I’ve been looking for a silver bullet. Not a real silver bullet. Metaphorical, strictly metaphorical.
I want that thing that will make all my dreams come true and fix the noise in my head. Are you familiar with noise? I’m taking about the noise that whisper-shouts You’re not doing it right! You should be doing that other thing! Cagey bastard that it is, as soon as I pick that other thing it shouts something new, like You took too long get to this! It’s too late! You’re never gonna get it right!
So I want a silver bullet to make the noise stop. Here’s what I’ve tried just this year:
- going to bed earlier
- abstaining from TV (except Mad Men)
- cutting out ice cream
- distracting myself with busy-ness
- returning the things I bought shopping
- new hairstyle
- going back to work
- being nicer to my husband
- eating less animal products
- washing my hands more often
- coloring with crayons
- gratitude lists
So far none of those have “worked” to my satisfaction, though I could certainly pursue some of them with more commitment. *cough* Meditation *cough* Certain wise, spiritual leaders have counseled that I accept that the relentless voice is inside me and may be there forever.
I am all about acceptance. (No I am not.) But before I go and do something certifiable like actually accepting my life (and my brain) exactly as it is, I have one more trick up my sleeve.
A vision workshop. Yessiree, I am going to dip my toe into the woo woo this weekend and attend a vision workshop that is designed to help bring clarity to my vision and move me further from “vision to reality.” The directions say to bring scissors, glue stick and magazines to make a “vision board.” Also $25.00 for the cost of the workshop.
It’s the latest incarnation of my silver bullet thinking. I am not treating this as an exercise as part of a larger mosaic of mindful living or intentionality. Nope. I want this to be the thing that magically quiets the noise and brings about a lasting peace in my soul about every last thing I do. For starters, I want this vision to help me understand my confusing relationship to the legal field and why I am so yell-y at the end of the day with my kids.
Oh, I’m going to need a roll of butcher paper to make my vision board because I want it all.
There are tangible things I want to materialize in my life. Like a literary agent who will be New York-y stylish and passionate about my writing. Or a solution to my fears about commuting next school year and some guarantees around my and Jeff’s work. And I’m vain, so I want these unfortunate bangs to grow out already.
But there are also immeasurable, internal shifts I would like to see in myself. Like patience– with myself, my kids, the process of healing my own heart and that of this fractured world. I can’t picture what I’d cut out of a magazine that would represent how I want to feel inside but it would have to be a picture of something vast, sturdy, expansive and unknown.
What’s the picture that says all this: I want to be more comfortable in this almost 40-year-old skin of mine; I want to let go of seeking every solution under the great blue sky to make Simon sleep past 5:30; I want to read, write, laugh and love more; I want more freedom, self-assurance, and availability to serve others.
I’m going to spend
hours some time on Google Images– let me know if you have any tips.