
I know! I’m a monster. And she’s smarter than I am already so I know I’m screwed.
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