Get Out Of My Life, Groupon

Seriously.  Groupon?  It’s like a barnacle or a really bad boyfriend who doesn’t “get” that you broke up with him weeks ago and somehow he still thinks you are his date for spring formal.  You think to yourself, what do I have to do to get rid of him forever?  And the answer is. . .

I have no blasted idea.

Because in the great existential race of life, Groupon is winning. In fact, I am still trying to park my car at the start, and Groupon already has a banana, a bagel and fresh water, barely sweating after spanking me at the race.

And because of Groupon I sit here on January the SECOND, only 30-some hours into the clean slate, already behind on one of my visions for the year. (I don’t do “resolutions” because they are middle brow and synonymous with “failure” so I simply rename them “visions” and voila! they have a vaguely spiritual air.)

The vision: to be a more mindful consumer of goods and services and to above all resist the siren call of “the great deal” (I am sneering at you, Groupon).

As per usual, I learned to value this vision the hard way.  Just days ago, I was laid up in a hotel room in Los Angeles puking and parenting, when all I should have had on my mind was Gatorade and fresh linens.  But, instead, I kept thinking about a Groupon for a mani/pedi that was set to expire on January 3, 2013.  I was so angry about having to deal with this (because I had been ignoring it for approximately 8 months) that I swore to the high heavens that I would never put myself in that position again.

I swore again this morning when all I wanted to do was write, but I had to deal with the damn Groupon.  As I parked my car, the mantra never again was uttered as a plea/prayer to anyone who would listen.

Gratefully, the nail lady went super fast so I wasn’t stuck in the harsh lights with the awful Cameron Diaz-Jude Law rom com blaring in my face.  I was almost done . . .  and then.


The fast technician who I was just praising in my head said something about “renewal” and a “good deal.”  I should have just pretended I heard her and turned back to my book.

I didn’t.

“Excuse me?” I said, barely above a whisper.

photo (122)

Good news, everyone! The salon, which is not near my house or my new job, is having a post-Groupon special! I can get two mani/pedis for $39.00! (Like Groupon’s cold dead hand from the grave, snatching my soul.)

I tried to make mouth form that powerful one-word sentence: “NO.”  It wouldn’t come.  Instead, I went with that other special one-word sentence: “OK.”

Now, here I sit with TWO more mani/pedis that I have to use.  I can already feel the pressure and panic about using them before they expire.  What if my wallet is stolen before I can use them? Or what if my fingernails fall off?  What if the place goes out of business?

See, I don’t need this.  This was not part of the vision.

I totally blame Groupon.


23 thoughts on “Get Out Of My Life, Groupon

  1. I hear you on this and am right there with you. Groupon’s made a killing on me cause I never use the deals in time. I hate the pressure, but continue to buy. I have one due to expire January 31 for 30 yoga sessions. I’ll be lucky if I use one. Congrats on getting one in under the wire – I bet your nails look fabulous!

  2. Just laughing! So me! But I’ve made it through the day so far except that Amazon got a big chunk of my change to support my book habit. They die hard those things. Painted fingers and toes are a weakness for me as well. Gift them?

  3. I’m the same with expiring coupons…whether or not I actually need the item is irrelevant. So even though I PROMISED myself not to spend money on unnecessary items this month, I sit here knowing there are two shiny new bags of goodies in my trunk today: new workout gear from Victoria’s Secret, and candles/shower stuff from Bath and Body Works. I’m $100+ in the hole…but those damn coupons were burning a hole in my pocket.

    I justify these purchases by aligning them with my other “visions” for the new year…can’t
    “stay healthy and fit” without new workout gear, and scrumptiously scented bath products to shower with after my grueling workouts 🙂

    At least your hands look nice!

  4. I recently bought a coupon book from my grandguy for a school fundraiser. There was nary a coupon in the book that I would consider using. How did the PTA manage that?

  5. Expired Groupons, Unused gift cards, DSW, GAP and PetCo rewards…I have a tendency to buy, hoard and never use. Perhaps I will kick them all to the curb in favor of a quarterly splurchase. Something that’s actually good that I actually want. (Except I think I used up all my 2013 splurchases in Dec 2012.)

  6. Take a friend with you — have a blast!

    I’d volunteer to be that friend, but I have nails as brittle as hard ice and hate people touching my toenails.

  7. Hahahahahaha. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. The universe is definitely trying to tell you something here. I’ve never partaken in the Groupon. It sounds like I should just keep it that way.

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