If My Candidate Loses The Election . . .

Tuesday, November 6, 2012, 8:10 PM

My house is quiet, save for Simon softly singing Happy Birthday to himself, and most of the country is watching the election results. I can see my neighbors’ faces glowing from the light of their TVs, where talking heads and a crawls at the bottom of the screen will illuminate them for hours. (It’s not being nosy if they leave their drapes wide open.)

Me? Not without Tim Russert.  I can’t do it. It’s too soon.  I can’t watch a national election without his large head, that white board and his everyman’s intensity.

Election night without this guy? Hell. To. The No. (image credit: springstein remembers russert)

Election night without this guy? Hell. To. The No. (image credit: springstein remembers russert)

I understand the electoral college, not because of my 80 gajillion years of schooling, but because of Mr. Russert.

So, I’m not watching. I am sequestered in my bedroom without TV or radio. (It’s bad feng shui to have those in your bedroom, and frankly, my sex life has enough strikes against it.)

I will fall asleep before I know who the next President is or whether there will be recount mayhem like years gone by.

As a pessimist my nature, I have made a list of all the things I will do and refrain from doing if my candidate loses. I am not going to tell you my party affiliation, because that’s so confessional, and you know I don’t do that.  It’s one thing to tell you every slight I ever endured (being called fat by the director of the Boston Ballet or being shunned by a table of 5th grade girls), it’s another to bring my donkey or my elephant out of the closet.

So, without further ado:

If My Candidate Loses Tonight:

  • I will be sure not to get raped in the next four years.  (Feel free to remind me of this in case I forget and accidentally get raped and, God forbid, get pregnant.  Because then I will have to move to Mexico, a much more civilized nation.)
  • I will invest all the money I save on wedding gifts that I won’t have to buy for my gay friends who won’t be allowed to get married.  (See? Who said I was pessimistic? I am wearing optimism like a second skin here, people.)
  • I will not be moving forward with my application to work for FEMA.
  • I will become bitter and lose all hope redouble my efforts at ensuring I am raising two little children who will grow up to think independently– except when it comes to voting, in which case, they must vote as I tell them to.
  • I will burn my books that talk about evolution, since this country will probably outlaw such radical, leftist ideas.
  • I will distance myself from friends who are taking advantage of our current healthcare system, because when it disappears, they will probably die in their homes.  (I hate messy goodbyes.)
  • I will not promise my children they will be able to watch Sesame Street when Mommy needs some time to read her Twitter feed meditate.
  • I will not encourage my children to enjoy music or the arts, since they probably won’t get those programs in school anymore.

Gosh, maybe I am not a pessimist at all.  Look at all the new adventures that may be coming my way.

Here’s to the new era, whatever it may bring!

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40 thoughts on “If My Candidate Loses The Election . . .

  1. Never a big Russert fan, but still, I take your point. I never knew how much I didn’t understand the whole Electoral College crap until I had to explain it to my kids. I faked my way through it, basically, mostly by asking if anyone wanted more Halloween candy. In parent-land, as you know, offers of sugar are the equivalent of a punt.
    Sorry about the whole buying-wedding-presents-for-gay-marrying-friends. Maybe you could just buy some big white platters from Ikea, in bulk? Get a discount that way?

    • Unfortunately, with these weddings going forward, I am going to be out a mint because my gay friends are faboosh and have registered at Sur LaTable. They ain’t cheap!

      • What the heck is Sur LaTable? Just another thing we don’t have in the buckle of the bible belt in the land of the red. So if I voted for the right candidate, do you think we might could get one of those and maybe a Costco?

        Truly, I voted for the guy that won last night. It was probably one of the hardest things I’ve done. I was scared to death the alarm system in the voter booth was going to go off and people were going to start pointing and screaming at me like on Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I’m afraid I’ll get fired if work finds out. But hey, it’s totally worth it if we can get a Costco.

      • I have a meeting with policy advisors to the President to discuss Costco in your county. As for Sur La Table, we are going to have to push. Hard. Check it out. It’s like Williams Sonoma on crack.

  2. Damn, I miss Tim Russert, too! Good thing your worst case scenario will not come to fruition- at least for today!

  3. Love the post! I think everyone in the UK is happy with the win–they played Simon & Garfunkle’s, “America” on the radio and said welcome back Mr. President. How many American’s know the Prime Minister’s name here and would we put a front page dedicated to that Prime Minister if they won? 🙂
    Anyway, on the radio on Sunday, they were asking an American journalist based here what was up with the Electoral College because it makes absolutely no sense to them–they said they’ve been doing a few more hundred years and a majority win seems to work well. 🙂 Also, they said for a country that wanted to gain its independence from England and get away from religion in government we certainly talk about God and religion in our government and politics constantly. Just a bit of what the another country is thinking…

    • Fascinating! Especially the religion part. Do you speak with an accent like Madonna does?

      And I know your PM is not Thatcher or Blair…. Hmmmm. Chris Martin? Shit. I should know that.

  4. Love it! I miss Tim, too. 😦 Tim could do with a whiteboard, what the others can’t do with their expensive touch screens. (Don’t even get me started about MTP. That was must see TV for me once upon a time but I cannot stomach it with David Gregory.)

    Glad you made sure to hide your political affiliation. 😉 (and WHOO HOO for election 2012!!) –Lisa

  5. Well, I slept better knowing Obama won….and I’m Canadian. Anything to tick off Trump! We’ve had right wing minority governments here for awhile now, but our right wing government isn’t that different from the American left. Sure, we have some crazies but nearly as many and they are kept as quiet as possible on the back benches.

  6. It would appear your candidate won. Yay! (Mine too, even though, like Clio, I’m Canadian. He’s a man of the people.) That said, it would probably still be a good idea to try not to get raped. ‘Cause, ya know. That would just suck.

  7. There were a lot of happy people on my Facebook this morning, and I’m Canadian. I have American friends too, but yeah, the Canadians I know were pretty thrilled (myself included).

  8. You’re brilliant! And even when you’re fried like an egg you’re damn funny! I miss Tim Russert also and am happy to hear you won’t be distancing yourself from me and my healthcare choices. At least for four more years.

  9. Every now and then it hits me (and I tweet it!) that I simply miss Tim Russert. I have nothing against David Gregory; I rather like him. But my Sundays have not been the same since losing Tim. I think about how much he would have enjoyed Obama’s first election, how much he would have had to say about Romney during this one. I think about his passion, his patience, his fairness, his smarts, his way of explaining that made you feel like you didn’t need more degrees to get it. I just miss him. That’s all.

  10. I only watched some of the results (for my husband it’s like the Super Bowl, World Series, and the Emmy’s all rolled into one) and went to bed once there was a big lull in calling states (attention span of. a. flea.) so when I checked Facebook in the morning I was confused to see see all the posts about Dianne Sawyer. My husband found a montage on YouTube. Sloshed to the gills does not even begin to cover it. It’s hysterical.

  11. Pingback: Lessons Learned (Vol. Five) | ateachablemom

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