10 Things I Don’t Want To Hear Today (or Ever Again)

If I can’t go the rest of my days on this planet without hearing the following, how about just for the rest of today? How about at least until noon?

Have mercy on my ears today

Have mercy on my ears today

  1. “I went potty, but I didn’t wipe.”  This is Sadie’s new “thing”– bragging about going potty alone like a big girl, but refusing to wipe like just like an animal or a drunk fraternity guy.
  2. “I want my CD.” My children have outrageously abysmal taste in music, and you can read about my musical plight here.  I have started avoiding car rides with Sadie because I don’t want to fight the CD battle. The minute we step into the garage she starts begging for her CD and I start begging for immediate, onset hearing loss.  While it’s getting awkward having to walk everywhere (especially with my broken butt), it’s better than listening to Old MacDonald.
  3. “Chefs are the new rock stars.” My children don’t say this to me, primarily because they don’t know what cooking is, much less what a chef is.  But I have seen this little quip a lot lately, and it bugs me. If I want to experience a rock star, I can turn on the radio, or download a song for free or for the low price of $1.99.  But chefs? I have to make a reservation weeks (or months) in advance, get a babysitter, and then pay a lot of money to experience them. Did the Food Network make this up?
  4. “Have you read Fifty . . .” I am going to stop you right there.  I can’t stand talking about this book anymore.  Honestly, I can’t handle the conflict.  People hate this book like they hate partisan politics and pink goo in their hamburgers.  I feel compelled to match my interlocutor’s furor about this book, which is getting exhausting.  I am too codependent.  Let’s just agree not talk about it.
  5. “Have you seen the movie, [name any movie]?” I haven’t been to the movies since we had a white guy as President, so unless you are asking about The Wizard of Oz or Fame, the answer is “No, I haven’t seen that movie.  Have you seen Sadie’s booger collection? I’ll give you a peek at it for free.”
  6. Absolutely anyone saying anything before 6:15 AM. I don’t care if Simon is at the foot of my bed reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in Hindi. Or if Jeff is giving me a gift certificate for Canyon Ranch.  I. Don’t. Want. To. Hear. It. (until I have slept in all the way to 6:15 AM).
  7. “Mommy, Simon is drinking out of the toilet again!” Please don’t make me explain this.
  8. “Living the dream.” This phrase has run its course. It was over about 4.5 years ago, but I still hear it at least five times per week.  If you want to make an ironic comment about the state of your life, say something, anything besides this.  You’re giving dreams a bad name.
  9. “I think your hurt glute may be an expression of emotional pain.” Ok, I haven’t heard this more than once (on Monday from my shrink), but if he says it again we may have to move our sessions to the Cook County Jail where I will be held in lock up until someone posts bond for me.
  10. “My flight is delayed so I will miss bedtime.” Actually, there is only one person from whom I do NOT want to hear this and that’s Jeff who is due to arrive home in time to take over around bedtime.  So, if you never hear from me again, you can assume there was a delay and I had to do the bedtime routine alone, and it didn’t go very well.

What about you? What do you NOT want to hear today?


33 thoughts on “10 Things I Don’t Want To Hear Today (or Ever Again)

    • OH MY GOD, you are dead right. I loathe that more than anything. Why can’t that saying be: “I am too apathetic about life to come up with something solution-oriented or to change my position as a victim or something besides that.” I almost had to stop watching Top Chef on Bravo because those chefs say that all the time. And then how could I have material to make fun of Padma Lakshmi if I don’t watch it.

      • I have debated with my hubs whether that is better or worse than stone cold silence. I think I prefer silence to vapid, meaningless words. But I never shut my mouth so I have little ground to stand on.

  1. Fantastic list and I can sign on for all of them (even the music one. Because even though my kids have decent taste in pop music hearing the same thing 10 bajillion times makes my ears melt.

    Can we add “Nora Ephron was way too young.”? I love Nora like the rest of them and I am very sad to hear about her death. But she was 71! That’s not exactly “too young”. People are really starting to take their 80-something life expectancy to the extreme.

    • Totally agree on NE. She was a genius and gave us some great movies and accomplished a lot, but she wasn’t 40 or 50 or 60. I wish she was still here, but that’s another story. Totally with you. Now, let’s all watch When Harry Met Sally and honor her work!

  2. I take back my recent question to you about Fifty Shades. In fact, just pretend that it never happened. This post is so damn good I’m over here seething with envy. No. 10 is probably one of the WORST things I could hear – especially when Rick’s been gone for a few days. And we’ve got mounds of boogers over here, too. Just cleaned a petrified one off of Luke’s wall yesterday – that tells you how long I avoided the thing. If I could ever get my shit together, I definitively want you to guest post on my blog.

    • Right? The booger situation was bad in the winter, but summer has blown it away. (No pun intended if that’s even really a pun, because we don’t blow our noses around here; we do a steady drip all over the things that mommy loves– furniture, Simon, clothes, shoes, food.) BUt your Fifty Shades comment wasn’t full of ire and “She’s such a shitty writer” fury, which frankly scares me. There are a lot of really “bad” books that are popular. Dan Brown. I never really liked Grisham….anyway, say the word and I will guest post the shit out of your blog! 😉

      • In my humble opinion, Ms. James is a mediocre writer at best. The book was repetitive and overdone in places (I found myself cringing every time Ana talked about her “inner goddess”). It definitely could have used more editing. But what impresses me about Ms. James is that she’s a damn brave writer to have tackled this story – and I aspire to that. Not necessarily erotica, but the fact that she put it all out there despite what people might think. And for a writer, that’s a lesson in itself. While I think Fifty Shades no literary masterpiece, I’m careful not to criticize it too much. I mean, who am I to judge another writer’s work? Because trust me, I’m sure there’s someone out there who could tear my book to shreds (and might already have). I’d rather use that energy to better my own writing, which these days is hard enough as it is. Now, for a truly twisted and sick literary masterpiece that blows Fifty Shades out of the water, go read Lolita by the late Vladimir Nabokov if you haven’t already. It will leave you reeling in disgust – and envy. And BTW, I could never get into Grisham either. I tried reading one of his books and stopped midway through. Will contact you offline about you posting the shit out of my blog. 🙂

  3. Pretty much anything about “my big girl panties.” Yes, I’ll tough out whatever craptastic situation I find myself in, and I know I’ll be fine. But can I just have my moment to not like whatever it is I’m complaining about? Can I just say something is going to suck without being told to put my big girl panties on and deal with it? Wearing big girl panties is a celebration when you’re little. It means you have learned how to handle your own toilet situation, and you’re out of diapers, and from now on, you can have My Little Pony/Care Bears/Snow White on your undies. How did a celebratory rite of passage become a trite, somewhat dismissive commandment to shut up and deal? (Not that I’m bitter of anything…) 🙂

    • You know what, you are totally right about this. I have used that expression without much thought, and I totally appreciate the thought you have given it. It is misogynist too, right? And yet another example of a preoccupation with little girls and their under parts. Your comment is exactly WHY I love comments because I learn about myself, my use of language and think about things in new ways. And yes, venting is always acceptable here. Always. No matter what undergarments you choose to wear.

      • Ha! Thanks so much! I usually hit the submit button and then think, well, crap, I might have been a tad overly-enthusiastic. But I appreciate your reply and your seeing my point of view on it. I love the idea of using a list of things you don’t want to hear today. What’s on your list of things you DO want to hear? (I can think of lots of those too!) 🙂

  4. My daughter’s thing, ACTually MOM…she has been saying that for 4 years now, she is 8 and I don’t think it will stop anytime soon. Here is just an example
    MOM: “Anna make your bed, please”.
    Anna: “ACTually MOM I was looking for my shoes to go outside.”

  5. White academics “unpacking” a concept instead of merely analyzing or looking at it.
    White people saying “awesome” instead of good or great.
    White people in therapy saying “around” instead of about (as in “I’m having some feelings around this.”)

    • Oh don’t get me started Mr. B. How about accounting people talking about “silos” or “buckets” of revenue or whatever.

      How about lawyers talking about “the slippery slope”?

      How accountants talking about “thinking outside of the box”? Wait, that’s not accountants. That’s ad people. Marketing.

      Oooh, look what you started.

  6. “I know, right?”. I hate that phrase. One could simply say, “I know!”, or “Right?” or even “Right!”. Shit, say just say”Right on.” At least if you say that then you sound hip and like you don’t give a shit. This “I know, right?” business MUST STOP.

  7. I came across some children’s music I like recently–Renee and Jeremy. They do their own songs and say anyone can enjoy them. Check them out on youtube. I really like ‘It’s a Big World’ and ‘Night Mantra”

    Dd likes seeing a few videos on my smartphone when she can’t sleep. I hate being one of those parents…parenting by cell phone…but if it works why not. .

  8. Oh, and as for things I don’t want to hear… “my bad!” Sounds like a 12 year old. And uptalk, you know? Where some women (rarely men) end every sentence as if it were a question? One of the lawyers at my office does this? Wonder how the clients feel about it?

    • My bad!!!!!! Yesssssss– makes my ears burn. It’s so juvenile. And the uptalk…. A lot of my students did this– male and female. It sounds ridiculous. Where did that come from?

  9. Pingback: Music To My Ears | Outlaw Mama

  10. I don’t want to hear my wife of forty years say, “Tell me why you love me.” After forty years she should know. I found you on Finding the Funny and your blog is great. You’re a gifted writer with a sharp sense of humor. I hope you visit me sometime at Chubby Chatterbox. Take care.

    Chubby Chatterbox.

    • Lol! Would it be ok if your wife asked you if you liked her hair? My husband is not a big fan of that question. I am heading over to your blog now! Thanks for the kind words.

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