10 Lies I Tell My Husband

Last week I talked about the lies I sometimes tell my children, as well as those I tell on behalf of my children. This week, I am talking about the lies I tell my husband. Some of them are so automatic that I forget that they are actually UNtrue. My plan is to clean up these false statements so that my marriage will be stronger. Besides, once he reads this post, I will be so busted.

Here are the top 10 lies I tell my husband:

  1. I’m not mad. Why do I even say this when it’s so obvious that I am fuming? Why do I have to start every hard conversation with that defensive salvo, “I’m not mad.” What is so wrong about being mad?  And Lord help him if he’s the first to mention that I might be a little bit angry.  Under those circumstances, you can bet your Pumpkin Spiced Latte that I will never admit anger.
  2. No, I’ve had this forever.  Anyone with me on this one?  Your husband notices that you have something new (sweater, scarf, shoes), but you can’t bring yourself to admit your latest shopping spree?  You roll out the whitest of lies– “This old thing? I’ve had it forever.”  I have diluted the potency of this little trick through rampant overuse.
  3. I had a coupon.  On the rare occasion that I actually admit that my sweater is new, I am quick to follow up with this little gem.  I assume that even though I have never in my life used a coupon and my husband knows that, he’ll still buy this little clump of BS.
  4. It won’t hurt my feelings if you don’t want to eat it.  I came THIS close to saying this last night about a meal I had worked relatively hard on (I chopped and sautéed).  If you must know, it was a Spanish chickpea stew with turkey meatballs. When I tasted it, I thought it sucked.  I opened my mouth to tell Jeff that I would not be offended if he made himself a different dinner.  But I stopped myself.  Because that would have been a lie.  (This lie is an example of something I wish was true about me. I certainly wish I was carefree and self-assured enough to absorb the humiliating blows of a spouse who hates your cooking.  But, I am not.  Luckily, Jeff knows that so we can skip this charade most of the time.)
  5. I don’t have a preference.  Sometimes, this is a true statement, but often, it’s just a distortion of the truth, which is that I DEFINITELY have a strong preference (that he change Simon’s diaper, or that he make the salad without onions, or that he stay with the kids while I run to Costco).
  6. You don’t have to buy me a present.  Here’s the deal with this one. I say this hoping that he will know I am lying.  I want to be the person who doesn’t want a present (even though I really do), but by pretending I don’t want one, I hope I will be rewarded.  With a present.
  7. You can have the big piece. Um, this is only true if we are splitting livers and onions.  But if it’s a carb, a sweet, or a vegetable, I want the biggest piece.  Actually, I want it all, and I want Jeff to politely back away.
  8. I just want to say one thing.  Everyone who has spent more than 6 seconds with me knows this is a huge lie, but I still say it all the time.  My husband knows better than anyone that “one more thing” always turns into about 19, which means I either do not understand math or I am a liar.  (Or both.)
  9. Take your time. The kids and I are fine! Much like #6, this is a lie that is born of the disparity between who I am (the struggling shrew who wants her husband to come home to help her) and who I want to be (the patient, wise, modern-day Mary Poppins who has everything under control all the time).  Many times I do mean that Jeff should take his time, but only if that takes no more than 5 more minutes.  Language– it’s so slippery.
  10. I haven’t seen it.  This is a lie that I find myself telling, hoping my husband will think it was either the babysitter or the cleaning lady or our children who threw away something he was looking for.  In my fits of decluttering, I tend to throw away tons of household items that my husband uses.  But, when he’s standing at the counter asking where the special brush for the cast iron pan is, I can’t bring myself to tell him I chucked it.  So, I lie.

I am exposing these lies to the light that emanates from the Interwebs.  Here’s to my getting-more-honest-everyday project! (I just named that project right here, so it has not previously been a thing, but it may be a thing now.)

Do you ever fib to your partner? Do tell!


33 thoughts on “10 Lies I Tell My Husband

  1. Good Lord, woman! I can fix all that right now:
    2, 3, 6: “You bought it for me for my birthday.”
    1, 5, 8, 9 “I’m at the end of my rope and I’m going for a walk. You handle this.”
    4, 7 “Will you go pick up pizza, please? Take the kids.”
    10 “Yes, but I don’t remember where. Now will you go pick up pizza, please?”

    [I tell my Spouse no white lies. And that’s probably why we’re barely hanging on.]

  2. Girl, I am right there with you! On virtually all of these, especially #10 but less of #2 and #3 because John shops for my clothes (I’m serious) and would totally know if I was lying. But I throw his shit out all the time and usually about exactly 3 minutes before he suddenly needs that receipt that is 2 years old.

  3. Oh god I say #6 and #9 all the time and I never mean it! I can’t stop. Our anniversary is this month and I just used the “I don’t want a present lie”. Why can’t I stop? Why doesn’t he know they are lies as soon as they come out of my mouth? Also on #9, I generally mean it but I think my kids must hear me and take that as a sign they’ve been too easy on me for the day. In the extra hour it takes Ian to get home they’ve suddenly sent me off the deep end. Rotten creatures.

  4. I have used the line, “I’ve had this forever” when talking about new clothes that have been hidden in my closet for a month or two so many times that my husband now says it for me. I think he is onto me that I try to space the introduction of new items. You know what, I don’t even consider some of these lies, more like keeping the peace!

  5. Guilty!
    “No, I don’t know where that is hon” – maybe it’s ‘cuz I threw it away, gave it away, sold it at the yard sale two years ago – in other words, it’s somewhere at the dump or at the Salvation Army or at someone else’s house and I don’t exactly know where it is now, do I?! I didn’t lie! So sorry dear. Not.
    “I’m going to the grocery store” – when actually I just want to have privacy to talk on the phone to a friend or be by myself for awhile without constant questions or interruptions because I am not paying attention to him – “who you talking to? what are you doing? you wanna?”. Sigh.
    “I don’t care” about the restaurant, meal, show, present. Yes, I do. And you better wise up and figure it out.
    “Thank you for ……whatever you did” – but I really wish you hadn’t cooked this less than tasty meal that I don’t know how to get out of eating, washed my laundry on heavy duty with the towels because now my good clothes are full of pills, had asked me before you trimmed (butchered) the hell out of my beautiful lilac bush so that it won’t bloom for another year or two, started another da#*&% project before you finished any of the other 85 you have started.
    Oh I could go on….I have been married far too long lol.

    • Oh, sister, we are on the same page! I use, “I’m going to pee,” to be gone for 15 minutes blogging or reading Twitter. Poor Jeff. He can’t trust hardly anything I say.

  6. Chuck knows that I am the de-clutterer of all time. I once gave away a $2,000 print because I thought it was ugly. It was one of the few things that he brought from his single days. I just thought it was f-ugly so I gave it away. Had no idea as to the cost. Not only does Chuck know, but wait until the kids know that you are giving their stuff away. She will ask me for something and then freak out when she realizes that I gave away her favorite piece of lint.

  7. Selfishly I hope the new honest Outlaw Mama is as funny as lying Outlaw Mama…she makes my day. I prefer “don’t ask don’t tell” to the outright lie…and it’s easier for him to not ask and me to not tell if things quietly show up in the closet or on my feet. And let’s face it, it’s a lot more cleansing to throw away someone else’s crap.

    • Oh delicious truth. Just because I will start telling him the truth doens’t mean I will blog the truth. I never have and never will. Ha! Thanks for the affirmation and comment. I love don’t ask/don’t tell.

  8. On the topic of cooking –

    Forget about eating it or not. It pisses me off if my husband adds salt and pepper before tasting it.

    Also, I recently cooked stir fry for a friend. With a sauce. I spent time, energy and effort preparing, tasting and perfecting that sauce! Okay, I’m sure it wasn’t perfect, but there was flavor. There was a sauce! What’s the first thing she says before even filling her plate? Do you have any soy sauce to go on top?

    Geez people! Taste it first!

    Okay, I’m done.

  9. YES to all of these!
    “Whatevs…I’m not really hungry.” and my most LYING LIE EVER:
    “Oh, you’re home already? I figured you’d be out for HOURS!” said all casually, even though I spent the entire time he WAS out getting mad in advance in anticipation of how long he would stay out.

  10. Pingback: 10 Lies I Tell Myself | Outlaw Mama

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