My Version of Elevator Chit-Chat

The following is a true story:

I got into the elevator on the way to my therapist’s office (18th floor).  A man wearing scrubs got in right behind me and pushed the button for the 19th floor. He was wearing the full scrubs get-up, including that shower-cap-looking head covering.  He was holding a plastic baggie full of what looked like leftovers from lunch.

Me and Enrique Igelsias getting into an elevator

Me and Enrique Igelsias getting into an elevator

I was in a bit of a mood (for the full description of that day’s previous melodrama, click here), so I decided to mess with him.  I am sociopathic like that.

Me: Is that a human heart?

[Wide-eyed and confused until he realized I was talking about the 7 bites of his leftover Jimmy Johns sandwich he stuffed in the bag]

Him: I am a dentist.

Me: OH MY GOD, some people have teeth in their hearts? Can I see?

Him: This is not a heart.

Me: But is that a bag of teeth that you pulled from someone’s heart?

Him: No. I don’t really know what you are talking about.

Me: You are the one holding heart teeth in the elevator.

Him: No I am not.

Me: If someone is born with teeth in their heart, is that considered a congenital heart defect?

Him: I don’t really know.

Me: How many times during your whole lifetime have you said, ‘open wide’?

Him: I don’t know.

Me: Could you figure it out? How many times per day and roughly how many days have you worked since you got your cardiologist’s license?

Him: I am not a cardiologist; I am a dentist.

Me: Then, you probably shouldn’t be holding a human heart in a baggie in the elevator. You should use the service elevator.

Him: Are you ok? You don’t seem well.

Me: You have no idea. You have no freaking idea.

[DING! The elevator doors opened to the 18th floor.]

Me: You think you have it bad trying to extract teeth from human hearts? Think how my therapist feels– he’s gotta treat someone like me.

Him: Um…..

Me: Have a nice day!

* * *

How your elevator game?


17 thoughts on “My Version of Elevator Chit-Chat

  1. Oh, GAWD! I am laughing so hard I can’t stop!!! That poor man… What utter cruelty to inflict on a dentist! Of all the brass-tacks types of men in the world, they must be the cut-and-driest. I can see him scratching his head from here!

    Absurdity definitely becomes you, Ms. Christie!

    (and because I read ahead, your Blue Baby story is as beautiful and whole as this one was, shall we say, unhinged…) Love ya!

    • I gotta keep ya’ll guessing! Now you can have a taste of what it’s like in my head– from pathos to the sublime to tragedy to hilarity. It’s exhausting being me. And I totally agree about dentists– that was so freaking fun you have no idea. Elevators without dentists seem lonely now. Unhinged = Best compliment ever.


  2. Outlaw Mama,
    I need to thank you. I’ve just recently found your blog and hadn’t visited in quite a while so I read from the Bronzed Shoes post down to here…. First, thank you for the laughs. Second – can we hang together? I had a real Oprah Aha moment reading your blog today!!!! I NEED TO LIGHTEN UP!!!! I am taking life much too seriously – wow! Messing with that poor dentist in the elevator – genius – that I would never attempt. You already know how to play – I need to learn. I don’t even have a therapist! I’ll be hanging out here to learn from you! Thanks!

    • I will impart everything I know. I suspect the useful stuff you read here is stuff I learned from others. And the cringe-worthy stuff–that’s all me. And yes, we can totally hang!!!!

  3. Pingback: No Leaving Sandra Bland Behind | Outlaw Mama

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