If You Are Thinking Any of These 5 Things During Magic Mike, You Should Look For Your Libido

I saw the male stripper flick, Magic Mike, starring Channing Tatum (himself a former “male dancer”) and Matthew McConaughey (a Texas boy I think we can all agree has missed some teachable moments along the way– like the moment where someone was trying to teach him to put a shirt on and put his doobie down).

Anyway, notwithstanding my own deep-seated sexual repression (remember, I am more aroused by Coscto than the soft porn in Fifty Shades), I was sure I could enjoy it for what it was: a movie with some six packs and gyrations and probably a great soundtrack. (When the invitation for the movie came, I decided to put aside any socio-political objections I harbor about objectifying men, so this is not where this post is going, because OH MY GOD HOW BORING WOULD THAT BE?)

But, after about 25 minutes, I proved that I was missing the point of Magic Mike and that I was helpless to bring my focus to the raw sexual appeal of mostly-naked men.  So, this movie accomplished what a combined total of 28 months of breast-feeding, 3 years and 1 week of wiping the snotty noses of the children who bear my genes, and spending more money on baby carriers than food could never do.

Yes, it took this movie to show me that I have crossed so far into the deep thicket of motherhood that I have lost all previous trails– like the one that would allow me to enjoy Channing Tatum’s abs and, well, everything north or south thereof.

What was it that convinced me that my libido had atrophied in favor of my overdeveloped mother muscles?  Good question.

Here are the 5 things I thought about during Magic Mike that convinced me I am  more mom than woman:

1.  Hand sanitizer: I swear to Christmas, I caught myself looking for hand sanitizer on the screen.  “Why doesn’t the strip club have a dispenser right off stage left where the dancers have ingress and egress to the stage?”  (Seriously? This is what I am looking for during this movie?  And, who uses the word “egress”?)

Where was the hand sanitizer?

Where is there greater need for hand sanitizer than a strip club?

2. Pulled muscles: Of course I was worried about the men pulling their muscles as they shimmied around the stage. I gasped audibly when the “Fireman” pulled his back lifting the heavy-set woman over his head.  I couldn’t stop wondering if there was adequate first-aid backstage.  It didn’t seem like the type of club that would keep a well-stocked supply of ibuprofen or ace bandages.

3. Apartment safety: I almost had to breathe into a paper bag during every scene in Brook’s apartment.  First of all, she lived alone (until her brother came to live on her couch) on the first floor.  As my mom says, “that’s the floor where you can get murdered.”  The setting was a somewhat seedy neighborhood in Tampa, so WHY WAS SHE LIVING ON THE MURDER FLOOR?  Also, when Magic Mike knocks on her door at 11PM, she looked through a peephole in an unchained door. That chain should have been locked!  Also, her blinds were open.   So, let’s review: Single woman living along in seedy neighborhood who fails to fasten the safety chain on her door and leaves her blinds open?  WHAT ARE YOU DOING, STEVEN SODERBERGH? TRYING TO KILL ME?

4. Water Safety:  Did you notice during the scene where Channing and the Kid jump into the water from the bridge that they did NOT check the depth before diving?  I wondered if I had walked into a horror movie. Did they not know that moms would see this movie and care about (1) the safety of the actors and (2) cinematic depictions proper water safety?

5. Stripper health: At one point, the elder statesman of the strip club, “Tarzan,” collapsed back stage.  During the following scene, I could see the outline of his fallen body, off to the right.  I couldn’t concentrate on Channing counting his money or Matthew being all slick and tan, because TARZAN HAD A SEIZURE.  Was I not supposed to care about that?  Is that just what happens when you are a 40-something stripper? Collapsing is just part of the job?

Finally, I kept wondering where the Lance Armstrong cameo was. I have never, ever picked up an US Magazine and seen McConaughey without a shirtless Lance on a dirt bike.  He could have played the biker stripper!

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26 thoughts on “If You Are Thinking Any of These 5 Things During Magic Mike, You Should Look For Your Libido

  1. First things first: why is your hand sanitizer the Safeway brand and not Berkley & Jensen (aka Costco house) brand???? Where is your Costco loyalty?
    Second, there is hope for a mom-covery. My mom, who just turned 70, went to see Magic Mike and loved it. Of course, both of my sisters-in-law and I will now need surgery to repair our broken jaws when they collectively dropped on the counter when she told us she loved the movie. Luckily they were only minor fractures, as my mom has formica countertops, not granite.
    Third, I am frightened to think that I would have the same concerns as you (I haven’t seen the movie yet). Also, I would wonder if they had a good health and dental plan at the strip club.

      • Thank you for understanding. Also, I am pretty sure that was bought in a fit of post-partum depression when everything in the world seemed dirty and dangerous. A girl does what she needs to do after a C-section in the biggest snow storm of the century. And yes, these are my official excuses.

  2. Oh god, my son is so babied (by me) that he can’t dress himself at 3yo. Am I raising a future McConaughey?

    I haven’t seen the movie yet but all of these things are of great concern to me. I can’t imagine I would enjoy with these kinds of serious distractions. Damn it, I was holding this one in my back pocket. I guess that vibrator giveaway really has to come through now.

  3. There was a huge rumor a few years ago that McConaughey had bought a house in Amarillo in my neighborhood. I lost 26 pounds that summer walking the neighborhood looking for some naked bongo drumming. Didn’t find any. I’m still bitter.

    I have to confess that I was given the choice between seeing Magic Mike and another movie and I chose the other movie. Bigger confession: the other movie was Disney/Pixar’s Brave and we didn’t even have any children with us to blame it on. Is it bad that I snuck alcohol into a Disney movie?

  4. Outlaw Mama, don’t you know you can buy movie tickets at Costco!?! Two anytime passes for $15.99 = More money for Frozen Yogurt and Hot Dogs.

      • Oh, I buy tickets at Costco all the time. They are my go-to gifts for teachers (Dollar Spot popcorn bucket from Target, filled with candy and movie passes). In Canada, we have a few choices: kid’s pass that includes movie and kid snack (popcorn, drink, candy), single passes, and Date Night (2 passes, large popcorn, two drinks). Of course, every movie we want to see is in the 3D theater, so we have to pay an extra $3 per person.

      • For real. Never again shall you pay $11 to see Channing Tatum! The Lincoln Park Costco usually has ticket packages for both, Landmark and Regal Cinemas, so you can be picky in your theater selection.

        THE MORE YOU KNOW.

  5. Was great to laugh through your post!

    I totally get the way you think, but I have a slightly different take. I’m not sure that the issue is with your having a low (or nonexistent) libido as much as it’s about what happens to us mommies after we have kids… We are now responsible and finely-tuned to see danger wherever it may lurk (which can be anywhere and everywhere)!

    Being a psychologist and mom – and an activist in the Alcohol Free hand sanitizer industry (because of the effects of alcohol on children’s delicate systems), I am always thinking about necessary applications for hand sanitizer, but I had never before thought about a strip club as a necessary venue. Thanks for the heads-up (no pun intended)!

    Dr. Marla Reis
    getsafehands.com
    (if you’d like more info on our Alcohol Free Mission for your kids)

  6. OMG – funniest post yet! Thank you for warning me off Magic Mike – I need more reasons to think about lurking dangers like I need … to see Magic Mike. Just left my kids near a bacteria laced lake (hand sanitizer combat zone), in a remote small town (murder central), surrounded by water (utter terror for me, too), with my hubby who pulled a back muscle this morning (not stripping). Coincidence? Hmmm…

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