My kids are going to be very confused when they figure out some of the “creative” ways I have explained things to them. It’s not lying; it’s just tempering reality to make it more digestible for their little systems. Nevertheless, I hope I am not around when they discover just how far from reality I have strayed.
This summer has been a particularly fertile time both for their questions and for my answers. Here are the top 6 most creative
lies explanations I have given my children:
1. GUM: Sadie has realized that I always have gum in my mouth. Naturally, she’s curious; she wants some. I have told her that those special pink rectangles are “Mommy’s medicine,” which is not good for little people so I don’t offer her any. “The medicine keeps Mommy healthy and satisfies her relentless need for oral stimulation.”
2. CONDOMS: We’ve been a little negligent about putting private, adult materials in drawers that the kids can’t reach. So when Sadie came across the numerous condoms in Jeff’s drawer (they are sold at Costco, so it’s a bulk-sized stash), I had to explain what they were. I told her they were “special band-aids for daddies.” That’s not a lie, is it?
3. TORTILLAS: I am not proud of this, but it was an emergency the day I told Sadie that when you have a special kind of runny nose, you have to blow into flour tortillas instead of tissues. This is definitely not a lie because when Sadie had that “special” runny nose, I didn’t have any tissues with me at the park. I did, however, have 12 extra-large flour tortillas, so I made it work. It’s not a lie if it’s true, people.
4. ICE CREAM TRUCK: I told the children in the early summer days that the ice cream truck only plays that special music when it runs out of ice cream. Now, when the other children appear to be huddling around the musical truck plastered with pictures of confections, my kids know there is no ice cream left. That is a lie, but I stole it from Mammalingo, who’s brilliant, so I am pretty sure I am forgiven because I am only the messenger.
5. VIBRATORS: As I mentioned in my post-BlogHer ’12 review, my children found the 4 vibrator boxes I hauled home from NYC. Sadie told me she knew they were a special kind of bubbles just for mommies, and I didn’t disabuse her of that notion. A lie by omission? Maybe. If you object, then let me know a better explanation for a 3 year old.
6. CAMPING: One of our neighbor’s took her daughter camping, and Sadie thought it sounded like a summer must-do. Since we won’t cross the county line with our children because we are too chicken shit, I had to come up with a way to let Sadie experience camping in a way that would not require me to pack 45 snacks, 3 tarps, 4 gallons of non-toxic bug spray + sunscreen, and 3 first-aid kits for an overnight trip in the “great” outdoors. We took the kids on a camping trip. In the living room. You know, just like everyone else camps, right? RIGHT.
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With Sadie starting school, I was concerned that I would have to straighten all of this out ASAP. But, really, are they going to be covering vibrators and condoms in preschool?