Someday someone’s going to finally get around to asking me if I ever checked out the LinkedIn profile of my husband’s ex-girlfriend. But, I can’t wait to be asked, so let’s pretend you just inquired.
Not Jeff (image credit: http://endyourbreakupnow.com/end-your-breakup/my-ex-husband-addict/)
But before we get to the LinkedIn portion of this post, let’s talk about Whole Foods. Because one of Jeff’s other former flames is a super famous baker whose healthy and delicious products are sold in gigantic displays all over the bakery section of Whole Foods. Lucky for me her product has her picture on it, so it’s like she’s staring at me while I take those extra samples of the macaroons and pretend to give them to my kids. Every time we pass that section, I remind Jeff that he totally traded up: Sure, she has that medical degree that she used to create nutritious (and outrageously expensive) brownie bites, but I know how to eat them while watching Gray’s Anatomy. Natch.
Hey, Jeff, that’s called a ‘jackpot’!
Then, last night was apparently “Google Your Husband’s Ex” night at my house. He was sitting right there, so he knew what I was up to. He even gave me the correct spelling of her surname. “Giddy” and “drunk with a Puckish sense of mischief” perfectly describe my mood. I pressed “search” with visions of seeing her face (yes, I hoped there’d be a picture of her and her multiple chins).
Her LinkedIN profile showed up first.
“Look at me, all clickity-click-click-click!”
Her resume loaded up first, and the smile faded from my face. Fancy prep school, followed by fancy-but-socially-conscious-college (Ivy, of course– dagger to my second-tier heart), followed by uber-impressive joint graduate degree program that she uses to serve the public good.
Ok. Fine. So what? Jeff dated someone who can slaughter a standardized test and likes public service. Maybe she had a Studs Terkel fetish. Nothing to get upset about.
All this time, I am waiting for the picture to load. It took about 7 minutes, which was plenty of time for me to see her connections (lots of White House regulars and people I have heard on public radio) and visualize all the classic texts she’s read that I am only aware of because of a passing joke on The Gilmore Girls.
Readers, you understand, right? I wanted that picture to load, and I wanted it to load fast. I’m not saying I went on a full-out misogynist binge, but if she happened to have a hairy chin or a snaggle-tooth or two . . . Well, could you blame me for my petty fantasies?
Do I have to tell you how radiant this woman looked in her picture? Could she at least have sported some fine fuzz above her top lip for this inevitable occasion– when her ex-boyfriend’s under-medicated wife came across her picture?
Not only was she bright-eyed and very attractive, but also? Blessed with perfect hair. NOte: Neither of Jeff’s ex’s have heeded the siren call of full-forehead bangs, so at least I have that going for me. (Query: Do graduates of Ivy League schools just intuitively know to say NO to bangs?)
There’s a moral here somewhere. Maybe it’s “don’t Google your husband’s ex-girlfriends if they are super successful, skinny and got a blow-out before their LinkedIN picture.” Maybe it’s “don’t marry someone who dated Ivy League go-getters if you’re insecure about your English degree from your giant state school that specialized in agronomy (study of soil management and crop rotation).” Maybe it’s “go to bed before 10:30 PM.” Maybe it’s “get a life.”
All I know is that tomorrow there’s going to be a shortage of brownie bites at the Whole Foods near me, because I’m going buy them up and eat them in bed next to Jeff and remind him of all the ways he’s so damn lucky he ended up with me. (Then I will brush all the crumbs to his side of the bed and fall into a snore-y sleep while drooling on my Target lingerie– because that’s how I define success.)
cracking up here. Lucky for me I don’t even know any of the hubs’ former gf’s last names. and I do know that his friends thought the most prominent former gf was psycho (and they love me or at least are polite and pretend to). I think i’m the only brunette he ever dated, too. and hello…married the first brunette…duh…don’t believe all that great stuff about blondes…dark-haired, people-pleaser and hides-her-psycho-better-than-the-last-girl are winning attributes.
So true. The biggest surprise is that this EX was blonde. I was sure she was brunette. Nope. And bakery lady was blonde too. I think you are on to something. Or our husbands are.
On Fri, Jan 18, 2013 at 8:48 AM, Outlaw Mama
You are far more woman than I — I had to marry someone who had never seriously dated before me. That’s how insecure I am. I also think the real lesson is you should have been watching Lance on OWN.
Thanks for the laughs, I loved this!
Lying Texan with cold detachment and no real sense of remorse? Welcome to my childhood. Couldn’t do it. But planning to catch tonights.
On Fri, Jan 18, 2013 at 8:56 AM, Outlaw Mama
I didn’t think of it that way! I am curious about your take on how he comes off tonight.
She probably made all that crap up.
I never thought of that!
On Fri, Jan 18, 2013 at 8:59 AM, Outlaw Mama
Tim’s ex is a famous peace corps activist with beautiful hair and zero body fat. Oh, and she’s totally sweet and happy all the time. In other words, I can’t stand her.
I hate her too.
On Fri, Jan 18, 2013 at 9:00 AM, Outlaw Mama
Tom not Tim….I should stop driving while I respond….distracts me. Ha!
SHE would have never made that mistake!
On Fri, Jan 18, 2013 at 9:13 AM, Outlaw Mama
So sorry. My husband’s ex-wife is obese and retired from her legitimate career to become a mystery shopper. I ROCK!
Mystery shopper? WTH. You can’t make that up. It’s too good. and yes, I am freaking jealous.
On Fri, Jan 18, 2013 at 9:12 AM, Outlaw Mama
see i avoid all that because i met my husband when i was 15 (didn’t seriously start dating till 19). but there isn’t too much history for either of us.. which is both good and bad.
Sounds mostly good!!!
Oh man! But he married YOU so ef that! My husband’s ex is 5 years older than he is. That makes me 10 years younger than her. I guess that puts me in the rockin’ it corner with Louise
But considering he was in his early 30s when I met him, there’s probably some total babe from his past lurking somewhere!
Don’t go looking for her!
I love how you teach him a lesson. SO badass.
I’m nothing if not bad ass.
My husband’s ex girlfriend is amazing. Her and her husband were in our wedding and we were in theirs. Funny how things pan out. They weren’t a love connection, but I know for sure he has good taste!
Wow. Now that’s a good story!
It really is. He introduced us right after we began dating. She was already dating Jim. He did fail to mention that they had dated before. They eventually told us. Everyone else in the group thought it was old hat and didn’t bother stirring shit. (I love my friends that way.) Anyway, her husband, Jim, and I have a great deal of fun, boasting that we should get a romp sometime…fair is fair
It worked out for the very best. See people can be mature…when they don’t know it!
Fantastic story.
The one thing I learned is this: Make sure you are signed out of LinkedIN or change your privacy settings before stalking anyone who knows who you are! I learned this AFTER looking up my own ex, who not only has one of the most common names on the planet, but is apparently not on FB.
Omg. You’re kidding. Oy.
Yeah, I got a LinkedIn invite from an ex after a long night of googling everyone I’ve ever kissed. Apparently he could see who had viewed his profile. Thanks, LinkedIn, for making “networking” more important than stalking.
Sheesh.
Funny how no one is up in arms about that but we gotta crucify Facebook at every damn turn.
Lucky me, I went to high school with my husband and know both of those ex-girlfriends. He only had a couple hook-ups in college, so I am not really concerned there. At least I know for sure that of the high school version of his exes and me, I was the hottest.
Atta girl!
This is hilarious! I googled my husband’s ex hoping she would be a mom by now looking just as disheveled, unwashed and sleep deprived as I do, but no such luck. I truly believe the all powerful muffintop of motherhood is the great equalizer, no matter how cute she was in college one day even his ex will look as ragged as me.
Her time will come!!! Love the muffin top equalizer. So true.
I did just the opposite yesterday…I googled my ex. It’s been about 18 years or so, and I wondered what is going on with him now. And then I found his 2 mugshots. One of them was from 2005, possession of methadone. And then a court case from 2012, being sued for an accident. Holy Shmoly, I dodged a bullet there.
Whoa. Methadone? Day-um. You certainly did.
A great post taps into universal angst. Funny stuff. My first serious girlfriend is now a lesbian and my second serious girlfriend seems to have withdrawn entirely from civilization. In other words, my wife shouldn’t be looking up my exes but wondering what the hell I did to them.
Oh it’s great to have a male perspective!
Just saying you are the ONLY ONE he felt was quality and important enough to intro to family! And we unanimously agree that you are amazing in every way!
Marc!!! You are so sweet! I feel blessed.
Marc – I was thinking the same thing! He never introduced them to us. Only you, Kristy…you’re the best and we love you!! He’s one lucky man
Stacy! You’re so sweet. Honestly, I’m the one who hit the jackpot.
Hahahaha I’ve so been there. And may or may not return to that particular brand of crazy every few months.
I think I’m done for a few weeks!
Ohhh no. No, no, no, no, no.
That said, I’ve totally done the same thing.
It’s too tempting!
Been there too and will join you in buying out the WF brownie bites. I’m confident Mike traded up also – his last blonde, long-legged beauty girlfriend with expense account definitely wasn’t his type!
Who needs that????
I may or may not occasionally glance at my husband’s ex girlfriend’s FB page. She’s pretty enough. Pass the damn chocolate.
It’s on your right!
I don’t have anything particular clever or snarky to say, but I’ll just say that I enjoyed the post.
That’ll work!
So funny! Jeff traded up and he knows it.
It’s an open secret.
I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time.
Brownie bites. Ha! That’s code for “I got no love as a child so now I have to pimp to other people’s children that which I wish I’d had because I fill the empty place inside me with healthy-ish chocolate.”
Also? Who puts proprietor pictures on food brands? Other than Aunt Jemima, I mean…
I know! I wish they didn’t taste good but unfortunately: delicious.
My husband’s ex is cute, perky and well-spoken – and was recently interviewed on TV because her son has a rare form of cancer, for which she’s an activist. Kill me now. Oh yeh and remember Ashley? Well, his wife is amazing ball of energy and just so happens to be our estate attorney. Kill me again. (Although I do get along with her quite well.)
Ashley. Omg. I am having flashbacks. It’s a good thing god blessed you with so much grace. Oh and of jeff’s ex was a novelist and had 1/10 of your talent, well I’m not sure what I’d have to eat!
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My husband’s ex went to the same college as me so I always read her excerpt to him from the class notes. She’s also too accomplished for my liking. Harumph.
Preaching to choir!
oh my gosh…rolling on the floor here. I have known my hubby since we were 14. His ex-girlfriends all ran in the same circle as me, so I know all of them…and we started dating in highschool so…most of them weren’t really that serious. Secretly…I’m sad I can’t google them, because THIS is sooo funny!
Four nights later and we are still talking about her at my house. I can’t stop bringing her up! On Mon, Jan 21, 2013 at 11:12 PM, Outlaw Mama
I’m in late on this one. AND I’ve been to WF this week. Now I have to go back.
Check it out!
You have such a great sense of humor and such eloquence. I wish I can be more like you.
Love reading your blog.
Thank you!