Top 8 Mistakes People Shouldn’t Make When Setting Up Single Friends

You’ve got a single friend and you want to set her up.  I get that.   I want my single friends to have their plus ones, feel sexually sated, and enjoy walking through life with their best friend slash partner.  Just like I am.

And as someone who was set up a billion many times, I have some advice for you would-be match makers.  Your single friends will thank you for keeping the following guidelines in mind.  Do it for them. Do it in the name of friendship.  For the love of Chuck Woolery, just do it.

Chuckie W!

Chuckie W!

  1. If you set someone up with a man who has recently recovered from a traumatic brain injury– one that left him literally comatose for a year– you should let your friend know.  That way when she’s asking him about his life, say what he did during 2004, she’ll understand when he says, “I don’t know.”
  2. If your lady friend is sober and says she wants to date men who do not drink alcohol, don’t set her up with the boozer who’s been on a “straight Tequila diet” since his mother passed away three years ago.  Also, don’t send him over to your friend’s house after he’s had 4 tall boys while watching the Cubs all afternoon.
  3. If your friend is a card-carrying member of the ACLU and stridently supports gay rights, think twice — hell, think four times– before you set her up with your red-state bestie who thinks his “Texas is for steers not queers” t-shirt is a good choice for date numero uno. Or ever.
  4. If your friend happens to be named after the savior of the Christian world– say “Christie” or something like that– do not set her up with a man who will only marry a woman from another religion.  Think long and hard about setting her up with a man from your temple who only wants to date a nice Jewish girl.
  5. It’s awesome if you have a male friend who has a boat and is looking for a nice lady friend.  But when you go to set him up with your single girlfriend, you could mention to her that the boat is his sole remaining possession after his house was foreclosed and his car was repossessed.  That way she’ll understand why he can’t give her a ride home and it will answer the peculiar riddle where does he live? (On the boat, of course.)
  6. Who doesn’t love a sensitive man?  I know I do.  If you have one in mind for your single friend, feel free to set ’em up.  However, if Mr. Sensitive is just coming out of a break-up, say 7 hours earlier in the student lounge of his elite law school, maybe take a step back.  It’s gonna get awkward when Mr. Sensitive cries during the salad course because he misses the woman who dumped him after Constitutional law class hours before.
  7. Your single guy friend loves down-to-Earth women.  Your single lady friend could not be any more down-to-Earth unless she was buried alive.  You can picture dancing at their wedding.  But hold off on drafting your toast to the happy couple if your male friend has a policy that he hates certain professions bitterly– law, for example– and can’t seem to get through dinner without telling her every single lawyer joke he knows.  He’ll end up laughing, but it won’t be funny to her.  Not every girl wants to defend her profession during dinner.
  8. Don’t set your single girl friends up with men you know are gay.  That includes men you know who have male lovers with whom they dress up like superheroes for Halloween.  It happened to me a friend of mine and it wasn’t pretty when she fell for him, but he was not really looking for her to be Robin to his Batman.
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30 thoughts on “Top 8 Mistakes People Shouldn’t Make When Setting Up Single Friends

  1. After my younger sister got married at the beginning of my second year of law school tons of people, mostly friends of my mom, felt sorry for me since I was the older, unmarried sister, so they set me up on a bunch of horrifying blind dates. Forget about the fact that I had absolutely no interest in getting married just then, was thrilled for my sister, and didn’t feel the least bit sorry for myself. Anyway, that’s a long winded way of saying I’ve so been there, and thus find this post extra hilarious.

    • I do recall that you had one really great blind date in the middle of finals to a young suitor who ended up being a great catch and a demo man!!! One of my favorite of your posts, by the way. I was a little less level-headed when my younger sister got married. But I came to accept my late blooming self and it all worked out better than I could imagine.

      • Yes, that was quite the blind date. And it’s so funny because I didn’t have a single blind date that was just ok. They were all absolutely horrifying until the one that really, really wasn’t.

      • I had a lot of horrifying ones…like the ones I detailed in my post. It wasn’t even the men that were the problem– they were great. It was more the process and that lack of critical information from my set-uppers that was more disheartening. WEll, the homophobic guy was really terrible. Really really terrible. The lawyer hater was almost funny in the first 5 minutes, but those other 77…not so funny.

    • It’s purely fictitious, except that list of 8 things. That parts real. The ficticious part is that I want my friends to be sexually sated. Oh, just kidding, I want to share that with them. Someone please shut me up now.

      On Wed, Apr 24, 2013 at 10:04 AM, Outlaw Mama

    • Let’s just say that I wasn’t blogging then, but if I had been, those posts would have written themselves. Maybe it’s best I can only tell the stories with the benefit of years of hindsight.

      On Wed, Apr 24, 2013 at 10:15 AM, Outlaw Mama

  2. On behalf of all of us who have been set up on horrific dates by friends, thank you for this important, hilarious Public Service Announcement! I need details on the last one! xo

  3. I only set up friends once – a coworker and an old high school friend. I liked them both very much but they weren’t my closest friends in the world, and still I was up the entire night worried and wondering how it was going. I vowed to never do it again — and good thing because somewhere down the line I would have run afoul without your rules!!

  4. And this is why I was happy I’d never have to date again. Or so I thought…

    It’s ok, though – no 40 year-old woman with four young kids is ever a catch. Le sigh…

  5. I have broken up with *so* many guys after their Constitutional law class that this would render much of the population undatable by your outrageously stringent standards.

    Sheesh. So many rules.

  6. Oh, I can’t! I think I’ve dated half of these men too! The different religions, the gay men (several), the anti gay rights ones. Somehow, we hared the man pool!

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