I won’t sugar coat it: I suck as an employer. If I had me for a boss, I would probably have a little voodoo doll version of myself that I stuck pins in like the “natives” on Gilligan’s Island did. Mostly, I suck at being on the boss side of relationships because I hate confrontation and my communication skills are weak when it comes to letting someone know what I want. And I can be a little passive aggressive. And victimy.
Image credit: http://www.covershut.com/DVD-Covers/54311-Horrible-Bosses-2011-Front.html#.UP9Vh2f29tQ
Can you see why I have sympathy for my nanny? Because I do.
But pass me a sliver of your sympathy pie, please. Our nanny just returned (3 working days ago) from a six-week trip. I am sure you know this, but six weeks is over a month. And in parenting-without-childcare terms, it’s a freaking millennium. In fairness, she offered her family members to come and pitch in when I had to go to therapy or . . . well, it was really only therapy because that’s my only hobby. And my student were on winter holiday, so I didn’t miss any work.
We are very blessed that she has family members we trust and rely on when we are in a pinch.
However.
Yesterday, she asked for two more days off next week. Two out of five, which is like 2/5 of the week off. School is back in session, so I have real stuff to do. My heart rate shot up immediately as I stammered, trying to remember if there is anything on my calendar that I will have to switch around. In fairness, she works another job and they have asked her to come for training next week, so it’s not like she’s off selling blow or watching HGTV.
I could have totally recovered from this afternoon’s request, but my new and bigger job starts in two weeks. It’s a real one, so my boss and colleagues are going to expect to see me there, like, regularly. Without my children tucked into my back pack. I need to be able to count on my childcare. (Working parents, can you feel me here?)
I took a few deep breaths. “Let’s talk about it tomorrow,” I said, rationally, like a good boss. As soon as I heard the door shut behind her, the panic started again. I need to look her in the eye and let her know how important it is that I can rely on her because going back to work is hard enough without wondering if she’s going to fly off to Northern Africa again for a few weeks.
So, I sent her a text, like a not great boss. “We need to talk.”
Then, I realized it sounded too ominous– like the precursor to a break up. I didn’t want to scare her. But if I didn’t send the text, I knew I might chicken out and then have an aorta burst from the pent-up anger and stress.
So, I sent another text, like a not great boss with OCD. “I am nervous about starting my job and being able to rely on you on the days I am in the office. I would like to talk about that tomorrow.”
I think that sounds reasonable, don’t you? It’s certainly fair that we have this “can I count on you conversation?” on the eve of my return to the formal work-a-day world. I think the texts were sort of cheating, but like I said, I am a horrible boss.
How do you handle your childcare? Are you a good boss? Have you done the text reprimand? Because I am thinking it might be my go-to.
That was *very* reasonably said. It’s totally fair to set some agreed-upon expectations.
I sympathize… I am a total pushover boss. I tend to let everything go until all of a sudden I’m just OVER it and I snap. Confrontation makes me break out in a nervous rash.
Good luck.
I hate this. It makes me so anxious. Awesome that she was 30 minutes late today.
Oh, dear…
I think that’s exactly how I would have done it, you know? I’d be worried too, and sometimes it’s pretty hard to come out with that in person or on the spot. That fear of rejection thing–groan. Yep.
I hate that fear of rejection. I accept but hate.
I think the 2nd text made up for the first. Nothing worse than the boss needing to talk to you. Except the boss needing to talk to you later. I’m not so good at being the boss of the household help. There’s too much at stake if the domestic helpers retaliate (my small people and my household treasures from target or Costco. And my boots.) I have certainly compromised the quality of child care for reliability. I can honestly live with my kids watching more TV than I like if the sitter shows up on time and puts the dishes in the dishwasher. My current sitter has it all. A rare 19-yr old undergrad! My cleaning lady sucks and I can’t bear to fire her.
Thank God for that second text! She was 30 min late today so the conversation flowed pretty easily!!!
30 mins late after the we need to talk text?! Seriously bad form. Glad it went ok & hope she toes the line for you.
Can you please post the transcript so I can modify for use with my cleaning lady?
I begged my hubs to fire the cleaning lady after she went psycho on ME because I had a bottle of perfume she was allergic to and she thought I was trying to kill her. Then she told me that if I used the microwave my children would die young. I ended up leaving her a lovely voicemail telling her we could no longer afford her services….because I was going to end up in a looney bin if I ever saw her in my house again.
So yah, maybe tell her you ran out of money. See where it goes.
It’s not that your a bad boss; she cares for your children and that is a delicate thing. In Seoul, we has a full time helper and I understand the fine tightrope you need to maneuver. In my case, she kept asking for raises. I gave into it a few times because she was excellent and I felt it was deserved. But the last one was the last straw. I already paid her well and I finally said no more. I simply told her that I have her my blessing to go to the other house. Not what she expected. The next day she dropped the issue and never raised it. Pick your battles … pick them carefully because they affect your kids. Tell her that you were surprised by her request. And say that you hope it won’t be a pattern. But strong but kind. Praying for good communication between you two.
Oh the raises! I told her I hoped it wouldn’t be a pattern. Now I’m hiding in my room.
*Be strong but kind.
I love that vision.
I put myself through college working as a nanny, and I think it was a reasonable text. You should be able to rely on her, and she may have some of the same concerns juggling two jobs. It’s best to manage expectations. I have some of the same communication issues you’ve described here, so I would personally appreciate having a text warning that the conversation is coming. I would say since your job doesn’t start for two more weeks, she probably feels more comfortable asking for the days to train at her other job than she would/will when your other schedule starts. It’s likely that she doesn’t even realize the anxiety it is causing you. Having the conversation will probably help her see things better from your perspective, and will definitely help you determine which job she will be giving priority. It’s fair.
You’re right– she picked those days for training because of my job. I am just in panic mode.
Lastly, if writing is your preferred method of conflict resolution, so be it. Just take extra precaution that words don’t get lost in translation.
Good point!
I didn’t learn how to be a good boss until we got our second nanny. Now I am awesome.
Teach me your ways! Also, I’m not panicking, but so far, she’s 16 min late today. Wait. I am panicking. I have class at noon.
What about getting a backup babysitter for when the nanny’s not around, maybe a college student looking to work a few hours a week and who would be available at quick notice?
That’s a great idea!!!
If you find someone like that, let me know so that I can steal her.
I think you just need to take a deep breath and have the conversation with her. Are there behaviors in the past (prior to this incident) that might lead you to believe she won’t be reliable once you start your new job?
The text is completely fine, because that commits you to having the conversation. Just don’t email her with your concerns…one of the moms I used to nanny for would do that and I hated it. I could never understand why she wouldn’t just talk to me about it. It always comes off harsher in an email. But there’s nothing wrong with having notes for yourself when you talk to her. And like RFL said, she may have no idea you are having anxiety about all of this. Or she could be having issues of her own and not telling you. Either way, it’s best to get it all sorted before you start you new job.
I don’t think you are a bad boss whatsoever. The fact that you worry about her feelings shows you are not.
Totally reasonable to need that kind of reassurance and reliability on the eve of your return to the work force. I say that as long as the message gets across properly, go with whatever method of communication is easiest for you.
I just talked to her and it went well. I focused on my own fears and stress about going back to work. I think we are all good here.
I so feel you!!! My sitter had a death in the family (which I totally understand, I’m not THAT bad of a babysitter boss) last Friday and told me that if they went out of town to the funeral they would be open for MLK day, then closed the next two days. She then texted me and said that they were going to skip the funeral, close for MLK day, then be open the rest of the week. So Monday night after being closed for MLK day, her HUSBAND calls me at 10pm to let me know they had decided to go to the funeral after all and would be closed the next two days anyway.
Being that I’m a total bitch, and not at all afraid of confrontation, I told him flat out that I understood he felt he had to be there, but letting me know at 10pm that they would be closed the next two days was unacceptable. He apologized. And me and hubby have been taking half days off and letting my 20 year old watch my baby in the morning.
Used to I hated car problems and computer problems because I feel so helpless and don’t understand how to fix them. But I’ve added babysitting problems to the list for the same reasons.
As far as texting your sitter goes, I would save the good stuff for conversations in person because they are he said/she said, whereas a text would probably be admissable in court if she filed a hostile working environment suit, or if you happened to murder her on a spur of the moment fit of passion thing, which I can totally understand right now.
Oh, I saw your Facebook update about this. I felt the spasm of stress on your behalf. Since my hubs travels part time I am worried about being hosed. But if I get some back up sitters who might be able to assist and then just be firm and kind, I think we’ll be ok. This is so hard, right?
I love that you are not afraid of confrontation. I want that for myself.
Oh, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Because I don’t have any fear of speaking my mind at any time, I risk running off the sweet wonderful people like yourself. Plus, since I pop off and tell people when I’m mad, it kind of loses its effect. I’d rather be like the Hubs, slow to anger but when he does, watch out–that means you’ve really screwed up. He gets taken seriously, when I don’t.
It’s all about balance. I’ve never been very balanced.
As you may have noticed, Balance is not something I know much about.
I am fine with text. It gives people the chance to breathe. But then again, I may suck as a boss too. I’m just relieved to hear she’s not selling blow OR watching HGTV when she’s not there!
She does that when she’s here. I mean, Simon naps after all.
That was very reasonable.
If I was you, I’d be worried, too. I would really want to make sure I have child care that makes their job with me a priority. I’ve worked as a nanny before, and the most important qualification is that the nanny be flexible with her time.
I am so grateful for you for sharing your perspective. I love her and I want to support her having an outside life and seeing her family in Africa and working her other job. But, I also have responsibilities to the people who pay me and honestly, I am just freaking out.
Thanks for your perspective.
Hell I would have sent the damn text, for that’s what we’ve become. Bottom line, though, no matter how you did it, you asserted yourself and your needs first – and that’s the most important part of this story. You listened to your gut and spoke out. I had a similar issue with a nanny when Luke was a baby. She thought with my freelance work, I could just push back all my deadlines if she called in sick. And she actually said that to me. So yes, you need to have a conversation with her and be specific on your needs. This new job is a big deal. At least you gave her some heads up so she can be thinking of her commitment level going into the conversation. Love ya, friend.
Why is this so scary and hard!
Because we’re so used to pleasing others (and wanting them to like us) instead of pleasing ourselves. (Classic approval addition, from which I’m trying to recover.) We feel guilty for asserting our needs, as if our needs don’t matter. We’re conditioned that way, but it’s up to us to break the cycle and put value in ourselves.
I consider my cycle cracked. Not yet broken! Soon.
Yep, me too.
A text sounds reasonable to me. Not like you sent her a message in a bottle or a tweet (though if those work, please let me know cause I’m as scared of confrontation with people I rely on as you are). Ugh. Maybe Sadie can draw her a picture? I completely support you in getting your needs met and am grateful you’re showing us how to it. Thanks for that and good luck!
I’m getting Sadie on this next time.
Ask yourself, did you feel like a weasel when you sent it?
I forgot to invite someone to a Christmas do at our house. She used to work in the office, doesn’t now, slipped through the cracks, yada-yada. I wanted to apologize to her and explain that she hadn’t been snubbed, just forgotten (so-o-o-o-o much better). But I didn’t run into her. Finally, she emailed me at work on another matter and I broached it in my reply to her. She was all “don’t worry about it.” Mission accomplished. But when I did run into her after, it was awkward.
The emailed apology felt weasely and still does. Should have picked up the phone.
Interesting. Had I done any more of the convo on text, I would have felt ick. But since I was flagging an issue it was ok. And on your story, I totally would have done that. Totally.
This past weekend, we met up walking, and her dog snubbed my dog, so I guess we’re even now.
A canine snub? Oh you’re even. Maybe even ahead.
her being late helped as a catalyst for your conversation.. that’s good. i think the text was fine.. you’re a writer.. write first, then clarify in conversation only if necessary. i suck at confrontation too. maybe have a conversation with a book in front of your face. haha. good luck!
I think it’s all good. But I am hiding in a chik fil a bathroom so there’s that.
Did you see that NYT article about not being “friends” with your household help? They prefer to work for people who are used to and comfortable managing help like a business (according to the article). Anyway, I read it, but still fired our last cleaning by just moving and not telling her (hey I sent a text, she said she didn’t get it). This was the cleaning lady that didn’t actually clean – she even just threw the dirty sheets and towels in the dryer with a dryer sheet. I went to college, so I am on to that trick.
I need that article! And I didn’t know that trick. Thanks for telling me.
I’m a shitty boss because I want too desperately to be liked. Which means instead of being passively aggressive I avoid confrontation almost completely. Which means I basically get walked all over and find some justification for why my needs are not as important (which is INCREDIBLY easy to do here in Kenya knowing the wealth disparities between me and my nanny). So I”m basically OK with my doormat approach to employing people. For now. When I move back to the States I’ll have to get a spine.
But I agree with all others here – you handled it just fine. In fact, it’s better to give her a text warm up than to ambush her.
I need one of those too. A spine, that is.
I would have just told her, “sure, you want to go away again? No problem.”
“Just take my kids with you.”
Next time!
Ugh,you definitely need to be able to count on your childcare. SO anxiety provoking. But really, in what job do you take 6 weeks off…SIX WEEKS… and then ask for more time off right away? If you do that as an employee, you’ve got to expect it will not be received warmly.
It was definitely chilly.
I was a family daycare for eleven years. I am on the other side of this. I had parents who took me for granted all the time and I couldn’t stand up for myself. They would come late, not pay me on time or the full amount. They would take paid days off and I would lose a day’s pay. I had one mom who got paid once a month so she paid me then. She left one month and didn’t come back to pay me at all for that time. All these moms were my “friends” and we all got along great as far as how the kids were taken care of and our personalities. What I figured out after all these years is that they treated me like I expected to be treated. I didn’t respect what I did, didn’t think it was all the special so that is how I got treated. But it was, because I was damned good at loving and taking care of their children and they knew how lucky they were to have me. I was always there, rarely took time off and made sure they had coverage or plenty of notice when I did. I didn’t charge an arm and a leg and I spent most of my pay on the kids after paying utilites and food. I threw parties and did crafts all the time and took them on jaunts to special places. I loved what I was doing and adored the kids. In the end, I quit due to the parents. Really it was me at the base of the problem, but I didn’t understand that at the time.
Set boundaries. Speak up to your current nanny. We don’t know what you want if you don’t tell us. Write them down and have your next nanny sign them. How much notice do you need for them to take time off? No tv? Naps only one hour instead of two? Say so. Make it clear what you want and expect. Just start writing it down when you think of it so you can remember what bugs you, want done differently or just want done your way. They are your employees and your kids. Don’t apologise for it! It’s okay! Stay pleasant and firm and let them know what you expect.
I love this quote and don’t remember who said it, “It’s not my business what you think of me.” If I feel good about me, then that’s what’s important. I want all women to feel that! Don’t apologise for having preferences and feelings. State your case, stay in your own power. Channel Cesar Millan, lol, I love him, he is a great example to follow!
Hugs.
Incredible perspective. I’m sure you have stories!!! And I love the idea of writing everything down great idea.
Cesar Millan it is!
I’m a boss. As in I get paid to be a boss. I still find delivering reprimands hard. Very hard. There’s always this urge to sugarcoat the reprimand in a compliment and that always backfires. So I can really get what you’re saying.
Still though, you’re starting a new job where you want to be a good employee so yeah, you need childcare you can count on. If a text sent is how you make yourself stick to your guns then so be it.
In the scheme of things, the warning text was not egregious. I’ve done worse.
I agree with Kim – I think the text warm-up was good, especially since you clarified what you wanted to talk about with the second text.
I’m having child care issues too right now, but I think I’ve got them sorted out. Aggravating, but I’m glad I had fair warning before I went back to work and was scrambling to find something.
Good luck with your childcare and return to work. I can’t wait to read about it.
Your situation is about to change. It’s perfectly reasonable to re-discuss expectations because they may have changed too. And she’ll be happy that you want to keep her if you can both agree to terms. If not, you can hire someone else (I know that’s stressful and not the best solution) with specific criteria around vacation. I was working full time and one of my requirements was always that the nannies took their vacations when we did. They ended up getting 4 paid weeks off, which is more than typical, and I was never stranded. I had to eliminate a lot of candidates due to this requirement but in the end found people that would agree to those terms.
I hope the conversation goes well!
It went ok. I think we are squared away.
Yay! It’s always so hard to have conversations like that. One thing I don’t miss about managing people!
I won’t miss this. At all.
This, honestly, is why I don’t have a sitter. Not the text vs. in person thing. Not even the setting expectations thing.
Mostly the six-weeks-off-then-come-back-and-show-up-late-and-ask-for-more-time-off-for-your-other-job thing. I would be worried (you should not be, let me be clear…*I* would be because I’m a freak) that the time off and the lateness are a passive aggressive way of saying “I’m making the other job my primary job so get ready for me to be really flaky because I don’t have the guts to quit.”
So I go without work and exercise and sanity for years at a time because I’m afraid of nannies leaving me hanging.
Nice, right? Makes you seem highly functional, I think.
I’m actually a pretty good boss in an outside workplace because I work to set expectations early, remind people often, get them what they need, and hold them to standards just slightly lower than my own. But I can’t seem to do that with domestic situations.
You perfectly articulated my fears. That her heads not in the game right as I am poised to go do this thing that will require much of me.
Ahhhhhh. I hate this.
It sounds like this situation worked itself out – what I am struck with is the difference when “the job” is being a teacher versus being in an office. Because while office work is important it’s not quite the same as teaching – because when you can’t get to class there are those however many students sitting there thinking…um…where’s the teacher? There are all these other people in a teacher’s job, who have their own set of expectations in a very direct & immediate fashion: sort of like more children, frankly, even if the students in question are college students!
Good point. I make that distinction only because the teaching part is 2 hours a week on a day hubs never travels so I would never miss it. Either hubs would cover or I could grab someone– friend or trusted neighbor– for my class. I don’t however know who to grab for 8 ish hours plus a longer commute. Mentally it feels more impossible.
But your point is well taken.
Personally, if my employer needs to talk, I refer an email or face to face. A text seems life a conversation between friends and not employer/employee conversation. She may take you more seriously if you send her an email.
Texting is sort of the realm of teenagers. From now on, I’m doing face to face. I gotta be a girl about this.
I feel you. I am a security guard at a homeless shelter. I have no problem getting on to our residents to keep them in line because they are not my friends. However, someone who comes in my home, I would have a problem being firm with. I would know I needed to. It’s just difficult.
I have no advice because I always do it wrong.
Well at least I am not alone. And your job sounds fascinating. I am getting better at home. None of my job require me to supervise either. I do have trouble reprimanding students though. Luckily the nine I teach this semester are wonderful and earnest students.
Thanks for giving your ideas. One thing is that pupils have a selection between federal government student loan plus a private student loan where it is easier to go with student loan debt consolidation loan than over the federal student loan.