Zappos Reviews: “I Bought These Shoes But What I Really Need Are Stronger Meds”

Burning question of the day: Who are the mentally  unstable people who write reviews for the sandals on Zappos?  I was perusing Zappos on my iPad while the kids were playing during the kids’ naps, looking for a good wedge sandal for the summer.  Halfway through my search I started reading the reviews.  After about four reviews, I stopped looking at the shoes and just read the reviews.

I was struck by three trends as I read through the reviews of the “hottest sandals” of the season:

1. Masochism:  The people who write these reviews disdain comfort, hate having a shoe that allows them to perambulate without searing pain, and probably hate themselves.  They do, however, love compliments on their strappy sandals and being “in style.”

“These sandals practically burned a hole in my ankle because the strap was too tight and the “leather” was actually plastic, so I had to have my foot amputated because the infection got a little out of control.  But, like, it was so AWESOME to have my boyfriend (he’s in college!) compliment my shoes.  I got tons of compliments at the end of the school year bonfire, right before the other shoe on my non-amputated foot caught on fire.  These shoes are a must have item this season.”

2. Oversharing: I am not sure why I need to know what you did in your sandals after you bought them.  At certain points I wasn’t sure if I was still reading that book or if I was reading reviews. Do I need to know that your ex-husband came over to sign divorce papers, but saw your new sandals (in silver snake skin), and so you two got busy doing that (of course, you left your sandals on) and now he’s not your ex-husband after all, because you never signed the papers.  This reviewer recommends getting them in every color.

The oversharing part is actually worse for the kids’ shoes.  Here’s a review of a toddler’s Keen sandal:

“I bought the orange ones for little Madison-Caitlyn.  She looks even more precious in them than I could have imagined, which is impossible to picture– believe me! If only Zappos let you post pictures– LOL.  Anyway, she’s going to look just like Suri in these for the first day of school in September.  (She’s going to the magnet pre-school because she’s particularly bright for her age– guess she gets that from me– LOL.) ”

3. The Higher The Heel, The Crazier The Review: There’s definitely a correlation between heel height and crazy quotient.  For fun I looked through some reviews of stiletto heels, and the pathology in those reviewers is exponentially higher than those of the flatter shoes.  “These heels are so high you could step on your man’s chest and puncture his heart.”  The women reviewing these heels exhibit a startling amount of homicidal rage.  I am actually going to cross the street next time I see someone coming towards me in stiletto heels.  Someone (not me) might want to suggest to these ladies that wearing more comfortable (and less lethal) shoes might allow happy feelings to flow more freely.

I did not end up buying any shoes, but I did feel better about my own mental health, so I can recommend taking a spin through the reviews if you need to remind yourself that the world is full of people more fragile and more self-hating than you are.

But I have to know: have you written a review on Zappos? Did you fit into these categories? You can tell me– this is a “safe” place.


10 thoughts on “Zappos Reviews: “I Bought These Shoes But What I Really Need Are Stronger Meds”

  1. The stiletto review section of Zappos is a female’s Penthouse forum, where bored college co-eds and housewives begin reviews with the sentence, “I never thought I’d be posting a review but…” It’s lots cheaper than a magazine subscription too.

  2. The part about the punctured heart made me laugh out loud! This was so funny! You described “those people” so well.

    (Thanks for linking this up over at #findingthefunny last week!)

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