10-ish Signs I Am Losing It Completely

We are not even in the holiday crunch time, and I am already fried to a crisp.  I cannot pinpoint the exact day that I lost my mind, but the evidence all around me suggests it’s long gone.  My mind is somewhere drinking a fruity drink adorned with a swizzle stick, while sitting next to Elvis and Donald Trump’s original hair piece.

I shudder when I think about how flaky I will be once the holidays hit, and I am staring down a cross-country flight with the junior members of my household, AND Costco will be crowded TWENTY FOUR SEVEN.  Oh, god, it’s gonna suck.

The good news is that maybe because I have already lost my mind, I won’t have the wherewithal to care. In fact, I probably won’t.

Don’t believe me that I am cracking up?  I have proof.  I am not so far gone that I am unable to blog about my beloved-and-now-departed good sense.

Here are the 10 signs that I have lost my ever-living mind:

  1. Toy Tampons:  It was a low point when I realized that I had let Simon play with a box of tampons so I could take a shower.  On the plus side, they were unopened, so there were no sanitary breaches.  Also, I had gotten extra when they were on sale two for one so the fact that he opened and ruined a few was not as tragic as you might think.  My main defense: don’t call your company Playtex if you don’t want me to have my children play with them.

    Watcha playing with, kiddo? Feminine hygeine products? That's cool.

    Watcha playing with, kiddo? Feminine hygeine products? That’s cool.

  2. Homecooking:  Wait, here’s another low point.  I decided that I would make us all a home-cooked meal.  So, naturally I heated up a Trader Joe’s chicken burrito.  But, I didn’t want to appear to be “phoning it in,” so I also made a pizza by spreading some tomato sauce on a pita and melting cheese on it. I had the nerve to call it “International Cuisine Night” at my house.

    International Cuisine Night at Chez Outlaw Mama

    International Cuisine Night at Chez Outlaw Mama

  3. My hair: Despite the Cindy Brady-esque bangs that I have right now, I  nevertheless have thought they looked “decent” on the two occasions I have taken off my do-rag long enough to see them.  I’m not taking a picture of them, but trust me, these bangs are a lot of things, but they are not decent, I am simply loco.
  4. Costco: I have forsaken my beloved Costco on 2 (not 1, but TWO) family outings.  I heard myself say to Jeff, “You guys go ahead without me,” and I should have known something was gravely amiss.  Skipping a Costco trip means only one thing: someone needs to up her medication because she’s not right in the head.
  5. Halloween Candy:  Sadie’s purple plastic Halloween pumpkin sits on our counter with her dwindling candy supply.  We are down to the fruity Tootsie Rolls (a travesty if you ask me) and the Smarties.  I finally dipped into her stash to eat a DumDum lollipop after  bragging for weeks on Twitter that I hadn’t touched her candy.  Excuse me, what dumbass forgoes Snickers, Reese’s, and Twix and decides to give in to the temptation for a stupid blueberry lollipop?  A Woman Who’s Lost Her Mind, that’s who.
  6. Music: The other day I went on a run and I was 15 minutes into it before I realized I was listening to my kids’ music.  My endorphins were queued up and ready to kick in, and I found myself humming along to “B-I-N-G-O.”  I stopped on the sidewalk and wept for the 15 minutes of adult, cardio-friendly music that I could have enjoyed.  Then, I stopped in a church and lit a candle for the three songs I would have listened to but for my total lapse in sanity: (1) Michael Jackson’s The Way You Make Me Feel, (2) Erasure’s Give A Little Respect, and (3) Milli Vanilli’s Girl You Know It’s True.
  7. Shopping:  Three times I have gotten that urgent email from the Gap about how I can get 400% off my entire purchase by midnight.  Each time, I tell myself that I will do some early Christmas shopping for myself my loved ones and take advantage of the deal.  I even put items in my cart.  But then, POOF! I just forget to finish the purchase.  Do you know how impossible it is for me to “forget” to finish shopping? It’s unheard of.  I finalized purchases within 15  minutes of a C-section (on two occasions).  I don’t even know myself anymore.  This one’s going to hurt when I have to buy those “boyfriend cords” full price in a few weeks.
  8. Make-up: I’m from Texas and was raised to believe that lip gloss and powder are as essential to life as oxygen (the gas, not the network) and water.  I have watched my Estee Lauder powder dwindle down to about 3 flakes.  For weeks, I tried to remind myself to order it on Amazon or run over to Macy’s to get it. Have I? No.  Now, I have nothing but an empty container and an Estee Lauder powder puff to keep me company.  This is very, very bad.  Who is so busy she can’t order her everyday powder? I’m sorry, Texas. I swear I am better than this.

Well, that’s it. I said 10ish.  8 is in the ballpark.  Someday, I will tell you about the comb I let Simon play with while I took a shower and where he stuck it when I had soap in my eyes.  It’s more proof, but I have to get treatment for my PTSD before discussing it with you on the Interwebs.  I could also mention the ill effects of my dried apricot addiction, but you know what? It’s late and that story is gross.

Let’s call it a night while we are all still friends.


29 thoughts on “10-ish Signs I Am Losing It Completely

  1. Once again I find I have done many of the things you mentioned, although I drew the line when Sass started playing with the condoms. I’m not sure that should make you feel better given my general craziness.

  2. I could have written this myself. Some sage advice my mother always gave me: “if you are aware that you are losing your mind, you’re not.” We’re all good 🙂

  3. I am laughing so hard. I think international cuisine night is my favorite! My husband is in Vegas, and my little one is sick, so dinner time planning was not that high on my list of priorities tonight. I poured my kids bowls of chocolate Cheerios for dinner bc breakfast for dinner is so fun, right? At that exact moment, wouldn’t you know it but my friend who could put Martha to shame stops by to drop something off and here I am basically serving chocolate milk for dinner. Mom of the year!

    • Damn! I hate it when I get busted. Sometimes my husband comes home early from traveling and I am serving up string cheese and stale crackers. “Hi, Honey, didn’t expect you so early!”

      Unrelated: They have chocolate Cheerios? I had no idea. Must. Get. Some.

  4. I completely get the bangs thing. I wear a hairnet all day long so mornings I brush it into a pony and ignore the bangs that are sticking straight up in the air. Friday night I actually looked in the mirror long enough to decide I seriously needed to exfoliate and tweeze.

    • Since my third year of law school, it’s been a staple. I won’t say how many times I eat it per week, but it’s probably more than anyone would guess. When I get fancy, I put some sun-dried tomatoes on there and act like the freaking Queen of France.

  5. International cuisine night had me laughing too! That and Milli Vanilli….seriously??

    My husband is away as well (in Chicago actually), but we didn’t have chocolate cheerios. Damn, those do sound good! Being gluten free sucks.

    • Oh, lord, I am sort of jealous you are gluten free. It just takes so much temptation off the plate. Like those bagels I ate this morning at my sister’s house. I am sure that wasn’t my best choice, but they were just sitting there. My running mixes are eclectic or psychotic, depending on how you look at it.

  6. Me thinks your standards are too high – anything can be called a toy if it gets me a shower (Rhys was particularly fond of tampons and liners) and pita pizza is the definition of a home-cooked meal in my house. I’m rooting for massages all around!

  7. I willingly let all four of my children disappear upstairs for an hour and a half so I could get some stuff done ’round the house. An hour and a half. Do you have any idea what unsupervised children can do in that length of time? Let’s just say that it didn’t surprise me at all to find the telephone in the dollhouse and diapers (clean, thank goodness) under my pillow…

  8. You can send me the smarties AND the tootsie frooties! And I totally keep doing the forgetting to finish shopping thing (and yes, it was with Gap!). I so wanted those ponte pants for my daughter too. Stupid memory.

  9. Pingback: Hair of the Dogs

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