Scheduled A Full-Body Scan? Don’t Forget Your Brazilian

I knew it was supposed to be a “full body scan,” so you think I would have carved out enough “me time” to shave before showing up for my dermatology appointment.

But, I didn’t.

And that was just one of the many follies of my very first trip to the skin doctor.

I was sitting on that paper thingy, wearing that gown that opens in the back waiting for the dermatologist to come in and perform a “full-body scan,” and I finally got around to wondering what in the name of SPF is about to happen?  This appointment was part of my “total body care” program that I just decided I am doing as I write this post.  We’ll call this “my first step.”

As with my internist, I see the same dermatologist as my husband, who mentioned that the doctor was a “nice guy,” after seeing him just last week.

You know what my husband didn’t mention?

All of this:

  • Dr. Johnson is HOT.  There’s no other way to put it, but the guy is smoking hot.  He had Clark Kent glasses, which made him look studious, but he also had a perfect olive complexion (gah! how cliché for a derm guy to have flawless skin), and a very nice physique below his almost-too-tight scrubs.  When he walked in the door, I suddenly realized that I couldn’t tell you the last time I shaved (definitely last year), and it suddenly felt like it mattered. A lot.

photo (1)

  • Dr. Johnson is maybe 30 years old.  That means he is a decade younger than I am.  EXCUSE ME, but when did I get old enough to have a medical doctor at least a decade younger. Did he even go to medical school, because that takes a long time.  His youth was so startling to me that I almost felt guilty about noticing how six-packy he was.
  • As for the fully body scan? Hey, hubs, I could have used some details on that.  For example, that he was going to look up in my butt for moles.  I should have realized that was coming when he combed through my scalp with that handheld magnifying light.  But still, when Dr. Six Pack said, “Some people get these moles in their buttocks, may I take a look?” I just was not prepared.  How come no one ever says, “You’re going to the dermatologist? Did you get your Brazilian wax yet?”  Because now that’s going to be a thing I say. A lot. I will Tweet that phrase out at least one a week.  People need to know.
  • Hubs also didn’t mention that I would have to detail my skin history, which makes sense, but I didn’t see it coming.  I swear I felt physical pain as I watched the doctor scrunch up his adorable little face as I told him how I used to slather my body with Crisco oil and lay on my grandmother’s roof.  He seemed to think that was not “best practice.”   “But, the oil and the black shingles gave me a golden tan for junior prom, Doctor. You remember prom, right? I mean, it was probably only 5 years ago for you.”

The entire appointment lasted about 13 minutes, which was plenty of time to cycle through every emotion known to humankind: the shame of having more hair on my legs than my head; the emotional excitement of being inspected by a hot doctor with his own Epic Dermis; the pride that I could tell him,”yes, hear me, I had a prom date, even though I am old and had to manually lift my breasts so you could see my almost-six-pack abs beneath them.”

Yeah, it was a pretty intense 13 minutes.

Please excuse me, I have to go buy today’s Groupon: 2 for 1 Brazilians.


93 thoughts on “Scheduled A Full-Body Scan? Don’t Forget Your Brazilian

  1. This is the funniest thing I have read in ages. I laughed out loud so ridiculously throughout the whole thing. I so can’t wait to see your tweets, I promise to retweet them all. Because even though I’ve never had a full body scan or a brazilian, I am on board to alert people everywhere that they indeed go hand in hand.

    • Was that a Texas thing? My grandmother lived in Waxahachie, and there we’d use butter, but whatever. I had a prom to go to. High five, indeed!

      On Fri, Jan 11, 2013 at 8:27 AM, Outlaw Mama

  2. Yup!! The full body exam including the boys. I was shocked at how invasive the exam was as well. I thought I was just having my sun beaten bald head checked. Nope!!

    Next time I will be more mentally prepared. Thanks for the reminder, us hair challenged need to go more often, at least the ones who don’t use sun screen on a regular basis.

  3. I am laughing so hard – how do you do this? Take the least riveting type of doctor’s appointment known to man and make it funnier than the best SNL skit ever? Send me his number stat! And didn’t everyone use Crisco for that crispy fried-chickeny-colored glow?

  4. Oh that was hilarious Miss Christie. I love you and your posts. I especially identified with the lifting of the breasts moment. I had a pelvic ultrasound today. I will be happy to give you details offline if you ever need one. Thank GOD it was a female. They told me that it was the male tech’s day off. Holy shit. A dude works with the chicken baster and the vagina too? Really? When did he decide that as a profession?

  5. I was just getting a regular ol check up of the 44 year old lady parts; and I am sure I am fine. Interesting to see one’s uterus again after not seeing it since the 5 year old was born. Oh how I just love chatting away with the vagina tech, I mean ultrasound check about life, work, etc. while the baster is in my hoo-hoo. Oh, random non-sequitur ( had to look up how to spell that just to make sure I had it right for all of your loyal readers to not think I was a ditz
    ); Lily named her stuffed animal owl, HOO HOO. I laugh every time she says it ( inside so as to not shame her ). She also yells out, “HORNY”, every time we drive past the pasture with the male steer.

  6. The comments are making me laugh EVEN HARDER. How is that possible? As I am, um, naturally, tan AHEM, I never bothered with the Crisco to get browner. We used it as lotion. Seriously. Beats Vaseline fo-eva! (Also, I found out the hard way that it’s also a suppository. That means exactly what you think it means.) I’ve never had a full body scan, just a few moles checked out. There’s one in my head that I need looked at again because it keeps growing (you do not have a tumor, you do not have a tumor, you are not sitting here dying as you type from an as-yet-unburst aneurysm BREATHE) but I will be prepared should anyone suggest I get undressed.

  7. Egads! It sounds horrifying! But now I am prepared, should I ever do the thing I should do and go get a full body scan with a dermatologist. But I’m going to make sure it’s a woman. And that she’s older than me!

  8. Hilarious. Having someone look at me that closely freaks me out, even if it is a doctor (or especially if its a hot doctor). And next time I do ill totally get a Brazilian. But good for you for your full body care program. Im pretty sure I should start one of my own.

  9. Okay then, I thought it was bad getting prepped for the yearly exam of my lady parts. You know the shave your legs, make sure you don’t have any holes in your socks. Grooming the lady parts, worrying about how much is the right amount to not have the nurses say “did you get a load of that ladies hoo-ha” after you leave the office. Now that I know how infinitely more embarrassing it is to get your skin checked, I probably never will. Just the vision of someone checking my butt crack for moles is doing me in – the doc would have to holler for a crowbar!

  10. That was absolutely hilarious. I have been considering the full body skin scan and have a MUCH better idea of what to expect. I can also picture Jeff doubled over laughing!

  11. OMG–this is so hilarious and excellent information. I think Paul goes to the same doctor, and I was going to, but he mentioned that he was attractive, so I decided against it!

  12. So funny. The text exchange with Jeff esp. priceless. Let’s just say my derm is a woman and thank God for that as I have a little mole in a delicate area that needs yearly checking. Oh, and her skin is flawless – of course.

  13. He examined your rear? Now is that usual? I’m sure he wouldn’t have asked if he didn’t think you were attractive. Even medical professionals have discretion. As far as being tidy/shaved in the proper areas, I fall woefully short in the winter. This usually occurs to me as I stride out on the pool deck like today. But all I had to worry about was the nice old guy with flippers and goggles in the next lane — not an attractive young doctor.

  14. I totally loved this. cracked me up! i love your text interaction with your husband the best! i don’t think i’ve ever had a ‘body scan’ but now, i’m sure to be prepared if i do.

  15. The first time I went to my OB’s I had the same problem. I’m sitting there in my gown and in walks this young hot doctor. I quickly tried to suck my gut in which didn’t work to well cuz I was pregnant. It’s just so much more embarrassing when they’re hot! Turns out his partner was even better looking than he was!

  16. Hilarious. Makes me so glad my semiannual full scans are with a woman five years older than me. She still points out and nonchalantly names each new age spot, breakout, and “normal growth most people want me to remove.” Gah.

    I never remember to shave, and I do this every six months…

  17. Ugh! Good to know! I would never have seen the butt thing coming. The last time I went to my doctor for basically a blood work check-up, he decided to spring a full physical on me. I was unshaven and unprepared, as well, but he’s old and unattractive, and left my butt alone, so I was good.

  18. Ahahahaha! Oh my god. You freaking kill me. Always. I would die if someone had to look IN my butt. And then I’d start quoting Talladega Nights like a nerd. “I just want you to know that I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho…”

  19. I hate getting doctors younger than me. My derm guy is a good 10 years older, at least. Still, though, I’ve never had a full body scan. I didn’t even know that was a thing! Thanks for the heads up.

  20. Outlaw, this was pretty funny. I can only imagine your discomfort. I too didn’t use the “best practice” one time when sun bathing as a teenager. My best friend and I thought it would be a great idea to lather up with some baby oil, then go layout on a raft in the middle of the lake, in the middle of summer, in the 120 degree heat of the Vegas sun. Not the brightest idea I ever had. I try not to think about the two weeks following the incident where I spent in a great deal of pain, and pealing sheets of skin off my body. Enjoyed this post very much. Good luck with the Dudette III Challenge!

  21. Okay, I can type now that I’m done laughing. I want this guy for my doc but (not butt yet) I will undergo a full day of grooming first. I understand those young guys are used to the way “less is more” look anyway so you’re prepared for next year. When I was in my 20s I had a hottie young gyne. Couldn’t take it!

  22. Hahaha! This had me laughing out loud.
    If he’s young enough to look like I could have given birth to him, then I’m not sure if I could go ahead with all full body scan, especially as I resemble a yeti during the winter months.

  23. omg omg omg omg omg omg omg

    I would DIE. I just had my skin looked at…no invasive check for me. But it could’ve been worse. He could have asked to have a look and you could have blurted out “Rectum? Damn near killed ’em!”

  24. I owe you a big one for this! I would have totally shown up with all my hairs intact. I tweeted to warn all of my friends and family. Thank you! And I agree with the PSA – people NEED to be warned. And I’m sure the doctors would REALLY appreciate it. 😉

  25. Your story reminded me of 4 years ago when I had a pain in my left testicle and attended an appointment at the local hospital. The physician examining me was a young, oriental looking lady who … but enough of that; I’ll save it for a future blog!

  26. Oh my gawd, I just peed a little. I’ve never been to a dermatologist, but if I do ever need to see one, this is going to be the first thing that pops into my mind. It will also be the first piece of advice that I give to anyone going to see a dermatologist.

    Actually, if you think about it, “You should wax your a**hole first.” could be used in a lot of advisory situations…

  27. That was awesome. Years ago, I had to go to physical therapy and the PT assistant was about 22 years old and smoking hot. She had to stretch me in a way that she didn’t have the upper body strength for, so she would lay on top of me to get it done. He face would be inches from mine. Normally a guy would love to have a beautiful woman that close, but it was SO awkward.

    Stopping in from DUDE WRITE.

  28. Welcome to Dude write!

    I have an upcoming physical with my elderly, male, Indian physician. I wonder If I should look into some waxing? Actually, it might be a lot of waxing.

    Fun post! 🙂

  29. If you would’ve taken care of yourself, then you’d be ready for full exam any day. If you keep this shaving routine don’t be surprised when your hub starts cheating on you.

  30. Getting ready for a full body exam myself. This post came up via Google. Love it. Not sure I’ll now be able to keep a straight face during my exam.

  31. Hilarious!! What an experience! I could feel your discomfort as I read this. I would have been thinking all the same things! Thank you for sharing, you made many people smile!

  32. Do people really shave it all off before a full body scan? Lol. I need to go just not sure which way is best, no hair, a little or what. This is going to be so akward

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