It’s Not That I Hate Halloween; It Hates Me

I am not sure how to write this post without coming off as a holiday hater. Nobody likes a holiday hater.  But, Halloween– it’s on my very last nerve. I, for one, cannot wait until November 1, my  new favorite day of the year.

Part of the issue is that we started celebrating Halloween in mid-September.  Our pumpkin rotted before the first leaves fell.  So, some of my distaste for Halloween is sheer fatigue.  We’ve costumed up the kids no less than 6 times this October, and I have about 718 photos to prove it.  I will spare you that.

But seriously, remember when Halloween was one stinking night?  When did it spawn into six weekend days scattered throughout the fall?

This pumpkin perfectly captures my Halloween spirit right about now. (Um, also, it's moldy because it was carved before the first Presidental debate.)

This pumpkin perfectly captures my Halloween spirit right about now. (Um, also, it’s moldy because it was carved before the first Presidental debate.)

And, I can’t really say I decorated the house, because a lone gourd and a plastic Halloween table cloth does not a decorated house make, but I am sick of staring at that shriveled up gourd, and the table cloth? I’m burning that tonight.

This morning, I actually felt a tiny flicker of Halloween love remaining in my cold, shriveled heart.  “It’s the 31st! We made it! If I can just get through today….”

Famous last words, people. Please carve them on my headstone. Or into the Jack-o-latern that you place on my grave every Halloween.

I should have known that Simon sleeping in until 6:05 AM was not necessarily a good omen, though it beats the candy corn outta hearing him bellow for me at 5:20 AM.  For her contribution to the morning, Sadie crawled in my bed around 6:30 AM, but fell back asleep.

It should have been perfect.  Except.  Except, she rolled over at 7:20 AM when I was furtively typing a blog post.  Ya’ll, she looked right into my eyes and said, “Mitt Romney.”

What the caramel-coated fudge did that child just say to me?

So I said, “What did you say, Sweetie?”  She repeated, lazily, “Mitt Romney.”

I hate to school my kids so early in the morning, but they bring it on themselves.  “Sadie, it’s customary to greet your mother with something less inflammatory.  How about ‘Good Morning,’ or ‘You never loved me’? Don’t come at me with ‘Mitt Romney’ before noon.”

But, I meditated for a few minutes and pulled myself together.  For the kids.

The middle part of the day was okay (because Simon was asleep and Sadie was at school), but before that everywhere we went store clerks (at the UPS Store, the grocery store, and the dry cleaners) gave my children handfuls of candy. Without asking me.  “Hello! Can you see me? I am the one holding the Benjamins that will pay your ass so don’t you dare give junior here a Charleston Chew.”

Have you ever tried to get a Whopper away from a toddler?  There were tears, there was rage, and there were bloody surrenders. (Mine. I am the one who surrendered.)

Then, the trick-or-treating.

I rallied, people, I really did.  I pulled out our entire costume array once again.  Both of my angels opted to wear costumes roughly 2 sizes too small, so Simon donned a Mickey Mouse get-up that was designed for a six-month old baby. I am pretty sure his junk was smushed up in that red plush long enough to have done long-term damage. (To his future wife: you may have to adopt.)  And Sadie? She decided she had to wear the pumpkin costume that was meant for an 18-month old.  The good news was that both kids waited until we stepped out the door to complain about how their costumes hurt.

Can I say one more thing about those costumes? Both ensembles required tights.  Do you know how slippery tights are? Both of my children fell off stools, and stairs, and chairs all night long.  My nerves are still clattering from the phantom sounds of my children’s heads hitting our hard wood floors.  Next year, we are either getting carpeting or banning tights.

I know I sound like a crank.  Frankly, I am.  I should probably just settle on the couch with Sadie’s stash and let the Laffy Taffy love the pain away.  And I will, as soon as I finish this post.  But, it’s not going to be with some fruity candy– I want the Mounds, the Reese’s, and the Butterfingers.  I’ve earned it.

So long, Halloween, don’t let the door hit you on the ass!

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56 thoughts on “It’s Not That I Hate Halloween; It Hates Me

  1. HA HA HA!! Your description of the tights is HILARIOUS!! I am so glad not to be alone in feeling the same way about this holiday. And also to know I am not the only surrounded by candy wrappers! 😉

  2. Not over yet up here….one more party Saturday night, but booze is involved, so it will be ok. Also? More fun when kids can walk up and down sidewalks without intervention / assistance and you wait at the curb:)

  3. The pumpkin pic has some zombie qualities to it, so my first thought when I saw it was, “That is a very trendy pumpkin carving!” Very funny post, and I’m with you on hating Halloween. I’m glad it is over.

  4. A certain relative has been teaching my son to chant “Mitt Romney.” I just want the election over with, and for my kid not to get beat up at school. In regards to Halloween, I’ll take it over Christmas any day. I get zero help with the decorating, shopping, wrapping, clean up, etc. By December 1, I’m already bitter and angry.

  5. I did have to take a Whopper away from a toddler last night, because she was trying to eat it with the wrapper still on. I’m sure the screaming could be heard a few streets away. Around 8 o’clock, she had a complete and final meltdown that culminated in her shrieking in her room for the next two hours straight, before collapsing into a sugar coma.

    Yeah, I’m glad it’s over.

  6. Hilarious post. I gave up on celebrating Halloween last night because we’d already done it eight million times. Mitt Romney!

  7. Love the pumpkin. Sometimes the rotten ones are really fun to leave out since they can be creepy, but it’s never good when you lift one and clouds of fruit flies lazily emerge. (Speaking from experience.) We had a lovely, less accident prone holiday, but I know what you mean about the candy. Candy everywhere! And we try to only eat sweets on the weekends, so explaining to my 4 and 2 year olds that the giant bag they just scored will be hiding in the pantry til Saturday…well, not the best conversation. Actually, they handled it mostly well. But I know I’ll ben answering that question and standing my ground for 36 more hours.

    Found you via Yeah Write!

  8. I don’t do the Halloween thing. But I still thought it was sweet when Grandguy #7 phoned me from California this morning and told me that he was going to send me a piece of his candy.

  9. I’m with you here being a person not particularly fond of Halloween (never was). It sort of brought out the ugly in everyone in my house. I’m a Whopper fiend so I understand when those are taken away and banana Laffy Taffy, my kids used to hide those from me. Good riddance, awful holiday (ok. that was a bit harsh. I like your ending better ;-))!

    • Sadie got a bunch of banana laffy taffy, which I have never tasted in my life. I am not going to start now. I was intrigued by the junior mints that aren’t mints, but caramel, but I am not going there either. Too dangerous. IT’s over! We survived!

  10. You know what the only upside to Sandy was? Having Halloween isolated to one night. All the other parties-in-advance were cancelled due to weather so last night ended up being the most fun Halloween in years.

  11. Oh my gawd I’ve never hated that holiday before, but whoooeee with the b.s.

    Terrible behavior from Monday’s full moon until 9pm last night. Toddler DRUNK on sleeplessness and candy was hilarious to watch, but I’m sure there’s permanent damage.

    All Halloween really made me do was resolve to only ever trick or treat near home, and NEVER do one of those destination neighborhoods where everything is clever and decorated and PACKED WITH HUMANITY.

    • I know, I used to love it– last year it was so fun. But now….it’s just nuts and there was too much BS. My poor kids are obsessed with lollipops and crap. I know it’s my fault, but I am blaming halloween.

  12. I banned tights in my house after struggling to get a 3 month old into them once. Never again. My girls want/need tights – they have to be able to get them on by themselves. Wicked psuedo-clothing that they are!

    As far as Halloween goes – I love it. You will soon learn that you don’t pull out costumes until 2 weeks before and you carve within 72 hrs. those things rot liek crazy – nasty! I did get the styrofoam pumpkins one year. It wasn’t the same and my kids revolted so the peace treaty says we carve but i pick the date and no big knives for kids!

    And now onto the next holiday… 🙂

  13. Our youngest has his birthday on the 27th. Poor guy, he hardly ever gets a proper party with how crazy things get this time of year. I think the few days before Halloween are almost like Christmas. “But seriously, remember when Halloween was one stinking night?” I think this lots and another thought is remember when we all made our costumes or threw something together? I tried to do a mother/daughter bonding a year or so ago and make her costume. Never again. She didn’t think it looked professional enough. That makes me sad.

  14. I have been feeling like this about Christmas the last few years. And, guess what??? It’s already coming, as next to the Halloween costumes, I saw Christmas decorations. Let’s chuck both of those holidays and just eat lots of Thanksgiving turkey 🙂

  15. I’ve never much cared for Halloween. Never wanted to dress up. My sister is over the friggin’ top for this ghoulish day. She thinks it ought to be a national holiday. Fortunately she’s the one with a daughter. If I had kids, wow, I’d really need to rally like you did, and good for you! I love the “costumed up” the kids. And the sotto voce Mitt Romney is hilarious. Funny, funny post. I enjoy your writing.

  16. I freaking love your writing….and we have much in common. I almost thought of putting my Pilgrims on the table today….as I didn’t even get a damn pumpkin for Halloween….but I was too lazy to go to the attic and get em. Since I have teenagers, shouldn’t I get a pass to forgo the entire decoration thing anyway? I never really liked it anyway.

  17. I convinced myself that my kids would totally hate Baby Ruth and Butterfingers, so I secretly confiscated for their own benefit. Right?

  18. After reading this, I’ve decided any holiday will get you if you have to live with it for a month and a half. I have turned into an absolute Grinch about Christmas, and it’s all about the fatigue. Bubbles of hate just start to flow when I think about the decorations that came out *before Halloween* in stores.

    I love love Halloween, but I would hate it too if it started in September. I didn’t start thinking about it until two weeks before, and that’s even with homemade costumes and massive cooking.

    You have taught me something very important.

  19. Pingback: Hey, Time Change, Here’s Two Middle Fingers For You | Outlaw Mama

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