What I Don’t Want

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Don’t make me do all the work. Mix it!

 

I don’t want fruit at the bottom of my yogurt or yogurt instead of ice cream.

I don’t want videos screaming at me when I’m scrolling through Facebook while lying quietly in my son’s room waiting for him to fall asleep. 

I don’t want to sleep on the wrong side of the bed.  I don’t want to lie in the bed I’ve made. I don’t want to make the bed only to have them mess it up next time they walk into the room. 

I don’t want the room to be full of this stuff I don’t love and don’t use and don’t like but feel too scared to throw away.  I don’t want to throw away stuff that doesn’t fit even though it makes me feel suicidal and homicidal and regicidal (quick! hide your kings!) to wear shit that doesn’t fit. 

I don’t want J. Crew to guilt me into thinking I need a fucking shoe strategy for spring.  I have a shoe strategy: try to wear matching ones that aren’t hideous. I don’t want to up-sold, down-graded, or side-swiped.

I don’t want to trick myself into thinking the snow is gone forever and my kids will sleep in now because it’s dark outside at 7 AM.  No more tricks.  I don’t want a life that relies on tricks to get me through the long hours when snack is over and dinner is, like, hours away.

I don’t want to hear my own excuses.  I can’t because I didn’t….or I haven’t… or I won’t.  I don’t want to hear my tongue thick with disappointment about this or that. 

I don’t want to burst into tears when the kids have eaten the mango I hid for myself.

I don’t want to cry when someone shows me my mistakes.  I don’t want to push away the idea that other people’s words are like presents in the air that I catch with both hands and open like I believe they are from goddamned Tiffany’s.

I don’t want to wish I was somewhere else when I’m right here.  I don’t want to pray for more money so we can have a vacation when who am I kidding? I hate travel and find vacations traumatizing.

I don’t want to beg God for more Grace, though I clearly need it (I just wish I didn’t need quite so much).  I don’t want to chase the next thing when I’m not sure what exactly this thing is I’m holding right here. 

I don’t want to sneeze on those mornings my back is aching like knives on my spine.  I don’t want to pay extra for toppings or have to ask for dressing on the side. 

I don’t want goddamned egg whites in my omelette or dry-ass toast.  I don’t want to have half the dessert and all of the guilt.  I don’t want to worry about putting my jeans in the dryer or have to remember the insurance cards. 

I don’t want to forget to validate my parking or update my address with the credit card company.  I don’t want to check the fat, remember the passwords, stir the sauce or pinch the salt.

I don’t want to check: spelling, the oil, the thermostat, the roads. 

I don’t want to tie it up with a bow.

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30 thoughts on “What I Don’t Want

  1. Get out of my head! This is practically the exact post I had planning for later this week. I’ve been thinking so much lately about the stuff I don’t want, and also the stuff that I do want. I was going to write them back to back.

    • I can’t wait to read it. My spiritual advisor is big on the “say what you want NOT want you don’t want,” but she doesn’t read my blog so she’ll never know my spirutual violation!

      • Mine too, actually. Something about energy and you draw it to you if you say it, but I am going with this theory: if you get it out, you can let it go.

  2. So, Mam, here’s a little secret about communicating with your psyche. You know, that thing that really controls your life? It doesn’t hear the negative in your don’t wants. It hears want. And feel free to check it out. I can be fact-cjecked.

  3. gee my post tomorrow is a moment i don’t want. maybe it’s in the water. and you definitely tied it with a bow, even if you didn’t want to. i don’t think you could help your self.

  4. This was so powerful. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe as I read it. I’m not sure how to respond because I don’t want to hijack it or make it about me. So I’ll leave it at this: I hope you don’t get anything you don’t want. Instead I’m sending all the things you want your way….or at least the wish that you get them.

  5. I find it much easier to articulate what I don’t want than what I want. I’ve even done a meditation chant “what I really really want is” to try to find what exactly it is. And I’ll trade you blended for fruit on the bottom. I like to control my combination rather carefully.

  6. You captured the exhaustion of life and dealing with all the “don’t wants” perfectly. I don’t want to check my kid’s math homework. But such is life.

  7. Oh girl. Believe it. I don’t either. So let’s don’t. Let’s count our unicorns and be happy instead : ) You’re awesome and I love your pretty face. XO

  8. I don’t want to beg God for more Grace… I don’t want goddamned egg whites

    “Dear God, no Grace for me today, just bless my egg whites so they don’t end up in my omelettes or dry-ass toast. And please skip the damnation on them please, even though I asked earlier, thanks, in Jesus’ name, Amen.”

    Now, if I don’t get smacked for sacrilegous humor, maybe I’ll get a chuckle from you?

  9. “oh, and p.s., don’t really damn Tiffany’s either, and please bless this frozen yogurt with syrup and fruit on the top, not the bottom, that I mixed with ice cream, especially that it doesn’t go to my hips, too much.”

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