I writing a self-help book. It’s going to be huge. I’m calling it “”If You’ve Had A Psycho Ex-Lover, You’re Ready to Parent A Three-Year Old”
Or perhaps, “Dating A Dick? You’ll Be One Step Ahead When Your Preschooler Treats You Like Dirt At The Bowling Alley”
Here are my first two paragraphs:
“Remember that really bad boyfriend you used to have? He was so nice to you when you were alone (eating food that you paid for), but out in public, he would pretend he didn’t know you. I’m talking about guys like Jon Hamm’s character in Bridesmaids, who want to take take take and expect you to be there no matter how they treat you. Did you ever ask yourself why you had to endure that agony?
Here’s the reason: One day you were going to grow up and parent a 3-year-old child who was going to make your bad boyfriend look like the Dalai Lama.”
My intended audience is young women in the dating world who are trying to find a silver lining for time they wasted (or are still wasting) with a boyfriend who’s stingy with love and praise, can’t clean up after himself and won’t pay for anything.
My book is going to have everything that a good self-help book should have.
Like bullet points:
Skills to survive the bad boyfriend that will come in handy when you have children–
- Establishing a good support system so you don’t crumble under the stress
- Practicing good self-care like napping, eating well, regularly exercising, and ingesting copious amounts of prescription drugs. Remember: Dealing with crazy people is stressful
- Keeping snacks around because mean people are dangerous when their blood sugar plummets. When they come at you screaming and yelling, offer some salty starches and it may take some venom out of the attack.
I’ll also have testimonials from other mothers who draw upon previous bad romances when parenting their children.
“I remember in college when Thad used to beg me to come to his jai alai matches only to ignore me while I was there. Worse, he would flirt with other women. Now, when my little Sophia-Caitlyn ignores me at soccer practice and wants to go home with one of her friend’s mothers because she hates me, I know I will survive those crushing blows to my heart.” — Wendy P., age 37, Peoria, Illinois
“When my son Braden-Caden first started throwing stuff on the floor during meal time, I was all why does this seem so familiar? As I was cleaning up organic tofu loaf I had marinated in free-trade lotus root juice, I remembered my ex, Cal, who used to throw his crap everywhere, and I thought to myself I got this.” — Charlotte, age 29, West Glenview Hills, CA
There will be a quiz to take and a list of resources. Then, I will detail my 5-point plan for how to use those bad romances to build strong parenting muscles.
The back cover will be a picture of me with my own testimonial:
The author, no stranger to one-sided relationships, saw the value of those dead-ends when she found herself sobbing in her mini-van because her three-year old ditched her in the middle of play group. She’s endured countless rounds of “I want Daddy, NOT Mommy” during bedtime, mealtime and, really, all the time. Each time her children treat her like her ex-boyfriends used to, she draws herself up and reminds herself to be strong for THIS TOO SHALL PASS. She no longer bases her self-esteem on her children’s moods.