In yesterday’s post, I made fun of my (lack of) math skills in my typical exaggerated fashion. Today, I am bragging on what a good calculator I actually am. No more hiding my light under a bushel.
For my entire life, I have been a stellar, Nobel-Prize-worthy calculator. In each stage of my life I can remember, I have reduced every decision to a single calculation. It’s simple, exquisite, and quite handy as a way to get myself to make tough decisions that life is always presenting me.
Here’s the breakdown of my lifetime of calculations, where every decision could be reduced to my then-reigning core values:
How close will I get to candy if I choose X versus Y? — Me at ages 4-6
How will this further my relationship to God? — Me at ages 6-8 (I prayed for the stigmata, so I wasn’t fucking around on this one)
Which outcome will bring me closer to becoming a star ballerina? — Me at ages 8-12
How will this affect my status with the “cool” kids at school? — Me at ages 12-FOREVER
Which outcome will be the least likely to mess up my perm or smudge my blue eyeliner? — Me at ages 13-15
How will this affect my chances of getting a boyfriend? — Me at ages 13-18
How many calories am I likely to burn if I choose X versus Y? — Me at FOREVER
How will this affect my GPA? — Me at ages 18-22
How much money will this cost? — Me at ages 22-25 (Poor, graduate school years)
How much will this make my boyfriend drink? — Me at ages 25-27 (The “dating alcoholics” years)
Will this disrupt my studies? — Me during law school (NERD ALERT!)
Which outcome is more likely to please my therapist? — Me at ages 28-33 (Self-aware, but still a NERD!)
Which outcome is more likely to put me in contact with eligible men, one of whom just might be “the one”? — Me at ages 33-37
Which outcome will make the gut-twisting nausea stop? — Me at pregnant
Which decision will make this baby SHUT THE FUCK UP? — Me with newborns
Which decision will make the baby weight disappear fastest? — Postpartum Me
Which decision will enable me to get more sleep? — Me for the rest of my life
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See? That’s all sort of mathy isn’t it? I am giving myself credit for the skill involved in tracking how a decision to change cell phone carriers may or may not allow me to burn calories. Or how the decision to bring an umbrella to the park may affect my sleep for the next few nights. My brain, it’s always so busy.