Bang! Bang! Goes My Forehead

My bangs are deep into week 2 of Occupy My Forehead so I am coming out of denial.  I have bangs now, so I better buck up and look on the bright side.  And, anytime I need some help with the bright side, I turn to Uncle Google.

But first, I have to let you know that I discovered why I had to get bangs last week.  (My therapist is out of town, so I am therapizing myself.)  I wrote a blog post about being shunned in 5th grade by some mean girls.  I hadn’t thought about that awful year in so long, but once I wrote about it, I couldn’t shake loose from my inner 5th grader.  Wanna see what she looked like:

5th Grade School Picture (Weeks before the incident)

5th Grade School Picture (Weeks before the incident)

I don’t think the bangs had anything to do with that day in the cafeteria.  Maybe that lime green frock we bought at a border town on the Rio Grande wasn’t helping, though.

Hmmmm, now I can only see my inner-5th grader when I look at my face hair:

Most recent bang crop.

Most recent bang crop.

As previously mentioned, last time I got bangs, I was newly postpartum. They were very NOT cute and it spurred me to institute my cardinal rule of NO BANGS.  That time I could blame everything on sleep deprivation.  This time? I got nothing.  Back then, my discerning 4-month old wasn’t a big fan of my bangs:

Sadie recoils in horror from my bangs

Sadie recoils in horror from my bangs. 2009

But, Uncle Google assured me that PUH-LENTY of brunettes are rocking bangs up and down the red carpet.  I look to them for hair-spiration.  And I only die a little when I see how great their hair looks, while I am stuck with these 3-inch bangs for the foreseeable future.

Why couldn’t it look like this?

I totally don't look like this, but I do have a red tank top I wear to bed in summer.

I totally don’t look like this, but I do have a red tank top I wear to bed in summer.

Fine, I am not as adorbs as Zooey, but what about her cast mate CeCe? Could I pull her bang style off?

All I am missing is flawless mocha skin, a perfect smile and symmetrical lips.  Other than that, doppelganger, right?

All I am missing is flawless mocha skin, a perfect smile and symmetrical lips. Other than that, total doppelganger, right?

Ok, fine, the cast of New Girl is out of my league. What about some B-listers? Plenty of them are stylish in their own way.  For example:

Nope, this isn't me either.

Nope, this isn’t me either. But, I do sing way better than she does.  Amateur.

I was running out of hope that Uncle G would come through, so I was excited when I saw that Jennifer L. Hewitt was not a stranger to the bang:

How's this hairdo for yoga with the preschool moms? Is the updo too much?

How’s this hairdo for yoga with the preschool moms? Is the updo too much?

But, I know that nothing about my hair or my lifestyle has anything to do with Hollywood.

On the other hand, it’s not this bad:

This is hard to look at.

This is hard to look at. Peggy, from Mad Men, with really bad bangs. I can say that because I have them too.

Or this bad:

This is the bright side I was looking for! Thanks Uncle Google. (Image credit: http://s

This is the bright side I was looking for! Thanks Uncle Google.

So there are people out there with worse bangs than mine, and people with better bangs.  I can live with that.  And I am willing to relieve and grow through the bangs part of 5th grade as long as I don’t have to relive the ostracism.  Plus, I can (and do) wear a hat everyday now.

Anyone got any growing-out-bangs tips?

PS: If you ask Uncle G to do a search on “man bangs,” be prepared for a pornographic onslaught that would make Bill Clinton blush.

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38 thoughts on “Bang! Bang! Goes My Forehead

  1. Sorry, dude, you’re busted. You couldn’t have been cuter in 5th grade and you’re damn cute right now. (If you want to talk about the 2009 do, however, I can commiserate ;-).) I’ve had those Peggy bangs and had no idea how bad they looked until I read this post. Do me a favor and call me out next time my hair looks like that – k?

    And, congrats on your Yeah Write win! Well done and well deserved!

  2. I went bangless in 7th grade and never looked back. There was the mortifying morning I walked into school with the pink foam roller in my bangs and didn’t notice until almost recess. WTF! Why didn’t anyone tell me! The roller and a can of hairspray is the only thing that prevented those hairs from going into corkscrew curls and well, that only works for Shirley Temple. A short forehead and curly hair means I will never EVER have bangs again. Any hairdresser that even mentions them gets a death stare and a farewell finger gesture.

    • I am with you, except I never left foam rollers in, though I sure wanted to. We have opposite hair, but same thing. NEVER AGAIN. I am reading this post before going to the hairdresser next time.

  3. I know why those girls were so mean… because you were super cute! 2009…I’ll give you that one but the recent pic is very stylish. Take off the hat and own your bangs like an A-list trend setter. I’m tempted to follow. When I need to take control of something I start with a new haircut. Haha…but it’s true.

  4. I would totally Rock the Frock! You were too cute and are too hard on your 5th grade self. What a pretty hair color! Bangs, well… I have no help because I have a very angry cowlick right in the middle. Great for rocking that early 90’s “swoop” but bad for anything else. My bangs have gone the way of the Unicorn Bandanas I wore in 5th grade…..

  5. I’ve had bangs off and on over the years (I’m a hair style changer upper) but the WORST bangs I ever had were bangs…I CUT MYSELF when I was 7 weeks post partum with my first child. I’m not kidding you. I was feeling stir crazy, sleep-deprived, and unattractive. I needed a change. (I guess a change for the worse counts as a change at times like that) It seemed reasonable to me in my state since I was going to have to wait 5 days to get in to my stylist. I guarantee you NOTHING was more horrible than those bangs. My hairdresser (who I waited 2 weeks to visit out of shame) almost passed out in horror. He made me SWEAR I’d never do anything like that again promising to always squeeze me in if I had the need for a complete hair makeover.

    When I am growing out bangs I also rely on bobby pins…but drying them to the side with a good hairdryer and some mousse is really helpful, too. Also, when they get just long enough—not long enough to tuck behind your ear, but longer than bangs that just look like they need a good trim, I generally get my hair cut pretty short and layered. The bangs just seem to blend in and you don’t even notice that they are growing back (the way you do if your other hair is longer or one length)

    My other advice is that, even though it’s possible to trim your own bangs nicely if you know how (holding the scissors vertically not horizontally), going from no bangs to bangs is a task best left to the professionals.

  6. You don’t want to borrow my solution to my bang problem in 6th grade: I permed those suckers and ended up looking like a poodle with a bad mullet.

    Most random comment in history: do you ever read the blog tomandlorenzo.com? It’s a fashion blog, which is not usually my thing, but for some reason I think you would find it as hilarious as I do. (I thought of it because they have recently posted about some of you be-banged friends up there. Well, not that last guy…shudder.)

  7. I absolutely ADORE your border town frock! You were such a brave little trendsetter to wear it. I think you need to unleash that 5th grade inner child. I like her.

  8. Your bangs do not look bad on the fifth grade you or the now you. Really.

    I know we graduated high school around the same time, back when “I’m with the band” hair was at the height of popularity (yes, I meant that crappy pun on purpose). Those were some ba-a-a-a-ad bangs.

  9. I’m totally fixated on your 5th grade photo. Damn, I never met anyone who has so many great photos from their childhood. You’re adorable! Always . . . then and now. Although, I do feel your pain — seems like too much effort to figure out how to style bangs. Celebrities have plenty of hair stylists to get theirs right every time. Love you.

  10. ohmygosh, what a cutie-patootie you were/are! Seriously, good move on sharing your pics because it can only help your following. I don’t know, I’ve told you before that I’ve slipped down the slippery bang-slope too. It’s just not a wise move. For me. All I can give you is: bobby pins. That’s all I got. Also? I can’t stop looking at the Peggy Bangs and seeing 8 creepy spider legs…..!

  11. I wrote a post last year about one of many incidents with my bangs (Grades 5 through 11). Yes, it took me that long to realize this was just not a good look for me. Like a previous commenter mentioned, a short forehead and curly hair does not lead to bangs bliss. OK, that sounded dirty…you know what I meant. My sister has those cute celebrity bangs and every once in awhile I’m tempted to try it again. Then I look at all those teenage pics and come to my senses. If it didn’t look good then, wrinkles and a slight double chin aren’t going to be an improvement.

    Yours really are not that bad! I like them, and I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it. I don’t have any growing-out tips; I think I pinned them back until they were manageable.

  12. I have rocked the bangs for years since a forehead surgery (melanoma.) Upside? Nobody sees the scar. Downside? Bangs.

    I’ll tell ya something you won’t like. Ladies over 35 look better with bangs. Because they just do, is why.

    Also? New Girl and Glee? Could we really be sisters and not know it?

  13. Pingback: Day 54 – A picture of your hair all done | Nizy's Life Compendium

  14. Pingback: Read here for a (blogging) good time! #pay it forward « Icescreammama

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