This is my 100th post. God, no wonder I am too tired to figure out whether to do the Paleo diet or go vegan. 100 posts is a lot of posts. (Don’t you worry, though, there is plenty more where this came from.) It’s been worth the toll on my marriage and my motherhood and my relationships (not everyone wants to be the butt of a blog post, apparently) to stamp my footprint on the blogosphere.
I think now is a good time to let you all know what I could have been doing with my time instead of wooing readers and followers and “likes” all up and down the damn Internet. I am not trying to make you feel guilty for this valuable service that I provide utterly free of charge, but, if you do feel guilty, then take a second to remind yourself that you are probably not as sh*tty of a person as you think you are. (Unless you enjoy the music of R. Kelly. Then you might be a little sh*tty.)
What follows is a non-comprehensive catalog of items on my “to do” list that remain “not yet done,” because a certain matriarch of the household is busy typing away on her blog.
- Resolving Big Questions: I could have resolved my raging internal debate about which is more annoying: zumba teachers or Bikram yoga teachers. This sh*t keeps me up at night, People. (Zumba, right?)
- Baby Books: You know those two little people who live in my house and share Jeff’s last name? Not only can they not get into a motor vehicle by themselves, but they haven’t mastered scrapbooking so I have to do it. No one told me kids were so damn lazy.
- Contradictions: I sometimes think that because I am nearing the milestone age of the big FOUR-OH, I should have a more “consistent” character. That is, I should streamline my desires and my motivations and then charge forth into the world as a coherent being. But I haven’t been able to work on my character much and when I remember that I am attracted to both Malcolm Gladwell and Tony Robbins, I almost think I should check myself into a mental institution.
- Meditation: Right this second, I could (and maybe should) be meditating. I could be rocking my chakras and invoking my higher self to be less of a hater. I know of no downside to meditation, but still I resist. Day after day, I find myself hating new people, places, and things. (Today’s new hate: people whose blog posts are shameless promotions for shitty products. Blech.)
- Housekeeping: I think you can guess that even on the very best of days, my housekeeping lacked a certain . . . cleanliness. And now? Hoooooo Eeeeee. Someone get that guy from Hoarders on the phone.