Dated a D-Bag? Then You’re Ready To Parent A Three-Year Old

I writing a self-help book. It’s going to be huge.  I’m calling it “”If You’ve Had A Psycho Ex-Lover, You’re Ready to Parent A Three-Year Old”

Or perhaps, “Dating A Dick? You’ll Be One Step Ahead When Your Preschooler Treats You Like Dirt At The Bowling Alley”

Here are my first two paragraphs:

“Remember that really bad boyfriend you used to have? He was so nice to you when you were alone (eating food that you paid for), but out in public, he would pretend he didn’t know you.  I’m talking about guys like Jon Hamm’s character in Bridesmaids, who want to take take take and expect you to be there no matter how they treat you.  Did you ever ask yourself why you had to endure that agony?

Here’s the reason: One day you were going to grow up and parent a 3-year-old child who was going to make your bad boyfriend look like the Dalai Lama.”

My intended audience is young women in the dating world who are trying to find a silver lining for time they wasted (or are still wasting) with a boyfriend who’s stingy with love and praise, can’t clean up after himself and won’t pay for anything.

My book is going to have everything that a good self-help book should have.

Like bullet points:

Skills to survive the bad boyfriend that will come in handy when you have children–

  • Establishing a good support system so you don’t crumble under the stress
  • Practicing good self-care like napping, eating well, regularly exercising, and ingesting copious amounts of prescription drugs.  Remember: Dealing with crazy people is stressful
  • Keeping snacks around because mean people are dangerous when their blood sugar plummets. When they come at you screaming and yelling, offer some salty starches and it may take some venom out of the attack.

I’ll also have testimonials from other mothers who draw upon previous bad romances when parenting their children.

“I remember in college when Thad used to beg me to come to his jai alai matches only to ignore me while I was there.  Worse, he would flirt with other women.  Now, when my little Sophia-Caitlyn ignores me at soccer practice and wants to go home with one of her friend’s mothers because she hates me, I know I will survive those crushing blows to my heart.”  — Wendy P., age 37, Peoria, Illinois

“When my son Braden-Caden first started throwing stuff on the floor during meal time, I was all why does this seem so familiar?  As I was cleaning up organic tofu loaf I had marinated in free-trade lotus root juice, I remembered my ex, Cal, who used to throw his crap everywhere, and I thought to myself I got this.”  — Charlotte, age 29, West Glenview Hills, CA

There will be a quiz to take and a list of resources.  Then, I will detail my 5-point plan for how to use those bad romances to build strong parenting muscles.

The back cover will be a picture of me with my own testimonial:

The author, no stranger to one-sided relationships, saw the value of those dead-ends when she found herself sobbing in her mini-van because her three-year old ditched her in the middle of play group.  She’s endured countless rounds of “I want Daddy, NOT Mommy” during bedtime, mealtime and, really, all the time.  Each time her children treat her like her ex-boyfriends used to, she draws herself up and reminds herself to be strong for THIS TOO SHALL PASS.  She no longer bases her self-esteem on her children’s moods.


49 thoughts on “Dated a D-Bag? Then You’re Ready To Parent A Three-Year Old

  1. This project may be bigger than originally planned because (take a deep breath, mama), all that mean rejecting annoying shit they do in toddler-hood comes roaring back, but worse, in their teens. So. . .write that awesome book and tell your agent you’ll be ready to knock out the sequel in another decade or so. I’ll be your first customer.

  2. Umm….my sincere condolences on the heartache you got. Yes and your book idea is very unique. Please DO write it. It should be like a cautionary note to all those who are almost about to get a D-Bag boyfriend or those who are going to have kids. Very witty post! 🙂

  3. Three year olds are tiny terrorists. Parents are really no match. How often do we end up defending the little buggers despite it all? At the end of the day, all you’ve got to show for it is a nasty case of Stockholm Syndrome. Four is better. Kinda’.

  4. I’ve never dated a d-bag (although I very well could have been the d-bag that others have dated), but now that my kids are four and somewhat respectful and rational, I remember this wise quote from a friend of mine when I was complaining about the terrible twos: “Whoever coined the term ‘terrible twos’ never had a three-year-old.” No truer words have been uttered. And? As Louise pointed out, and as a former middle school teacher, it is cyclical. They’ll become d-bags again in about ten years. Why’d we have kids again?

  5. I love this. Can we add the d-bag boss who withholds praise just so you will work so hard you don’t know what day of the week it is and you refuse to go to your fiance’s grandmother’s funeral until you have slept in the office two nights in a row in order to prepare for the five hour flight where I would be offline? GOD FORBID I wasn’t there to do every single thing.and get zero credit.

    • So so so so so so much worse.
      Mothers of the world, please stop lying with the Terrible Twos stuff. It leaves new parents unaware how catastrophically horrible Three is.
      You deserve honesty, SoS. Three is seventeen thousand times worse than Two. And gets mildly better at Four. By Six they’re as cute as they’re going to get, and if you’re lucky stay that way until Ten.
      Best of Luck. Outlaw Mama’s book will help.

  6. Yes. Also useful: rejection letters. Sure, they can’t write at that age, but any pounding your ego takes is another well-earned parenting-wisdom badge. There is no ego an obstinate child cannot grind into a powdery fine substance.

  7. This is hilarious! Definitely put it in the book. Funny, I had a 3-year old I adore ignore me today because there was a cuter 6-year old in the room. Except when she wanted some gum, of course.

  8. You’re geniusy. Again. Still.
    The 3-yr old behavior is merely 5K training for the ultra-marathon tween/teen years ahead. We get an “I hate you!” at least twice a week. I found the terrible twos to be cute, but three was probably my least favorite age. It felt very deliberate. I. Know. Exactly. What. I’m. Doing. Here. (It’s the toddler “f-you”)
    And everything is harder with the first kid because you don’t have the wisdom to know you’ll get through it…or to know about how long each phase lasts. This too does pass. And 3’s say some funny shit.

  9. …and then there are those of us who are too chicken $hiz to have kids because they had a series of psycho ex-lovers. I appreciate you mamas that are willing to take the plunge into those feelings once again. Hang in there, Christie!

  10. This just totally made my day but can we please include 4 year olds? I certainly dated a few d-bags back in the day so I should be way more prepared than I feel most of the time – lol! I love your tips and wish this was a real book, I’d buy several copies 🙂 Maybe it’s just making sure we are strong enough for the teen years? I know sh*t is going to get real during those years……awesome post!

    • Oh yes, let’s include 4yo!!! And I am going to need something so strong and so potent during those teen years. Looking for the right chocolate right now.

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