Tuesday, November 6, 2012, 8:10 PM
My house is quiet, save for Simon softly singing Happy Birthday to himself, and most of the country is watching the election results. I can see my neighbors’ faces glowing from the light of their TVs, where talking heads and a crawls at the bottom of the screen will illuminate them for hours. (It’s not being nosy if they leave their drapes wide open.)
Me? Not without Tim Russert. I can’t do it. It’s too soon. I can’t watch a national election without his large head, that white board and his everyman’s intensity.
I understand the electoral college, not because of my 80 gajillion years of schooling, but because of Mr. Russert.
So, I’m not watching. I am sequestered in my bedroom without TV or radio. (It’s bad feng shui to have those in your bedroom, and frankly, my sex life has enough strikes against it.)
I will fall asleep before I know who the next President is or whether there will be recount mayhem like years gone by.
As a pessimist my nature, I have made a list of all the things I will do and refrain from doing if my candidate loses. I am not going to tell you my party affiliation, because that’s so confessional, and you know I don’t do that. It’s one thing to tell you every slight I ever endured (being called fat by the director of the Boston Ballet or being shunned by a table of 5th grade girls), it’s another to bring my donkey or my elephant out of the closet.
So, without further ado:
If My Candidate Loses Tonight:
- I will be sure not to get raped in the next four years. (Feel free to remind me of this in case I forget and accidentally get raped and, God forbid, get pregnant. Because then I will have to move to Mexico, a much more civilized nation.)
- I will invest all the money I save on wedding gifts that I won’t have to buy for my gay friends who won’t be allowed to get married. (See? Who said I was pessimistic? I am wearing optimism like a second skin here, people.)
- I will not be moving forward with my application to work for FEMA.
- I will become
bitter and lose all hoperedouble my efforts at ensuring I am raising two little children who will grow up to think independently– except when it comes to voting, in which case, they must vote as I tell them to.
- I will burn my books that talk about evolution, since this country will probably outlaw such radical, leftist ideas.
- I will distance myself from friends who are taking advantage of our current healthcare system, because when it disappears, they will probably die in their homes. (I hate messy goodbyes.)
- I will not promise my children they will be able to watch Sesame Street when Mommy needs some time to
read her Twitter feedmeditate.
- I will not encourage my children to enjoy music or the arts, since they probably won’t get those programs in school anymore.
Gosh, maybe I am not a pessimist at all. Look at all the new adventures that may be coming my way.
Here’s to the new era, whatever it may bring!