When Daddy Does The Library Run: How My Kid Checked Out A Book About Mommy’s Rage

My nerves are shot to hell.

First, I’ve got a Facebook feed full of people looking for their birth mothers and cancer patients who want me to “like” their page.  And I want to “like” anyone who is sick or missing his/her Mommy, especially children.  But sometimes I am just scrolling through and have no intention of leaving a mark, especially because I only have one hand free on public transportation.  How can I possibly not “like” someone whose free time is spent in chemotherapy? It stresses me out.

Then, I’ve got a kid who choked on a wad of cereal this weekend. It was real, Heimlich maneuver choking.  I pumped his little diaphragm and smacked his back so hard that the wad flew across the kitchen, and then my little guy puked all over me.  You never really appreciate the life-affirming presence of puke until your choking kid hurls the breakfast you spent 37 seconds thinking would be his last comes back up.

I’ve also given up ice cream and pudding. I know, I know.  It’s as bad as it sounds.  Gone are those luscious bowls of sweet escape I used to eat once my children are in bed.  They have been replaced by Greek yogurt and roasted unsalted pecans. (Excuse me, but what the hell kind of yogurt did we eat before that Greek stuff came along? Can’t go two feet in the grocery store without hitting a Greek yogurt display.)

Anyway, I got the idea that I was going to eradicate artificial sweeteners from my life and only eat “real food.”  All of my sweet treat consumption was full of artificial crap because I didn’t want to get fat eating it.  But I want to be a real person who eats real food so until I am willing to eat full fat and full sugar pudding and ice cream (all 16 grams of fat), then I am off the sauce.  And it’s making me very grumpy at night.

I didn’t think anyone in my family noticed how grumpy I’ve been during my confectionary detox.  I was pretty sure that my burning white-hot rage was well contained. An internal fire, if you will.  However, I’m getting some external feedback that maybe a wee bit of my ill temper is seeping out.

Exhibit A:

When Daddy does the library

When Daddy does the library

The other day Jeff took over my regular duties as Parent Who Does The Library Thing With the Kids.  He and Sadie returned with some real f*cking gems.  Like that classic Goodnight Moon When Mommy Was Mad.

“Interesting choice,” I commented neutrally.

“I thought it might be interesting,” Jeff responded.

“They didn’t have a Daddy one?” I inquired pleasantly.

“We didn’t need it.”

And that’s how I ended up searching on-line for the following books to add to our permanent collection:

  • When Daddy Hurt Mommy’s Feelings 
  • When Daddy Bought Mommy A Kate Spade Briefcase For Mother’s Day
  • When Mommy Had A Spa Weekend And Daddy Turned Into the Angry One
  • Mommy’s Angry Because She’s Committed to A Diet That Is Friendly To Our Planet and Good For Her Health Even if Daddy Doesn’t Support Her.
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54 thoughts on “When Daddy Does The Library Run: How My Kid Checked Out A Book About Mommy’s Rage

  1. This is hilarious! THanks for the confirmation that continuing my addicition to all things dark chocolate is not for me at all – it’s really in service of harmony in my relationships.

    • DOn’t ever let go. Last night I did have a handful of dark chocolate chips– real deal full fat deliciousness– and I was much nicer to everyone. THose French (and you) are on to something brillz.

  2. I LOVE greek yogurt and sugar – but not together because I only eat plain GY and when I say I, I really mean me and both my kids (what babies like plain GY? we are a family of freaks), so I’m not sure where I fall on your spectrum. But I love your books, they cracked me up. Your dialogue tags are priceless,

      • I know. This was the most uncomfortable book since “The Man Who Couldn’t Stop Sneezing” from my childhood. The title sets up the plot, obviously. So the man starts getting rid of stuff but he doesn’t stop sneezing. He moves out of the house. Still doesn’t stop. He burns all of his clothes and moves to the woods with his faithful dog. Still sneezing. Finally he goes crazy and chops down all the trees. Bam! A tree falls on his dog and kills it. And he stops sneezing. Turns out he was allergic to the dog all along. This book was produced by the Nova Scotia Department of Lands and Forests. I never understood what the moral was.

      • What what what??? That’s nuts. I’ll be thinking of that moral for a long time. Maybe forever. Perhaps because there wasn’t one. NOt a good one at least.

        On Wed, Apr 10, 2013 at 11:41 AM, Outlaw Mama

  3. And the book “If your mama’s having a bad day, steer her toward stretchy pants & Frye boots”.
    I like the Greek Yogurt (can’t bring myself to call it GY–too close to GYN which I’d like to keep separate from all eating) & found a lovely sheeps milk variety. The plain is decadent.
    No sugar sucked for me. I’ve heard good things about it in the long run but I did not achieve long run in my last attempt. I achieved bitchy. And unsatisfied. So I likely consumed extra non-sugar calories trying to fill my sugar void.
    I had to make my nanny do the library. All those god-knows-where-they’ve-been books gross me out. And I’m otherwise not a germophobe.

    • I know! You know that’s how you get bed begs. I try to focus on literacy and not how grossed out I am, but it gets harder every trip.

      Love the GY/GYN references.

      On Wed, Apr 10, 2013 at 10:24 AM, Outlaw Mama

  4. First off, omg I’m glad your son is okay! That’s freakin scary!! And secondly, life is too short not to have some sugar. I was looking at some bitches, I mean skinny girls in yoga the other day. I go to yoga in downtown where most of the gals are single. I swore off sugar for about an hour. Life’s too short not to make peace with me belly. I’m lately real angry that all the magazines are showing bikini bods. Why can’t my jelly belly be beautiful too? Anywho, your husband cracks me up.

    • Yes, he’s funny. And I’m breakind down and not anti sugar, but I needed a new relationship with my nighttime eating. I hope my mom isn’t reading this, but I was thinking that my ice cream might have been interfering with my sex life. I won’t go into details, but you catch my drift. So swearing off the sweets was really about letting go of fake sugar and all that crap and coming around to the real deal. You know, like the French. Last night’s handful of real chocolate chips was a step in the direction I plan to go. Balance, pleasure and acceptance.

      On Wed, Apr 10, 2013 at 11:31 AM, Outlaw Mama

  5. I’m trying to get rid of artificial sweeteners too, but it’s so freaking hard. I think I may be missing something on the Greek Yogurt wagon. I can’t stand the stuff, and now that it’s everywhere I can’t ever find my regular old lemon dannon anymore.

  6. This is freaking hilarious.
    Don’t tell my spouse that book exists.
    Greek yogurt is a marketing ploy for thickening chemicals. Check ingredients.
    Raw pecans are better for you. Sorry.

  7. i love that your husband said, we didn’t need it! cracked me up. and you know, you can have real ice cream for half that. just not haggan daz or premium. in fact turkey hill has a natural line out as well. really. you can have it. don’t do that to yourself. life’s too short… for not eating ice cream. and for artificial crap.

  8. If it makes you feel any better, we OWN that book. I am not kidding you. I can’t remember how we got it because the kids are older and my memory’s shot, but we have it. Think of how bad you have to be to have spent MONEY on the book. And I’m not even detoxing off of anything. –Lisa

      • Maybe. I wanted to first gauge your interest before approaching my boss who is the literary agent (we’re based in London). I’m the lowly assistant so therefore don’t get final say (if it was entirely up to me it would be a definite yes), but we have a New Clients meeting in a couple of weeks…and I’m weary of writing more in a public forum, so I’ll leave it at that. Keep doing what you’re doing. x

      • Regardless of what happens, please know you have made my day. It’s going to make it a little easier to log on and do my actual work (for which I have a boss who’s expecting it!) and face the blank page! Big MWAH! to you.

  9. omg, when daddy turned into the angry one! love it! 🙂 keep up the no fake sugar thing, that stuff is terrible! hang in there. i have found that a “real food” diet has helped tremendously with my moods, anger, anxiety, everything. i’m a much happier person since i’ve stopped putting crap in AND ON my body.

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