Guest Post: Outlaw Mama’s Therapist Speaks

Ya’ll, here’s my first ever guest post, and it’s from my therapist.  OH MY GOD, what will he say about me? Aren’t there laws prohibiting this? HIPAA anyone?

Let’s just sort that out later in a court of law.  For now, enjoy my first ever guest post from my very own Sigmund Freud.

* * *

Under Analysis

Outlaw Mama in her 1950’s pumps digs deep with her therapist. (Image credit: http://www.styleture.com/2011/05/25)

Dear Readers of Outlaw Mama’s Blog,

As I write this post, I am listening to the holiday mix that “Outlaw Mama” (hereinafter “OM”)gave me on the fourth night of Hanukkah.  I am enjoying the peppy beat of Chumbawamba.

OM wanted me to write this post to set the record straight about. . . about… something. Crap, I can’t remember what.  Hell, I don’t listen to everything she says. Good lord, who could?  You guys have the option of not reading her posts or stopping half way through.  Me? I’m stuck in a room with her for over an hour. Twice a week. Can you blame me for tuning her out?

I assume she wanted me to attest to her mental health, and on that subject, I am pleading the Fifth.  A lot of things come to mind when I think of OM, but frankly, mental health isn’t one of them.  On the upside, she’s a therapist’s dream because she’s got a lot of issues.  Not as many as she thinks she has, but enough for me to keep up my second home, so I’m not complaining.

It would be wrong for me to show up on her blog and diss her for all the world to read. She’s actually a great patient, and not just because she pays on time and does most of the talking. (I am 60% deaf in both ears so I’ve only ever heard every 4th word she says, and that’s plenty, believe me.)

She daily often sends me links to her blog posts, and I would never admit it to her, but I read them all.  It’s hard to get past all of her spelling and grammatical errors.  Anyone else distracted by those?  Maybe every now and then one of you should remind her of the virtues of a rigorous proofread.  Then again, what do I know? I’m just a Yale graduate (BA/BS degrees in linguistics and chemistry, summa cum laude) and University of Chicago Medical School graduate (in just 3 years, top honors and chief resident), so what do I know?

Don’t you love that she’s such a shit talker?  You guys must know that as well as I do. I love that about her, even if her language can be embarrassingly crude sometimes.  You didn’t know her in 2002, but she was in a phase where she called everyone a “pervy wanker.”  That got annoying.

Anyway, I would be remiss if I didn’t take this opportunity to thank all of you for listening to her and giving her some damn good advice.  Each of you has made my job infinitely easier.  Please do me the favor of keeping up the good work, because, as she has mentioned, I am entering my twilight professionally, and will be taking more and more vacations, which isn’t sitting well with our OM.  But, a man must reap the rewards of a long and happy career.  She’ll need all of you to fall back on during the lapses in her therapeutic treatment.  I would share my fee with all of you, but it’s all tied up in my Cayman accounts.

Best of luck to all of you in your endeavors.  Keep reading OM– you’re changing her life for the better.  While I hate sharing the credit for making her life happy and rewarding, I know that I must.  You have all done something I never could do– turned on the lights for her and ignited her passion.  Don’t tell her I said that– she thinks I did it.  We know the truth.  Let’s keep it between us.

Sincerely,

OM’s Therapist

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45 thoughts on “Guest Post: Outlaw Mama’s Therapist Speaks

  1. So so funny! I want a hip therapist like yours. Heck, I’d take an unhip therapist. Here in Texas we just stuff our emotions and other shit way down deep.

  2. Why did “pervy wanker” ever fall out of fashion?

    And, thank you for the humor — I’m having a Chumbawumba kind of day today…

  3. Great idea, Mama. But he still sounds so much like you. Maybe the book thing is stuck with all characters sounding alike. Just sayin’.
    Loved it anyway. Keep up the great work!

  4. Blogging is so therapeutic. We can air all of our issues to our cyber-friends.
    My therapist retired and I can’t find a decent replacement. I couldn’t convince her to sort of semi-retire with me as her only client.

  5. Awesome post. And yes, I was convinced it was you because it sounded like you. Which is good when you want us to eventually pick up on the fact this is a joke. I still had to check in the comments. 🙂 (ps, love the blog as therapy supplement. Yes, I do that too. And my real therapist has read some of my posts.)

  6. Hilarious! Perfect read after an emotionally draining afternoon. Gotta love his insight and humility!!!! Keep ‘me coming OM!

  7. Man! I want a therapist! Freaking no one listens to every fourth word i say – i’m lucky if i get 1 in 10! You’re probably only reading 1 in every 10 words – which would be…
    Man to get every…
    Hmmmm….

  8. I only taught writing for 3 years, and graded students’ papers for 4 years, but I can smell plagiarism a mile away. Tell your therapist you have enough to do without doing his homework for him. 😉

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