Dear Younger Self, Stop Saying The Guys Who Dumped You Were Gay

Sometimes I buck the trends, and sometimes I drag my mom to the mall to buy Jellies and chalk-striped jeans because everyone in 5th grade has them. Today, I am hopping on an epistle bandwagon.  I am referring to authors writing letters to their younger selves.  Great examples of that appear here and here.

Ever since I saw this idea, I have been thinking of what I would tell myself.  I suck at taking advice, so I don’t want to waste my breath.  I wouldn’t bother telling younger me to embrace big concepts, like Carpe Diem or Love Your Body As It Is.  I am pretty sure she would give me a ka-pow to the kisser if I took that route.

So, I took another one:

Letter to my younger self (Hey, Mrs. Price, thanks for all those B- grades on penmanship.)

Letter to my younger self (Hey, Mrs. Price, thanks for all those B- grades on penmanship.)

Dear Christie,

Here’s some things I wish you might consider sooner rather than later.

  • I can’t believe you haven’t figured this out, but you should NOT shop for jeans when you feel fat.  Go to the shoe department and ONLY the shoe department.
  • Can you please start wearing nicer bras so you don’t end up almost 40 years old with a “lingerie” drawer full of Champion sports bras from Target? Please do some leg work; you are going to get busier later in life.  Don’t make Old Christie do everything.
  • While you are sitting around moping about being single, go ahead and start good habits around shaving your legs.  I know you went to an all-girls high school, but you’re out in the real world now and that stubbly stuff isn’t a sign of anything subversive; it’s just laziness.
  • Alternatively, you can decide to go native and stop shaving.  That’s fine with me, but this is an instance where “shit or get off the pot” applies.
  • Honey, please stop telling people that the guys who dumped you were gay.  All 7 of them.  It’s homophobic, likely untrue, and makes you look sort of mal-adjusted and sexually hostile.
  • Don’t get those two kittens because you are lonely.  They’ll be hard to get rid of and you hate pets.  And also: litter boxes.
  • Consider being proud of yourself for buying a condo on your own instead of fretting about being an “old maid who no one wants.”
  • Don’t buy your first iPod at Costco. Go to the Apple Store and have the full experience.  Plus, when it breaks down, it will be harder to convince those Apple genius people to care for your sick iPod that you purchased from Costco.  (SPOILER ALERT: You will spend 87 hours on the phone with someone in India trying to fix your Costco iPod if you don’t follow this advice.)
  • Go to your grandmothers funeral even though it’s hours before the bar exam.   Missing this will leave your mourning open for years, like a parenthesis with only one “(“.  Please.   Just go.
  • Don’t get bangs. Ever.  Ask someone who loves you to accompany you to the hair salon when you are postpartum.  Tell that someone that you are NOT allowed to get bangs.  Take that person to lunch after the hair salon because she did you a huge favor.
Bangs, a No-No

Bangs, a No-No

  • Don’t be so scared of the big cases at work.  You may not be a lawyer forever, so go all-in while you can.  Ask Tina Tchen if you can work on one of her cases.  Keep asking.
  • Have more fun.* (* By “fun”, I most certainly mean sex.  You are a good girl and denying yourself pleasure won’t make you better; it just means you have sexual anorexia.   Use safety precautions, but definitely have more sex.)

Sincerely,

Your Older Self

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25 thoughts on “Dear Younger Self, Stop Saying The Guys Who Dumped You Were Gay

  1. Oh god I loved Jellies. They made a half-hearted comeback when I was in college and I rocked clear ones on a regular basis. It wasn’t pretty.

    I also want bangs all the time but I don’t have the nerve to do it – my hair is wavy and I’d have to iron or blow dry every day. I’m lucky if I wipe my ass every day and that’s pretty much a non-optional requirement for life.

    Great list. My heart breaks for the timing of your grandmother’s funeral. There’s no way I would have gone and I can imagine it being a huge obstacle to closure.

    Ah, the sex. Yes. There’s a spectrum between not acting like it’s life or death just because you give it away and into slut city but I was always afraid that one time with one person I didn’t imagine myself marrying would have made me a full time resident of said city. It’s not true young Carinn. It’s not true.

  2. God I love this post so much. Already sent it to my BFF with the description being “I am only to the bra part and I am laughing out loud!”. You rock!!!

  3. I love this post! I am with you on the bangs. In college, I thought cutting my own bangs an hour before going out to the bar was a great idea! It wasn’t. It really, really wasn’t.

  4. I can always count on you for a laugh! Mac store–for anything mac. It’s not worth the savings. You are so right! It’s ok to buy the cases and stuff elsewhere though. The bangs are priceless. I haven’t had them since 1998!

  5. HA!!! LOVE the last item! I too have a drawer full of Champion sports bras from Target. Also, what if one of your ex-boyfriends really did turn out to be gay? Seriously.

    • If I am factually stating that someone, say Pete, is now enjoying a sex life with a man, that’s fine. If I am bitter and throwing that around like some kind of band aid for my broken heart when I have zero reason to believe its true…. I better shut it.

      • Say Pete…ha! I should clarify. My letter to myself would go something like, “Right now you’re wondering if that cute boy with the beautiful voice is gay. Pretty soon he’s going to ask you out. That still won’t convince you. You’re going to flat out ask him if he’s gay, and he’s going to tell you no. Now you can choose to accept his answer and proceed to date him for the next year and a half. But let’s be clear. He is most definitely gay.”

  6. Amen to all of it! More sex is the best advice to give any of our younger selves! And I fully support you believing all your ex-s are gay – mine sure are! And alcoholic too! This post is soooo great – loved it!

  7. I like to consider myself the anti-bangs authority. I have thwarted many bang-cutting efforts. Apologies I did not know you at the time – rest assured I would have stopped it. And taken that free lunch. Great list.

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