Oh, Lookie! It’s January, so the gym is now stuffed full of people who have no idea where the locker room is or how to work a treadmill. Armed with ardent desire to turn over that new-year leaf and a list of resolutions, they come in their new outfits to the gym, where some of us have been toiling all year long.
To all those New Year’s Resolution-motivated gym goers, I say this will all due respect: You are totally pissing me off.
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It was bad enough when the lady with the brand-spanking-new Lululemon jogging knickers took my treadmill the other morning. I could have gotten over that, but there were no other open treadmills because the latest flock of fair weather exercisers had come to roost.
Now, all I want to know, is when are they leaving?
In spin class, there wasn’t a single bike open. Do you know what it’s like to take a spin class in a dark room with 60 people sweating like it was freaking high noon in India? I didn’t either because usually there are only about 15 of us per class. Til now. How awesome for me that an extremely portly 20-something dude in a muscle t-shirt and a tenuous relationship with deodorant took a bike next to me. The grunts and splashes of his musky sweat were an extra bonus.
And, it was such a damn treat to find there wasn’t a single open locker for my winter coat, my purse and my $500 in cash. (By $500, I mean $5.00, but penurious Mommy bloggers deserve lockers too.) I am a paying client of the gym, who has been faithful and loyal all year long. I want a place to put my Louis Vuitton hobo bag 10-year-old Target backpack. (It’s vintage, ya’ll.)
Don’t ask me about the time that Jeff was coming to pick me and the kids up at the gym, but he couldn’t find a parking spot, so I had to carry both of my children (who think it’s hilarious to drag their feet and go limp when it’s time to exit a building) over my shoulders to get home while Jeff circled the packed lot.
Also: I am still a little touchy about the night I got thrown out by management because I told a group of newbies that they “would probably always be out of shape so they should go home and fill out applications for The Biggest Loser.” (What? I thought they had star potential, and they took the last of the clean towels.)
The gym is my happy place, but only when there is room for me to stretch out, read the best magazines first (don’t make me wait to read that US Magazine all about Kanye and Kimmy’s spawn), and get on the treadmill that is closest to the water station.
I should be more charitable. I should support other people’s self-improvement projects. And I do. So long as they do it at another gym.
Haha, hubs and I were just talking about this yesterday. We’ve been going to the Y for a few years now. It happens every january, buy hey, it was us once.
It’s so much more stressful when it’s full!
I agree, it’s annoying. My biggest issue is the parking, and I totally hear you on the toddlers going limp in the parking lot! sheesh.
I’m so with you. Every bike was taken in spinning on Sunday at my gym. I can’t wait until they just go back home.
Can’t last more than 6 weeks right?
Haha truer words were never spoken…shouldn’t we committed year-round gym goers get some kind of special treatment, like reserved treadmills and lockers? And how about the skinny teenagers with their perky high ponytails who are totally going to the gym just to chat with other perky teenagers and check their phones? When I was in high school, the gym was something to be avoided…let’s keep it that way people.
Ohhhhh the teens and college freshman. The horror!!!
Oh my gosh YES. Two years ago in a fit of annoyance over this very same thing I quit my gym membership and started running outside. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Although, I am now considering spinning for cross-training during my marathon training season, and may join up again, but I’ll probably wait until the middle of February when the “resolutioners” finally abandon ship.
I would wait. Spinning and running is unbeatable!
oohh channel that energy, baby!! january is a tough gym month. that’s why this morning i did my first january run!! in the out of doors. kind of nice, but i could wait till april for a repeat. i’m a fair weather fleeter.
and i just love when the little ones go boneless at the worst times. makes it all soo much more fun.
I guess they are helping get my core workout in! Yay for January outdoor runs!
I could never go to the gym, just for these kind of cyclical annoyances. It drives me crazy just reading about it and I don’t think I’ve stepped foot in a gym in seven years! It will be over soon…until next year. Hang in there!
I love the punishment and righteous indignation.
That made me laugh so hard!
GOod for the abs! Is yoga full in January too?
Awesome post! They’ll be gone soon and in the meantime enjoy your well-earned superiority.
I love superiority and it’s so rarely earned in my case. I am reveling in it!
On Wed, Jan 9, 2013 at 10:00 AM, Outlaw Mama
This is the way I felt about people at my Target during the Christmas shopping season. It’s a Wednesday at 10:00 a.m. Go home. I purposely don’t go to Target on the weekend when you are all normally here. This is my time with Target.
I may have a problem.
Yes! Its exactly the same. Or the post office during the holidays! This is MY federal building!
I have a problem too.
On Wed, Jan 9, 2013 at 11:06 AM, Outlaw Mama
My husband claims they have as much to be at Target as I do. He is CLEARLY delusional!
As much “right”. Clearly I am overwrought at this invasion of my personal space.
They have the right to shop on-line and get the flog out of your way.
On Wed, Jan 9, 2013 at 11:16 AM, Outlaw Mama
I like the way you think!
I’ve decided to do P90X in the comfort of my living room for the month of January. The Resolutioners invade my gym and make me miserable every January. So do the teeny bop college girls who invade it every May looking all toned and tan in their PINK sweats and neon shoes. At least the Resolutioners don’t make me hate myself.
That’s true. It’s worse in May….little teeny weenies prancing around. Good point!
On Wed, Jan 9, 2013 at 11:08 AM, Outlaw Mama
And this is why i take a break from working out from Jan to Feb. Occasioanly that breaks lasts a bit longer buy hey – i need those newbies to clear out. Here’s to restarting bootcmap in March!!
Amen. The crowds are for the birds.
Yes!!! I was just thinking about this this morning at the gym. The good news is most will be gone by February. I tell the new women in the locker room how great it is that they have decided to join a gym while I secretly label who will actually make it past this month!
At least you do it secretly!
It’s been a very long time since I was last in a gym but yeah – January blew big nasty chunks unless you went at the butt crack of dawn. But then you had to brave the glares of the butt crack of dawn clique.
Well said.
I so hear you. They will peeter out and be completely gone by March – at the latest. I’ve read some empathetic posts about these January joiners but I can’t get on board with that. I’m with you.
I know it’s uncharitable but I hate crowds.
I can’t imagine that spinning room any more crowded than it was when I went with you – I’d be so claustrophobic. The idea of someone spraying me with sweaty sweat is almost enough to forgo exercise and let my cellulite creep up to my chin until spring. (Unfortunately, you and I both know I’m full of shit – I’ll put up with a lot to get my exercise fix.) Great post!
That room is foul now!
Hahaha! Hilarious, as always. I hate that, too. I especially hate the talkers–the people who have to start working out with a friend and inevitably hop on the treadmill beside you and proceed to have the loudest, most obnoxious conversation in the entire world. Like anyone cares that your sisters husband’s friend’s coworker got caught sleeping with the boss, and it’s like, ohmygod, the most exciting thing that’s happened to you all year. I’m on a treadmill. I already want to die. And your incessant chatter is not giving me much of a reason to carry on living.
How are you so funny when you are moving across the country? Girl, you never cease to amaze me. And the talkers. Lordy, the talkers, need to SHUT IT.