Double Date With Newborn FAIL

“Wow, we hate to rush off, but we just remembered that Dale has a haircut at 2PM,” Cari stammered right as I returned from the bathroom.  Before I could say a word, she packed up her angel baby Caitlyn, who had not made a peep in the last hour, and swooshed by me.  I felt a breeze as her size 00 2 maxi dress billowed in her wake.

Jeff and I stared at each other.

“What the…? Do you think they know I accidentally peed on my legs?” I asked sincerely, trying to show Jeff where I had a little urinary mishap in the Starbucks bathroom because I was trying to pee (read pop a squat) with our daughter Bjorned on my chest.

Jeff looked over at my leg– over-sized, under-shaved and now sopping wet from pee– and shrugged his shoulders.  “Seemed like they were going to leave before . . . well, before whatever happened in the bathroom.”

Would you date the three of us?

Would you date the three of us?

The guy behind us sipping an espresso and reading The New York Times laughed out loud at us.  Who could blame him?  There’s always a few train wrecks in Starbucks, and that day it was us me.

We were trying to be adventurous and social.  Actually, I wasn’t trying very hard, but Jeff found a website that connected families with new babies in our neighborhood.   I was feeling isolated and depressed so Jeff set our family up on our first blind double-date with our 4-week old daughter.

I was grumping on the walk over.  My breasts were sore, and I was scared that Sadie would howl the whole time we were there.  I could picture it: Sadie would flail on my chest, knocking coffee out of some stranger’s hand, which would scald her little face, and we’d end up in the emergency room praying for skin grafts for our newborn. 

Thirty minutes in, I thought the date was going well. I pretended not to notice Cari was totally together– wearing an actual outfit with a pedicure to match– while I was still wearing maternity yoga pants and a “vintage” men’s Gap t-shirt.  On my way to the bathroom, I whispered in Sadie’s ear that Caitlyn could be her new BFF and that maybe they could be bridesmaids in each other’s weddings.

What happened in the bathroom is unimportant, except to note that even as sleep-starved and hormonal as I was, I knew I wasn’t supposed to put my newborn baby on the floor in the Starbuck’s ladies room.  So I left her strapped in. 

I was proud of myself for managing as well as I did, but back in the seating area, my pride seemed unearned as I watched our dates cross the street and head to the “haircut appointment.”

“Jeff, I learned a lot today: I shouldn’t try to pee with Sadie in the Bjorn, I should consider getting a pedicure, and I am just not ready to date.”

Agreeing, Jeff said, “Good, because we just got dumped.”   Laughing, I broke the news to Sadie: “Find your own damn bridesmaids, kiddo.”

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65 thoughts on “Double Date With Newborn FAIL

  1. I love this! I was so the one with the dirty outfit and ratty looking hair, all isolated and overwhelmed. I used to compare all my playground interactions with dating – it was so excruciating. My favorite detail? Peeing with the bjorn on. Classic. For the record, I’d family date y’all any day!

  2. Good for you for trying! I would never judge you for having pee on your leg… if you’d promise never to judge me for having little bits of baby poo lodged under my fingernails!

  3. It’s two years later (almost) and I’m still the new mom with the dirty clothes and ratty hair. I’m actually not exaggerating. My husband was away this morning, and let’s just say that to call what I was when I dropped my son off at preschool could be liberally defined as “dressed.” My son has also learned a neat trick in the crib of pulling his own diaper off when he greets me in the morning or after a nap and peeing all over. (So, yes, I do frequently have pee on me.)

    • There’s no way around all the pee, is there? My son is 2 and daughter is now 3.5 and there is still pee everywhere. YOu know what? Fancy scientists need to invent a better overnight diaper. After they cure cancer, of course, but get on that!

  4. Oh my. Yes. The dreaded playdating scene. And then you learn that having gestated at roughly the same time is a very poor basis for friendship most of the time. Don’t know how many times I beat my head against THAT wall before giving up. Vintage GAP is perfect attire for 4 weeks postpartum. Size 2 maxi dress? O.o That’s kind of disturbing. I guess it happens. Are you sure she didn’t just steal some random baby for a couple of days to get a feel for the experience?

    • I consoled myself that she was a sinewy asian woman with flawless skin and zero body fat. Me? Irish and german so you can imagine….finally, FINALLY I learned that having babies doesn’t mean you get to be besties. Why was that so hard to internalize?

  5. I’m never put together. I almost always per with someone in my lap, though I do make the kid get off nh lap so I can wipe, and I’d never judge you for what happens in a Starbucks bathroom. Unless you spray the walls with loop, that is…

  6. love this! totally remember my first ‘date’ with my new baby. it was a new moms luncheon on the upper east side. everyone dripping in diamonds, pointy boots and fresh blowouts. me in yoga pants, sneakers and a pony tail. i was like a kitten in a den of cougars.
    love – what happened in the bathroom is unimportant.

  7. I’m so awkward around new people. Whenever these situations happen to me I tend to re-live them over and over again in my head. In fact I tend to do that even when things go semi-well.
    Such a funny, well-written story 🙂

  8. Oh man. I hate making friends as an adult. Babies, no babies, pee, no pee- it’s so hard. Especially when you don’t meet naturally. Way to be brave and try that and hope that you have has some better experiences and gotten out I your slump- there is nothing like a newborn slump! Oh, and for the record I learned to pee in the bjorn- you lean your butt further back and spread your legs more. I have so much useful info. I think you are way past that stage though, right?

  9. I’ll bet Cari has had more than her fair share of bathroom errors, and probably usually goes out in yoga pants. She was trying too hard. You need to “date” someone who will just be herself. 😉

  10. I love this story for a number of reasons. Brian and I have tried to be adventurous and social, too, and I found a web site where we could meet — and have met — other childfree/childless couples. Most of our dates have worked out, but there’s this one couple that I think makes excuses not to go out with us again because we don’t like the same sports teams they like (?). Of course the first time we met, which was for brunch, we wore sweatshirts and I had my hair in a ponytail. She wore freakin’ dress pants, ok? And make-up! To brunch! At Wishbone, not the Four Seasons!

    I’m also glad you knew instinctively not to put the baby on the floor at Starbucks. I used to work out at this gym that had a carpeted locker room and some of the moms there on baby swim days let their babies crawl on the floor. Even I know better than to do that!

    OK, sorry for the novel here.

  11. Ugh, that sounds completely awkward, meeting up with a strange couple. And who are they to dump you guys! You might have wanted to dump them if you had gotten to know them a little better! I’m sure that’s what would have happened, right?? Too funny 🙂

  12. Was it a blind date? I don’t know if anything of the sort exists for Double dates with Newborns. But I guess the three of you can always date each other. Very cute and simple post. Thanks for linking. 🙂

  13. You have so many great dating stories! This one is a favorite. And excuse me, who wouldn’t jump at the chance to date you three? I’m surprised Mr. NYT didn’t sign your dance card immediately! Now about the leg peeing..I seem to have this problem occasionally even without the Bjorn, but I specifically remember a similar incident in a Potbellies restaurant with Ava. Not on a date of course. Never then. 😉 Great story and post!

  14. Using the bathroom while holding a child is definitely not a skill I acquired by 4 weeks old. I give you a lot of credit for trying such an advanced move in public.

    That family was stupid because you are awesome. I’d be your friend.

    Great story.

  15. I would only want to infant date with someone in yoga pants and a t-shirt. Anything else sounds too high maintenance for my blood. I think you were lucky she fled!

    • I’m pretty sure that’s true. I see her around the neighborhood and she seems friendly and nice, but way too stylish for me. I’m guessing she’s not a regular at the Gap Outlet. Just sayin.

  16. Peeing holding a newborn? What’s a Bjorne? I’m so out if it.

    They were too fancy for you anyway and probably not normal either! Sadie’s worthy bridesmaids will be awesome-er!

  17. Too funny! My son is now 22 and somehow we managed to get there without either one of us ending up in a spiffy orange jumpsuit. A miracle of sorts, really. When he was growing up either one or both of us would end up wearing something no human should ever be forced to wear. Wear all of it with pride because you’re an “in the trenches” kind of mommy and not some pansy pseudo-mom afraid of breaking a nail. You’re going to do just fine. =o)

  18. THIS? This is what I have to look forward to one day? I mean the judgy other moms… not the peeing with a baby. That, I’m sure I’ll do with panache and grace (HA!). But sheesh. I hope you found some other gorgeously hot-mess-ified moms to go with your humor. They aren’t all bad, right? 🙂

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