Why The Stomach Flu Beats The Hell Outta Disney

If you find yourself in SoCal (that’s Southern California to you in the heartland), you will have a dizzying array of choices about how to spend your free time. And if you’re with your family– say, small children under 5– I’m about to save you thousands of dollars with this travel tip.

Get a pen and write this down.

First, cross Disney off your family bucket list. Too expensive, too commercial, too crowded. Plus, do you want your kids coming home with more over-priced crap after you just did a toy purge? NOYOUDONOT!

Next, cross “introduce kids to the ocean” off your bucket list. Listen, they’re going to find the oceans or other bodies of water soon enough. Why do you have to put yourself at the center of all their experiences?  Let ’em find the ocean on a globe at home. Stick it in the sandbox if you are a stickler for authenticity. Skip this because there’s all that dangerous sunshine dying to incancerate (made it up– write that down too) your lovies. Plus, what’s not on your bucket list, but will be part of this life experience, is schlepping towels, water, snacks, change of clothes, a stroller, sun hats, sunscreen, baby dolls, and Spiderman shovels down to the sand, which you will unpack and your kids will play with for 7.5 minutes until they decide that the texture of sand is entirely unsuitable for their delicate Midwestern feet.

Do yourself a favor: skip it.

See those 2 blank spots on your bucket list?  Write: Stomach Flu, the SoCal edition.

Hear me out.

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Numero Uno: You will save hundreds of dollars because there are no food costs. All you have to do is stock up on Gatorade and Ginger Ale. No annoying expenditures on dinner, snacks, food you have to chew.

Also?  No annoying arguing among family members about where to go or how to spend time. All you need is an equitable schedule for everyone to use the bathroom to take care of their business and Boom! You’ve got peace and harmony.

And think of how much you pay for a hotel room that typically you spend no time in. What a colossal waste!  But there is no waste if you are all laid up puking in it for a few days. Get your money’s worth!  Also, they have those convenient housekeeping services to hose your room down daily. If you think about it, a hotel is the best place ever for your family to get a stomach bug.

When everyone’s sick and blowing chunks on everyone else, that results in true bonding. Disney can’t give you that– all they can sell you is cheap imitations of intimacy.  Real intimacy is when your son spews his dinner from 22 hours before all over your favorite Citizens of Humanity jeans and then he has the nerve to go in for a kiss right after that.  Does Disney offer opportunities to set boundaries like “I won’t kiss you when your vomit is hanging out of your nose?”

Finally, once you recuperate and can get back on your feet, you can shop for jeans in a size smaller because you lost all that water (and fat and muscle).

This is such a killer idea, I’m sending it to Suze Orman so she can include it in her next Oprah Magazine column. But I wanted to share with my loyal readers first because I’m a giver.

So kick that Princess-teacup-castle cess pool to the curb– and avail yourself of the charms of the stomach flu while on vacation in sunny California!

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37 thoughts on “Why The Stomach Flu Beats The Hell Outta Disney

  1. May I be so bold, as a former temporary SoCal resident, as to suggest that a) one should avoid SoCal at all costs because b) puking is the favorite pastime of far too many locals?

    Sorry for your gastrointestinal distress. And that nobody warned you about Disneyland.

      • That’s the uniform. They wear that at 60 degrees and at 80 degrees.

        Seriously, the whole vibe there is crazy with a side of desperate. Get out while you can. And for heaven’s sakes, buy your new jeans online because an L.A. mall is the fourth circle of hell. On soooooo many levels.

      • That is like the weirdest trend I’ve ever laid eyes on (flip flops with a full winter coat being the other.) Do all Uggs have the fur all the way through? If so, HOW is it possible to wear them when it’s warm? Are they wearing them sockless (the way they’re apparently intended, according to Oprah, but ew foot sweat, no)? Are their legs hot but their feet cold? I’ve never understood even long sleeved shirts with shorts so perhaps I’m not the best to offer clarity on something you didn’t ask for clarity on.

  2. Girl you are 100% onto something here… the first time I took Chelsea home to Dallas, she blew chunks in our hardly used hotel room… saved me at least a $20 hotel breakfast b/c nobody wanted to eat that morning… the ride home was peaceful as phenegran is a 6 hour drug! Of course there was the remorseful side of me that had to purchase the I ❤ TX souvenir on the way out of the hotel… needless to say six flags pizza is off my daughters favorite food list … but we are still looking at TX colleges 🙂

  3. Seriously – what kind of mother wouldn’t kiss her child with vomit hanging from his nose? Just kidding.

    I can remember only one epic stomach flu incident from my early days as a mom. I hit the point where I just did not want to clean up another single effing pile of puke and without even thinking about it stuck my cupped hands under his chin to catch the vomit.

  4. you’re right on – disney for the under 5 set is just a bad idea all around. learned that the hard way – twice. also, the ocean for young kids! It’s a tornado of death surrounded by massive amounts of random strange people under blazing sun. yeah, fun.
    as for the stomach bug, i’m not a huge fan, but for 24 hours i’m willing to go there for the sheer vanity after-effects. i’m in.

  5. You’re a walking/talking advertisement for the SoCal hotel industry. And smaller-sized jeans? Where do I sign up? I can’t think of a better place to have the stomach flu than a hotel – brilliant idea! Come home already!

  6. We just made the 12 hour (should be 11) trek home from Denver with two kiddos blowing chunks. It’s amazing how much can come out of a child and the distance they can get. We “littered” a down jacket and blanket on the side of I25 becuase there was no way i was getting close enough to pick it up. ick! In between puking sessions T was telling jokes. WTF

  7. We visited friends in Irvine when my oldest was 7 months old. He brought a yummy bug that got our hosts miserably ill, so we ended up playing nurses for the trip. Hubby and I never got it, but we definitely didn’t plan our SoCal vacation to include a saltine and Sprite dinner menu. Our son was so young we didn’t plan to sightseer much, but we were planning to drink a bunch of wine with our friends and that didn’t quite work out.

  8. I’ve never been to Disneyland, but I’ve done Disneyworld more times than I can count, and it is certainly not one of my happy places. Stomach flu sucks a big one, but not sure if it sucks more than Disney…

  9. All good advice, but not when it’s based on a true story of someone you like!

    The stomach flu sounds dreadful. Hope you all are feeling much better.

  10. I just could not leave your web site before suggesting that I really loved the standard info an individual provide for your visitors? Is gonna be again often to check up on new posts

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