“Wow, we hate to rush off, but we just remembered that Dale has a haircut at 2PM,” Cari stammered right as I returned from the bathroom. Before I could say a word, she packed up her angel baby Caitlyn, who had not made a peep in the last hour, and swooshed by me. I felt a breeze as her size 00 2 maxi dress billowed in her wake.
Jeff and I stared at each other.
“What the…? Do you think they know I accidentally peed on my legs?” I asked sincerely, trying to show Jeff where I had a little urinary mishap in the Starbucks bathroom because I was trying to pee (read pop a squat) with our daughter Bjorned on my chest.
Jeff looked over at my leg– over-sized, under-shaved and now sopping wet from pee– and shrugged his shoulders. “Seemed like they were going to leave before . . . well, before whatever happened in the bathroom.”
The guy behind us sipping an espresso and reading The New York Times laughed out loud at us. Who could blame him? There’s always a few train wrecks in Starbucks, and that day it was
We were trying to be adventurous and social. Actually, I wasn’t trying very hard, but Jeff found a website that connected families with new babies in our neighborhood. I was feeling isolated and depressed so Jeff set our family up on our first blind double-date with our 4-week old daughter.
I was grumping on the walk over. My breasts were sore, and I was scared that Sadie would howl the whole time we were there. I could picture it: Sadie would flail on my chest, knocking coffee out of some stranger’s hand, which would scald her little face, and we’d end up in the emergency room praying for skin grafts for our newborn.
Thirty minutes in, I thought the date was going well. I pretended not to notice Cari was totally together– wearing an actual outfit with a pedicure to match– while I was still wearing maternity yoga pants and a “vintage” men’s Gap t-shirt. On my way to the bathroom, I whispered in Sadie’s ear that Caitlyn could be her new BFF and that maybe they could be bridesmaids in each other’s weddings.
What happened in the bathroom is unimportant, except to note that even as sleep-starved and hormonal as I was, I knew I wasn’t supposed to put my newborn baby on the floor in the Starbuck’s ladies room. So I left her strapped in.
I was proud of myself for managing as well as I did, but back in the seating area, my pride seemed unearned as I watched our dates cross the street and head to the “haircut appointment.”
“Jeff, I learned a lot today: I shouldn’t try to pee with Sadie in the Bjorn, I should consider getting a pedicure, and I am just not ready to date.”
Agreeing, Jeff said, “Good, because we just got dumped.” Laughing, I broke the news to Sadie: “Find your own damn bridesmaids, kiddo.”