Five (5) Signs I Am Not A Foodie

There are approximately 1,278 signs I am not a foodie. But since it’s Friday and y’all have to get to your lake houses and your bucolic beach retreats while I sit right here like every other damn day, I will just give you the top 5 signs.

1. I just don’t “get” heirloom tomatoes. They are shaped weird, their coloring is bizarre, they cost $37.00 each, and I can’t taste the difference.

2. Turn your foodie nose up all you want, but there’s nothing that Jose Andres (that Spanish chef who freeze dries bits of deer dung to make it taste like raspberry gelato) can make that tastes better than Velveeta melted in a crock pot with a can of Rotel tomatoes. Period. End of debate.

3.  Farmers’ markets– More like “where the hell did my money go?” How come I always leave a farmers’ market $50.00 poorer but all I have to show for it are some tomatoes I can’t begin to understand or appreciate? I also don’t know what kohlrabi is, and I have no idea what to do with all that kale. Farmers markets make me nervous and hungry for Velveeta.

4. My favorite dessert in the whole wide world — and I’ve been to Cleveland and Cabo– is not creme brûlée from Paris or parsnip carpaccio with carmelized sweet breads from Sicily. Nope. It’s the soft-serve frozen yogurt from Costco. Chocolate-vanilla swirl. $1.53. If I end up in a situation where I have to choose my last meal, I hope I am close to a Costco because it melts fast and I hate to miss a single drop.

5. Beverage of choice: Slurpee. Yesterday I had 45 minutes of babysitter time left on the clock and a full tank of gas. I could have gone anywhere and done anything. I brushed my hair, dug some lip gloss out from the bottom of my purse and went straight to 7-11 for a delicious, fruity Slurpee. Best $2.15 I ever spent.

So drive safely on your way to the cottage. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.

NOTE: The makers of the fine American treats featured in this post did not pay me a red cent to mention their goods.  Even if they offered, I would not accept a dime. My love cannot be bought.

Non-foodie nectar

Non-foodie nectar

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27 thoughts on “Five (5) Signs I Am Not A Foodie

  1. After every one of your posts I think to myself “I have GOT to get my a$s to a Costco!” I have never ever been. It sounds like my version of heaven.

    Coke slurpees are my favorite.

    Off to the Farmer’s Market so Ian doesn’t slave away at the office for nothing (spend, spend, spend).

  2. When I hear or see the words “heirloom tomatoes”, I imagine tomatoes that were found in great-grandma’s attic hidden in a chest along with her crochet doilies and costume jewelry.

    And, Slurpees are the BEST.

  3. I’m right there with you! Hand me a cheap popsicle and a box of Cheez-its and I’m in heaven. Giggle. And Slurpees come direct from God!

      • Do you realize just how many times we had to take that damn picture for just that one shot? (My step dad took the photo so we took major advantage.) The boys were running wild and Luke’s hair was so out of control. He’s my little carpet head. He came out of my vah-jay-jay like that, which IS NOT vajazzled, BTW. (Used vay-jay-jay just to get your goat …)

  4. Today I was browsing at Home Sense and nearly bought a $49.95 cotton candy maker. You can have the slurpee, I’ll take the cotton candy. Pink. Or blue. Definitely not yellow. And for soft serve ice cream? DQ. But I do love Costco.

      • Funny! The friend I was with said nearly the same thing. Cotton Candy makes her molars twitch. My new digs will have an A&W Rootbeer Stand (where they attach the tray to your window). I predict I will consume so many rootbeer floats the first month I live there that I will end up on Biggest Loser.

  5. I can’t get past the Velveeta and Rotel crock pot miracle – you’ve been holding out on me! Velveeta is heaven and I haven’t given myself heaven in a long time. Maybe for our next lunch you can whip up a batch?

  6. God, I adore Velveeta, and spray cheese as well. Oh! The doorbell just rang – someone is here to take away my yuppie card.

    • My brother and I have an ongoing debate regarding the pros and cons of Cheez Whiz -v- Velveeta. I love Cheez Whiz. He says it’s a “poser” and only a cheese “product”, not actually cheese. I say who cares, it tastes great on a Ritz. [And I’m not being paid to endorse any of these products, but if Costco wants to send me a free membership, or Cheez Whiz/Velveeta/Ritz a free case of products, who would I be to say no?]

  7. Oh wow, where to start?? First, I’m giggling cause you said “ya’ll.” Don’t they fine you for doing that in Chicago?
    Second, I’m torn between jealousy that you have farmer’s markets that have all those weird veggies and happiness that I can just grab normal veggies from ours. But they’re still stinkin’ expensive, especially if the black-eyed peas are already hulled.
    Third, I recommend that you add Jimmy Dean pork sausage and pinto beans to that Velveeta and Rotel. That’s my foodie contribution of the day.
    Finally, I’m staying home this weekend too. I’m jealous of all my friends who are headed to Red River (the mountains) or to the lake. But I have a little goblin who amuses me and burns easily, so that’s how it goes.
    Have a wonderful weekend full of Velveeta, Slurpees, and Costco (Who do we have to ritually sacrifice to get one of them there Costcos in Amarillo?).

    • I love Red River!! I am jealous of your friends too. Do you at least have a Sam’s club? Pinto beans in my rotel dip? I will try it but only because you are in Texas. Sometimes we put chorizo, but it gives Daddy the runs.

      TMI? Well, hell, it’s friday.

      • We do have a Sam’s Club. And four ginormous Walmarts, each with its own set of weirdos.

        I’m just not a chorizo girl. I think it was because the last time I had it was in college after about 4 Long Island Iced Teas. Doesn’t taste as good coming back up. Talk about TMI.

  8. I grew up on Velveeta and my kids consider it a delicacy served mainly at Grandma’s house. Nothing melts like Velveeta and who doesn’t love that Rotel queso. You could add a can of cat food, and it would still be delicious. I don’t eat at Costco because I’m afraid if I start, I’ll never stop…or if I let my kids start we’ll never get out of there. I tend to be a foodie. I could live on heirloom tomatoes sprinkled with some really snobby french salt from August – September. I forced my kids to do an heirloom tomato taste test vs. the “pretty tomatoes” at the market many years ago and I have made believers of them, too. That being said…I love white wonder bread, Hostess, Little Debbies, Icees and pretty much any flavor of pop-tart except the ones without icing…I mean, what’s the point. There’s my confession for the day. Somehow I feel no shame. Thanks for the outlet and the laughs.

    • I just tried an heirloom tomato that I bought yesterday at whole food because Sadie put it in our cart. Anyway, I promise to try again in tomato season because it was so nasty yesterday. A hothouse heirloom is not so delicious. Perhaps I should revisit in actual tomato season.

  9. Even in tomato season, it depends on the variety. This post was so funny. By the way, if you break down and go to the farmers’ market on Sunday, would you pick me up some sun gold tomatoes? Seriously.

  10. You know what you do with all that kale? Make kale chips. I’ve never tried it myself but I’m sure those would make an excellent delivery system of Velveeta.

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