Why I Will Never Be A Princess or Duchess or Queen

The English love their royalty.  From the press generated on the first anniversary of William and Kate’s wedding, it seems like the English are cherishing the upgrade to the royal landscape that Kate Middleton has provided.  English journalist Victoria Mather spoke so highly of Kate in her Newsweek article last week (overshadowed, no doubt, by the bondage article) that I had to recount her praise herein.

  • Mather loves Kate’s figure, which she calls “fabulous,” because when Kate “alighted in Hollywood” she made “Nicole Kidman look fat.” (Because what’s better than being thinner than one of the thinnest women in a warped and pathological contest?)
  • Mather loves how Kate eschews the spotlight in order to let her prince shine: “She does not upstage her balding Prince Charming.  She does not upstage the queen or her stepmother-in-law . . .  She always hangs back a little, still smiling, not limelight-hogging.” (God, is there anything worse than a woman who wants some attention or wants to stand in the front?  Poor Jeff, he’s screwed.)
  • Mather adores Kate’s “cloak of invisibility.” (Awesome– anyone else wonder if this is satire?)
  • Mather says the secret to the royal marriage is “teamwork.”  (Not sure how Kate hanging back all the time and being invisible is teamwork, but ok, I also don’t “get” bangers, so whatever.)
  • Don’t forget the most important part of Kate’s perfection: “Above all, she is there to enhance her husband, not diminish him.” (Because there are only two choices: enhance William or diminish him. It’s got nothing to do with you, Kate. Be sure you don’t do anything inappropriate, like stand next to him.)
  • Admired as well was the fact that when Kate and William had a rowing race, “of course she let him win.” (If I ever had a delusion that I might be royal material, it’s now crushed. To smithereens. I won’t let Jeff win at anything. Ever.)
  • Mather saved her highest praise for the last paragraph: “Rather like Barbie, we’ve now had Bridal Kate, Classic Kate, Hollywood Kate, and Sporty Kate.” (Have the British not seen the scathing critiques of Barbie?  Could someone send them that memo?)

Anyone else feeling a surge of patriotism right about now?

Duchess of Cambridge

Duchess of Cambridge


11 thoughts on “Why I Will Never Be A Princess or Duchess or Queen

  1. Satire–she writes the social stereotypes column here. 🙂
    Give her a break girls–she is really just a quiet girl (she is only 30, you know). She isn’t a Queen Rania and doesn’t even have a working/ corporate background. I’m sure there is a lot going on in the background in terms of her learning even more British history (which happens to be that of her in-laws) and some of the wackiest protocols and etiquette. The royals have a “brand” to protect–they are going to keep her quiet and in the shadows until they feel she is ready-they have no idea what she could say as a “commoner”! Anyway, how hard would it be to marry into such a controlling family? Anyway, we haven’t really heard from her yet but she gave her first speech a few weeks ago and you can see how nervous she was with the media ready to pounce on any mistake. I really think she and William want to be normal. He has kept his job (though it would freak me out for my husband to be helicoptering around for 6 weeks at a time) and she had said she didn’t want a Lady in Waiting, but the rumor is she wants Pippa but the Palace doesn’t feel it is wise since Pippa gets so much attention herself. I think we should be happy about our own in-laws. 🙂

  2. I was hoping you would weigh in. I was sure it was satire, but Newsweek is really acting buggy lately. The only rule in my in-laws family is to share my children, so I definitely feel very, very lucky. And, tell that Mather that there is nothing wrong with a balding husband!! My prince charming is bald and it’s boo-tiful. Could you take Kate to lunch at the English Taco Cabana and have some queso and chips to talk about how it is to live the good life?

  3. If I see her at Royal Ascot, I’ll ask her about the “good” life, though she likely won’t be waiting in line/queue at the bar like I will be, so it isn’t likely…

  4. Glad that was actually satire but I still had some laughs reading your post. My dreams of being royalty would similarly be smashed to smithereens on the “let him win” point. And there is NOTHING wrong with a balding husband. Nothing at all.

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