These Are The People I Avoid At The Gym

There are some regulars at the gym who freak me out.  Actually, when I see them I want to turn around, hit the Popeye’s drive-thru for some dirty rice and fried chicken to eat at home on my couch. Do you know any of these types?

  • The woman who sits with her naked ass on the common bench in the locker room after her shower.  This is often the same woman, who while still dressed in her birthday suit, pulls out her cell phone and calls up her child’s teacher to complain vociferously about the A minus that her mini-me got in French.  The conversation quickly reveals that the child is in kindergarten.
  • The lascivious guy who positions himself on the elliptical machine so he can stare at the women’s asses.  He pretends to read the Wall Street Journal.
  • The 20-something who comes late to spin class reeking of smoke and complaining about a wretched hangover. As class goes on, you realize his/her sweat is roughly 80% vodka fumes.
  • That woman or man who is always there, no matter when you go. She shows up in yoga and spin class and hovers around the Zumba studio. You change your schedule and attend a crack-of-dawn cardio class and there he is.  How is that possible? Who is she/he?  No one knows. What’s her/his job? As far as you can tell it’s principally hanging around the gym.
  • Woman in locker room who hovers behind you sighing passive aggressively because you are blocking access to her locker.  She makes you so nervous that you drop the towel covering your bare ass to get out of her way (even though you have every right to be there), and you become the woman sitting with your naked ass on the bench because you are a black belt codependent and those sighs were making you mighty uncomfortable.
  • Person who shows up at a yoga class at the gym acting like he’s a goddamned swami with his guttural chants, his portable incense burner, and his excessive “OM.” It’s a gym, buddy. We are all here because we are scared of Zumba and too f*cking tired for spinning.
  • The woman who is wearing a teeny sports bra and a teeny pair of biking shorts who prances around talking exclusively to the men. In my case, she may hold a position of great power in your employer’s HR department. She likely has some medically enhanced body parts.
  • The exerciser who has to belt out songs during spin class, despite an inability to dead lift a tune. Repeat after me: There is no rapping in spin class. Ever. Good for you for knowing the words to “Rappers Delight.”  Now, take it outside.
  • All the a**holes who swarm the gym in January taking my spots in the locker room and in classes because of some BS New Year’s Resolutions.
An empty gym: No one to bug me.

An empty gym: No one to bug me.

  • That woman of a certain age (mine) who hoards all the good magazines while riding the recumbent bike and playing Words With Friends on her iPhone.
  • The aging politician who brings his whole entourage to spin class and spends the entire time ogling young ladies and talking about his time on the campaign trail with the Kennedys.
  • Zumba teachers.
  • The pregnant woman who is there Every. Single. Day– including the day she gives birth and the day after. (Nicole Kidman, I may be thinking of you.) She’s hardcore and she’s in better shape at 40 weeks pregnant than I will ever be.

Who are you avoiding at the gym? (The obnoxious, misanthropic mommy blogger who is full of vitriol and bitterness?)


25 thoughts on “These Are The People I Avoid At The Gym

  1. One (or twenty) more reason to keep my ass out of the gym! Oh, and I’m sorry for hogging all the good magazines. Why is it that my heavy sighs never work to get people out of my way?

  2. Holy crap you read my mind!!! A few weeks ago I blogged about some dude who approached me AT THE SUPERMARKET asking about my workout and how long I’ve been with my trainer and wouldn’t shut the hell up. Funny thing is, I wouldn’t even recognize him at the gym if I wanted to avoid him. My main gym annoyance right now is that all of the college kids are back….tan and toned and prancing around in their neon shoes and PINK outfits. I don’t remember ever looking that good in college. The cardo cougher is another one who bugs. You know the guy who clears his throat and coughs every 30 seconds on the treadmill. Then there’s the moron who gets on the machine right next to you even though there are 25 other treadmills or ellipticals and they are ALL empty.

    • Omg– I had a category for those effing college kids but I took it out bc I really showed how angry I am. Ha! And what about the spin farter?? It’s so wrong!

  3. I love the yoga at the gym people. Excessive ‘OM’ – I’m not sure there is room for any ‘OM’ing at the gym. Hate the magazine hoarders (after the gym they hit up my nail salon) and the 40 week pregnant ladies are just there to make EVERYONE feel bad. I couldn’t even put my own shoes on at 40 weeks.

  4. The MF who thinks he’s Arnold how ever you spell it Swartanegger. And looks at you as he adds 100 more pounds to what you just lifted. The guys that spend more time trying to not look like they are starring at the mirror than lifting. The MF who sweats hard but won’t put down a towel. The guys in the locker room who have conversations butt naked. The guys in the locker room who stare to see if the myth is true (im Black). The women who look good, because then I turn into the guy trying to play off my staring and thus the guy they are trying to avoid. The high school or college star who always used to do that back in high school and college. And the worst that I ever saw the guy with a plug or dildo up his ass that just got out of the whirlpool.

    • Omg. Your comment introduced images and ideas I didn’t know existed. I had no idea those people existed. I should have consulted with a man to find out what happens in your locker rooms. Hilarious!!!! And true.

    • You can always hang your unmentionables out to dry on the gym equipment. Unless, like me, your unmentionables come in bulk from Costco, in which case, you can probably put them in the dryer.

      • My entire wardrobe comes from Costco. I machine wash (not in the gentle cycle) and tumble dry everything. Although, if I used the gym equipment to dry the clothes, I would have to walk down the steps to the basement to hang them, then walk back up to have a Diet Coke and a cupcake, walk back down to get the clothes and then walk up all the steps to get to the second floor to put the stuff away. With all that exercise, who would need the gym????

      • Exactly!!! No extra steps. Ever. I love how I get PO’ed at the gym if I have to take the stairs because the elevator is too slow. It’s on the second floor.

  5. I just avoid the gym. Period. Thanks for reminding me why with your hilarious post.

    I am the passive-aggresive sigher though. Sorry. And then when sweet people like you look at me guiltily, apologize, and get the heck out of the way posthaste, I feel bad for being the b@*&! and say cheerfully, “Oh it’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

    Hubby says this is why I have no friends.

  6. There’s a guy at my gym who is always on the treadmill next to me whenever I run, whatever time of day it is, no matter how many other treadmills there are open. And about every 5 minutes, he lets out a grunt that you can hear a block away, and it startles me so I almost fall off the machine – no matter how loud my music is or how far the earphones are shoved up my ears. It’s a good excuse for quitting running, right?

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