There are some regulars at the gym who freak me out. Actually, when I see them I want to turn around, hit the Popeye’s drive-thru for some dirty rice and fried chicken to eat at home on my couch. Do you know any of these types?
- The woman who sits with her naked ass on the common bench in the locker room after her shower. This is often the same woman, who while still dressed in her birthday suit, pulls out her cell phone and calls up her child’s teacher to complain vociferously about the A minus that her mini-me got in French. The conversation quickly reveals that the child is in kindergarten.
- The lascivious guy who positions himself on the elliptical machine so he can stare at the women’s asses. He pretends to read the Wall Street Journal.
- The 20-something who comes late to spin class reeking of smoke and complaining about a wretched hangover. As class goes on, you realize his/her sweat is roughly 80% vodka fumes.
- That woman or man who is always there, no matter when you go. She shows up in yoga and spin class and hovers around the Zumba studio. You change your schedule and attend a crack-of-dawn cardio class and there he is. How is that possible? Who is she/he? No one knows. What’s her/his job? As far as you can tell it’s principally hanging around the gym.
- Woman in locker room who hovers behind you sighing passive aggressively because you are blocking access to her locker. She makes you so nervous that you drop the towel covering your bare ass to get out of her way (even though you have every right to be there), and you become the woman sitting with your naked ass on the bench because you are a black belt codependent and those sighs were making you mighty uncomfortable.
- Person who shows up at a yoga class at the gym acting like he’s a goddamned swami with his guttural chants, his portable incense burner, and his excessive “OM.” It’s a gym, buddy. We are all here because we are scared of Zumba and too f*cking tired for spinning.
- The woman who is wearing a teeny sports bra and a teeny pair of biking shorts who prances around talking exclusively to the men. In my case, she may hold a position of great power in your employer’s HR department. She likely has some medically enhanced body parts.
- The exerciser who has to belt out songs during spin class, despite an inability to dead lift a tune. Repeat after me: There is no rapping in spin class. Ever. Good for you for knowing the words to “Rappers Delight.” Now, take it outside.
- All the a**holes who swarm the gym in January taking my spots in the locker room and in classes because of some BS New Year’s Resolutions.
- That woman of a certain age (mine) who hoards all the good magazines while riding the recumbent bike and playing Words With Friends on her iPhone.
- The aging politician who brings his whole entourage to spin class and spends the entire time ogling young ladies and talking about his time on the campaign trail with the Kennedys.
- Zumba teachers.
- The pregnant woman who is there Every. Single. Day– including the day she gives birth and the day after. (Nicole Kidman, I may be thinking of you.) She’s hardcore and she’s in better shape at 40 weeks pregnant than I will ever be.
Who are you avoiding at the gym? (The obnoxious, misanthropic mommy blogger who is full of vitriol and bitterness?)