Hey, Mighty Creator, What’s Up With Morning Breath?

When I come face to face with my Creator, I suspect I’ll have some questions. Not that I will be in charge of whatever is happening (though that would be my definition of Heaven), but if there is an opening in the agenda for me to direct the proceedings, believe me I will.

I’ll start with my questions.

image credit: aumethodists.org

image credit: aumethodists.org

Sure, I will have a series of questions about the Big Stuff.  The big WHYs I carry around under labels like “school shootings” or “famine” or “AIDS.”  I picture those conversations happening in a big boardroom– me holding a legal pad trying to make sense of the answers I’m hearing.

And I’m not talking about the science answers.  I don’t care about those.  I care about the big fat WHY did the science have to work like THAT. 

But, when we’re not in the formal conference room hashing out my feeble understanding of humankind (and science, clearly) over some no-calorie roasted nuts, I picture casual conversations.  The kind you’d have with a family member between courses at a holiday meal, or during commercial breaks while watching The Big Game.

That’s when I could ask my non-Boardroom questions: 

What’s the deal with morning breath? If you had it to do over again, would you create a world without it?

Why is fried food so delicious if it’s so deadly?

Why no white shoes after Easter Labor Day?

I’ll be like that party guest who is impossible to get away from.  I hope there’s a comfy chair nearby because once I get going, I won’t be able to stop. 

Why’d you go the mucus plug route? You could have done anything– it could have been rose petals coming out of my uterus, but you opted for a mucus plug.  What up with that?

Boogers? Really? Why? Just why?

What do YOU think of reality TV?

Do you like Sinead O’Connor?

Seriously, do you think female clergy would be so bad?

Velveeta? Really?

I’m not sure what it says about me that my fantasies about Heaven involve me getting answers to questions I have long wondered.  Sure, I hope to be reunited with my dearly departed, and they are welcome to eavesdrop on my conversations, but there’s something about wanting those answers that feels like Glory, while being stuck down here with all the ignorance and questions feels so damn Earthly.

* * *

What burning questions would you ask?

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35 thoughts on “Hey, Mighty Creator, What’s Up With Morning Breath?

  1. Only you could follow up a raw and emotional post with one that is this hysterical. I laughed out loud a dozen times. Here’s what I’d ask: all those times when my kids kept saying “I’m hungry” were they really hungry? Even after they ate 3 large chocolate chip pancakes? Or was it really just their juvenile vocabulary? The inability to articulate their boredom? I need to know.

    • The childhood questions would take days. Those Whys? are neverending. Why is there a catchy phrase for the 2s (see terrible twos) and nothing for the 3s, which is harder and more agonizing on so many levels? Oh, the questions will pour of me like shit out of an armadillo.

  2. Oh, how I love your questions! Non-calorie roasted nuts and Sinead O’Connor! I agree with mamarific. Lice. I would definitely ask about lice. (sigh).

    • I am hoping my relationship to lice will remain forever theoretical, though your concerns about it suggest I may have a closer relationship than I want. Egads!

  3. Pass those nuts and make some room on that comfy chair, I want to hear the answers to those questions, too. And I’ll add some about smelly feet, cockroaches and shame. Oh, and whining, definitely want to know why god didn’t make whining sound like Beethoven. Or Lyle Lovett. Love this!

    • Seriously. The whining? Come on, Creator, were you in a bad mood that day? Shame– what the what???? Let’s make a list and we’ll all meet up and ask together when we reach the by and by.

  4. Why can’t children be born with teeth so we as parents don’t have to deal with the dreaded “teething stage.” It hurts to breast feed anyway, why not just throw some teeth in there anyway!
    Loved this post! Ooh one more.. PERIODS!!!! and Why couldn’t we pee standing up? Sorry that was two!

    • Right. Or more properly, why do we think that cellulite is so awful– how come we weren’t given eyes to see it as beautiful. And, if we were given eyes to see it as beautiful, but our culture messed that up, then WHAT”S UP WITH THAT?

    • One day when I think you are ready I will tell you a story about a young girl at a camp who experienced Shit out of an Armadillo. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. But you should rename your band.

  5. Great questions..,now I am fixated on lice too-in fact, I just scratched my head thinking about it!

    I want to know about babies that aren’t allowed to grow up healthy and if my deceased grandpa sends me hawks as a sign 😉

    • Totally agree. Anything about babies going to soon is a big thick folder for my boardroom discussions. I like the idea of your Grandpa sending you hawks. How glorious.

  6. Oh, I like the Sinead O’Connor question!
    I think I’d add: Adult acne…was that absolutely necessary?? –Lisa

  7. I’m just going to build on Dose’s acne question and suggest you ask about bacne. What the hell is up with that? Or back hair for that matter. Why is the back such a dumping ground?

  8. I want to know all of these things, too! And I’d ask about stress incontinence, too. Why do I have to pee every time I sneeze since having children — isn’t it enough that my life is no longer my own? But no, now I have to wear panty liners every damn day of my life, too…

  9. Why do I only gain weight on my belly area causing me to look perpetually pregnant. Why can’t it be spread out over my whole body. Or just in my boobs. That would be okay.

    What the hell is up with peanut allergies? They make everyone miserable… not just those afflicted with it.

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