Positions I See On the Internet Excite Me

I only do it when I am alone.  It’s best if no one else is even home.  Once I did it while my husband was working nearby, but he almost looked over my shoulder when I was engrossed in a site, and I haven’t been able to do it since then with anyone around.

I have gone as far as erasing my “search” history.  If there’s no evidence, then I never did it right?

It’s not that it’s shameful. I mean, it’s 2012, and I don’t have to be ashamed of anything I am doing on the computer.  It’s not like it’s illegal.

The truth is that it excites me. I sit up taller as I imagine myself in some of those positions.  And oh! the positions: some seem almost possible, some seem like I could jump up and do them right away, and some seem like such a reach that I find myself thinking, “who do I think I am?”

There is fear too.  Not just of getting caught, but of having to explain what exactly I was looking for and why.  I am also afraid of finding out about new possibilities that I never knew existed and wanting them.

What if I want something that I can’t have? What if my searches awaken in me something that would require a lot of work or heartbreak or expense?  What if my husband doesn’t approve?

But, I do it.  There are plenty of free sites, but I also have passwords to some of the more reputable sites. I browse through them all as a lurker.  I am not serious about it yet, but someday I might be. I will be ready someday.

For now, I browse and dream and fantasize about those positions I see on my screen– wondering if any of them will fit me, this me that keeps changes into someone stronger, more flexible, more creative and passionate everyday.

One day, I will find the perfect position for me, and maybe it will be something I first saw on-line.  For now, it’s enough to look in the privacy of my own home, casually and without the frenzy of a commitment.

But for now, I am only admitting that I look at job websites on-line and dreaming about my future.

I call it Job Porn.

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40 thoughts on “Positions I See On the Internet Excite Me

  1. Um, yes, I do this all the time. I have a job I like, and I spend a great deal of time thinking about all the other jobs I want/could possibly do/know exist/assume are better than mine. I think it might be human nature to always wonder about what we don’t have. Kind of a grass is always greener situation.

  2. I do this constantly. And apply for them, too. I’ve been the second-runner up for three positions that I’d have been fantastic doing. Grrr… It’s why I wrote the post I wrote for today. I’m job searching secretly and have been for 15 months and I’m getting tired of being the second choice.

    But, yes, I see all sorts of jobs everywhere that I’d kick-ass doing, if only I could get someone to look at me…

  3. Hilarious. I am doing this too. I look at jobs I am not remotely qualified for and think “five years experience with FDA regulations – surely they would settle for none” “JD-MD required, I watched almost every episode of House”. I am delusional.

  4. Aside from the obvious, I thought this would end up being about yoga or Pilates or some such. . .you know, you secretly wishing you could get your heels all the way to the floor in downward-facing-dog but being ashamed to admit it; I know I am! Well done as usual.

  5. Mama,
    You already have the biggest, grandest, most challenging and important job on earth. Parenting the next generation is the real Job 1.
    I am totally grateful to have had the opportunity to be that and do that for 3 fine young men. It has enriched my life more than any job I have done for fame or fortune.

    My hope for you is to be able to find that feeling inside you.

  6. this is hilarious. I kept thinking you meant yoga, but a few phrases here and there said, “no.”

    And I had NO idea about this kind of porn. Never occurred to me. I always think that looking means committing to ask to do it and and asking means promising to accept if an offer is made.

    I’m so uptight I forgot you could look without doing anything about it.

    Yay for my new hobby! 😉

  7. I like porn because it makes me feel good. Wait, job porn. I meant job porn. As I’m currently (semi-seriously) looking for a new position, the jobs I find online make me imagine myself in them. I see myself dressed, at a desk in an office, not a dusty cubicle. I see myself confident and important. I look at the benefits and mmmm talk dirty to me about healthcare, baby. What? Metro accessible? Yes, yes, give it to me good.

    I also wonder why no one’s calling. I AM A WONDERFUL PERSON! Just give me the job already.

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