There’s A Scooter In the Wine Aisle: Why You Should Avoid Whole Foods This Week

Oh, heavenly congealed cranberry sauce stuck in a corrugated can, guess where I made the mistake of going 3 days before Thanksgiving?  The worst place ever:

Whole Foods.

Innocently, I strolled into a Whole Foods located across the street from the law school where I mold young legal scholars’ minds. I wanted some lunch, and I had that $60.00 just burning a hole in my pocket, which was just enough for a (small) Whole Foods lunch.  I thought, “What the hey! I’ll go get a salad with 87 different ingredients because, you know, I’m worth it.”

The minute I stepped inside I could tell something was amiss.  First, there were no carts.  It was 1:30 p.m. on a Monday. Where the free-range fudge were the carts?  Once I rounded the corner, I saw them.  They were all being pushed by the most psychotic of holiday shoppers.

It will take a long time to forget the women I saw going to second base with the sweet potatoes.  Trying to find the perfect root?  This lady was going to any lengths, and I am telling you, it was X-rated.

The produce section was mobbed, but I soldiered on, hoping for a few pockets of breathing room over by the prepared foods.

Ha!

The grumpiest people I have ever seen were scattered among every aisle.  An elderly couple squabbled over dinner rolls; a hipster dude lost his shizz over by the fish counter.  My favorite part was the Brazilian woman who allowed her minor child (approximately 8 years old) to ride her scooter at full speed in the alcohol section.  (I know she was Brazilian because she had fake boobs and a thick accent.  Trust me. She was Brazilian.)

I got my salad after tussling with other shoppers who didn’t appreciate that I put my backpack and water bottle in a cart so my spine wouldn’t spontaneously snap from their weight.  Yes, my cart was blocking fully 45% of the salad bar at all times, but did anyone really want to get at that edamame salad or the “detox” salad?

The cashier, whose name was allegedly Bibi, could not have been nicer. I appreciated her cheery greeting and 7 discreet inquiries about whether or not I wanted a bag.  (“Yes, Bibi, I want a bag. It’s where I am going to stuff my carbon footprint when this is all over.” Is there anything more shameful that admitting you want a bag at Whole Foods?)

So, I vow to you that I am not stepping foot into Whole Foods, or any other grocery store, until the Thanksgiving super storm passes.  I can’t take the crowds, the sexual energy in the produce section or the intra-family tensions.

And the scooters– I can’t take the scooters.

Please be careful out there, this is no time to be a hero.

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32 thoughts on “There’s A Scooter In the Wine Aisle: Why You Should Avoid Whole Foods This Week

  1. hehehe oh dear god i HATE any kind of store all year round but right before a holiday?? thankfully my DH does all the shopping cuz i, or someone else, would be dead by now if i had to put up with it.

  2. Hahaha! “The sexual energy in the produce aisle.” Hilarious! I made the mistake of going shopping yesterday. I was going to go Sunday, but then I thought it would be too crowded and figured Monday afternoon would be a nice, non-busy time. How very, very wrong I was.

    • I always feel like I have to apologize and explain: My computer is taking up so much room and I have my sweaty gym clothes in the other pouch, which would be disgusting to have food next to. Please forgive me and get me a damn bag!

  3. The cashiers at Whole Foods give you such looks of shame when you want a bag, I’m surprised they even HAVE bags. Like, why not just make all of us eco-hating consumers carry all our purchases to our cars as punishment for even making such a blasphemous request. Thank god we go to my parents for Thanksgiving, and I don’t have to set foot anywhere near a grocery store until Monday.

  4. You know what I love most about your blog, Christie? You make me feel sane and that is a hard thing to do. 🙂 I felt the same way this weekend at the store and in my commute home yesterday. I am thankful for your true genius for writing and your ability to always make me laugh. Love it.

  5. Crap! I have procrastinated and have to go to the grocery store but at least it’s not Costco! Loved your Brazilians and scooters. And it drives me nuts when I feel shamed for wanting a bag there. I do but I’ll take paper because that’s better, right? Hey, Jewel doesn’t ask! Ok. I’m off to find myself some “hot” sweet potatoes. Might just be the best feel I get all day. LOVED THIS!

  6. Wow I am glad you knew she was Brazilian for attributes other than her waxing practices! As much as I love the idea of Whole Foods, I really only can muster up my dred-locked vegan-sandaled energy to get there about 4 times a year. Luckily my MIL pre-ordered our portlandia certified free range weed-smokin turkey which we can pick up at the local cooking school. Thanks for reminding me to be thankful for not having to grocery shop this week!

  7. BWAHahahahaha! Oh, what were you thinking?? I only went to Whole Foods once without my own (reusable) bags. I was so shamed by the experience I felt like the dark spot on my organic banana.

  8. So you are actually expecting us (and by us, I mean me) to believe that you did not kick the back wheel of that scooter just for fun? Pity. I, alas, am heading out tonight. I don’t have $60 for a salad, though (or $.05/bag), so I’ll be carting my reusable bags to Safeway.

  9. You could rewrite this post for Trader Joe’s and Mariano’s Grocers and offer it as a public service announcement. I was in both stores yesterday and had the same experience, down to the scooters in the aisle at Trader Joe’s! Thankfully, the mom was carrying her two kids’ scooters cause they couldn’t resist riding them in tune to the x-mas tunes. Note to self – no scooters allowed in grocery stores, unless I’m the one doing the riding. Meet you at Whole Foods on Friday?

  10. Love how you determined that woman was Brazilian – awesome! I try to stay away from all grocery stores for several days before any holiday or long weekend as a general rule.

  11. What I want to know is why my mother, who was a very normal woman until she turned 70 a few days ago, suddenly thinks she is the ONLY FREAKING PERSON in Walmart. We walk through the door and she stops, fumbling for her reading glasses with a horde of Turkey day shoppers muttering curses behind her. Then she drives her cart at a snail’s pace down the middle of each aise, blocking both directions!! I’m handing out apologies like candy, and mentally guaging whether I could take each person who gives me a dirty look.

    When my mother finally remarks that these are the meanest, rudest shoppers she’s ever seen I sweetly ask her if she thinks it could be her shopping behavior. She looks at me like I’ve lost my mind.

    And I mentally resolve not to shop with her ever again without a valid prescription of Xanax or at least a few glasses of wine.

    You gotta love the holidays.

  12. WHAT??! I missed a post with WINE in the title? I’d buy you a glass but I know you don’t drink it. So, how about a latte? My Whole Foods has no wine. It’s NJ. Another reason to miss CA…

    I’m avoiding all stores until January. I can’t take the crowds!

  13. I haven’t had a ridiculously expensive prepared meal from Whole Foods in so long and now you’ve made me want one. And a vegan molasses cookie to go with it. Hope if you want a salad this week it’s easier to get one.

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