If I can’t go the rest of my days on this planet without hearing the following, how about just for the rest of today? How about at least until noon?
- “I went potty, but I didn’t wipe.” This is Sadie’s new “thing”– bragging about going potty alone like a big girl, but refusing to wipe like just like an animal or a drunk fraternity guy.
- “I want my CD.” My children have outrageously abysmal taste in music, and you can read about my musical plight here. I have started avoiding car rides with Sadie because I don’t want to fight the CD battle. The minute we step into the garage she starts begging for her CD and I start begging for immediate, onset hearing loss. While it’s getting awkward having to walk everywhere (especially with my broken butt), it’s better than listening to Old MacDonald.
- “Chefs are the new rock stars.” My children don’t say this to me, primarily because they don’t know what cooking is, much less what a chef is. But I have seen this little quip a lot lately, and it bugs me. If I want to experience a rock star, I can turn on the radio, or download a song for free or for the low price of $1.99. But chefs? I have to make a reservation weeks (or months) in advance, get a babysitter, and then pay a lot of money to experience them. Did the Food Network make this up?
- “Have you read Fifty . . .” I am going to stop you right there. I can’t stand talking about this book anymore. Honestly, I can’t handle the conflict. People hate this book like they hate partisan politics and pink goo in their hamburgers. I feel compelled to match my interlocutor’s furor about this book, which is getting exhausting. I am too codependent. Let’s just agree not talk about it.
- “Have you seen the movie, [name any movie]?” I haven’t been to the movies since we had a white guy as President, so unless you are asking about The Wizard of Oz or Fame, the answer is “No, I haven’t seen that movie. Have you seen Sadie’s booger collection? I’ll give you a peek at it for free.”
- Absolutely anyone saying anything before 6:15 AM. I don’t care if Simon is at the foot of my bed reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in Hindi. Or if Jeff is giving me a gift certificate for Canyon Ranch. I. Don’t. Want. To. Hear. It. (until I have slept in all the way to 6:15 AM).
- “Mommy, Simon is drinking out of the toilet again!” Please don’t make me explain this.
- “Living the dream.” This phrase has run its course. It was over about 4.5 years ago, but I still hear it at least five times per week. If you want to make an ironic comment about the state of your life, say something, anything besides this. You’re giving dreams a bad name.
- “I think your hurt glute may be an expression of emotional pain.” Ok, I haven’t heard this more than once (on Monday from my shrink), but if he says it again we may have to move our sessions to the Cook County Jail where I will be held in lock up until someone posts bond for me.
- “My flight is delayed so I will miss bedtime.” Actually, there is only one person from whom I do NOT want to hear this and that’s Jeff who is due to arrive home in time to take over around bedtime. So, if you never hear from me again, you can assume there was a delay and I had to do the bedtime routine alone, and it didn’t go very well.
What about you? What do you NOT want to hear today?