I only do it when I am alone. It’s best if no one else is even home. Once I did it while my husband was working nearby, but he almost looked over my shoulder when I was engrossed in a site, and I haven’t been able to do it since then with anyone around.
I have gone as far as erasing my “search” history. If there’s no evidence, then I never did it right?
It’s not that it’s shameful. I mean, it’s 2012, and I don’t have to be ashamed of anything I am doing on the computer. It’s not like it’s illegal.
The truth is that it excites me. I sit up taller as I imagine myself in some of those positions. And oh! the positions: some seem almost possible, some seem like I could jump up and do them right away, and some seem like such a reach that I find myself thinking, “who do I think I am?”
There is fear too. Not just of getting caught, but of having to explain what exactly I was looking for and why. I am also afraid of finding out about new possibilities that I never knew existed and wanting them.
What if I want something that I can’t have? What if my searches awaken in me something that would require a lot of work or heartbreak or expense? What if my husband doesn’t approve?
But, I do it. There are plenty of free sites, but I also have passwords to some of the more reputable sites. I browse through them all as a lurker. I am not serious about it yet, but someday I might be. I will be ready someday.
For now, I browse and dream and fantasize about those positions I see on my screen– wondering if any of them will fit me, this me that keeps changes into someone stronger, more flexible, more creative and passionate everyday.
One day, I will find the perfect position for me, and maybe it will be something I first saw on-line. For now, it’s enough to look in the privacy of my own home, casually and without the frenzy of a commitment.
But for now, I am only admitting that I look at job websites on-line and dreaming about my future.
I call it Job Porn.