If you find yourself in SoCal (that’s Southern California to you in the heartland), you will have a dizzying array of choices about how to spend your free time. And if you’re with your family– say, small children under 5– I’m about to save you thousands of dollars with this travel tip.
Get a pen and write this down.
First, cross Disney off your family bucket list. Too expensive, too commercial, too crowded. Plus, do you want your kids coming home with more over-priced crap after you just did a toy purge? NOYOUDONOT!
Next, cross “introduce kids to the ocean” off your bucket list. Listen, they’re going to find the oceans or other bodies of water soon enough. Why do you have to put yourself at the center of all their experiences? Let ’em find the ocean on a globe at home. Stick it in the sandbox if you are a stickler for authenticity. Skip this because there’s all that dangerous sunshine dying to incancerate (made it up– write that down too) your lovies. Plus, what’s not on your bucket list, but will be part of this life experience, is schlepping towels, water, snacks, change of clothes, a stroller, sun hats, sunscreen, baby dolls, and Spiderman shovels down to the sand, which you will unpack and your kids will play with for 7.5 minutes until they decide that the texture of sand is entirely unsuitable for their delicate Midwestern feet.
Do yourself a favor: skip it.
See those 2 blank spots on your bucket list? Write: Stomach Flu, the SoCal edition.
Hear me out.
Numero Uno: You will save hundreds of dollars because there are no food costs. All you have to do is stock up on Gatorade and Ginger Ale. No annoying expenditures on dinner, snacks, food you have to chew.
Also? No annoying arguing among family members about where to go or how to spend time. All you need is an equitable schedule for everyone to use the bathroom to take care of their business and Boom! You’ve got peace and harmony.
And think of how much you pay for a hotel room that typically you spend no time in. What a colossal waste! But there is no waste if you are all laid up puking in it for a few days. Get your money’s worth! Also, they have those convenient housekeeping services to hose your room down daily. If you think about it, a hotel is the best place ever for your family to get a stomach bug.
When everyone’s sick and blowing chunks on everyone else, that results in true bonding. Disney can’t give you that– all they can sell you is cheap imitations of intimacy. Real intimacy is when your son spews his dinner from 22 hours before all over your favorite Citizens of Humanity jeans and then he has the nerve to go in for a kiss right after that. Does Disney offer opportunities to set boundaries like “I won’t kiss you when your vomit is hanging out of your nose?”
Finally, once you recuperate and can get back on your feet, you can shop for jeans in a size smaller because you lost all that water (and fat and muscle).
This is such a killer idea, I’m sending it to Suze Orman so she can include it in her next Oprah Magazine column. But I wanted to share with my loyal readers first because I’m a giver.
So kick that Princess-teacup-castle cess pool to the curb– and avail yourself of the charms of the stomach flu while on vacation in sunny California!