Mom, Tell Us That Story About Poop Again

I don’t mean to brag, but I tell the most enchanting bedtime stories to my kids.  For my age group, I bet I am in the top 500 of story tellers for young kids.  Every single night my kids are subjected treated to my original-ish tales spun from the depths of my being– that nook in my soul where my heart and imagination overlap. Into each story I weave morals and whimsy and bubblegum.  There’s always bubblegum.  And unicorns.  Gotta have mythical horned equines.

I’m proud of the body of work in my bedtime stories portfolio.  I call myself Hans “Christie” Andersen.

But, no matter how fantastic the tale, or how many packs of gum my plucky protagonist buys at the local drug store before riding her unicorn to the chocolate water slide park, my kids always prefer the stories that feature poop. They don’t care about my use of alliteration, foreshadowing or magical realism.

They want the poop.

Mommy, tell the story about the time the armadillo pooped on your legs.

Um, ok.  Sometimes I am too tired to fight, so I surrender my dignity and my agenda.  “Ok, guys.  Once I was a camp counselor and this super hot counselor fell deeply in love with me so he captured an armadillo by the trash dumpsters and waved it in front of me.  Unfortunately, the armadillo was so scared that it’s anus opened up and out poured– poured— armadillo crap all over my legs.”

Again, Mommy! Again!

If I am feeling feisty or if I just ate, I refuse to give them what they are begging for.  Like an aging rocker who refuses to play the hits that made her famous, I force stories they could care less about down their throats. Here’s a new story I’ve been working on!  They groan and try to leave the room.  But I make them stay because I am sure the story about the brave young girl who used a lightsaber to conquer evil with her best friend, a hairy kindergartener named Chewbacca (FN1), is going to become their new favorite . . .  even though there’s no poop in Star Wars.

Spoiler alert: Their favorite stories must feature poop.  And not poop-as-a-bit-player.  They want a story were poop is the star with its own trailer and hairstylist and a three-page list of imported snacks it wants.

Their fascination with fecal matter grows stronger everyday.  I made the mistake of talking to my dad on speaker phone in the car the other day.  He told a charming story about how my nephew Thomas had explosive diarrhea in Chipotle.  “We got him to the bathroom just in time,” Dad explained, assuming for some reason I needed any of those details.

Sadie could not let this go.  “What were you talking about?” she asked the second I got off the phone. I know she heard every word.  And I knew it would become her new favorite story.  “Tell me about when cousin Thomas almost pooped his pants in Chipotle.”

I always stall.  “That’s so boring. Everyone on the world has that experience in Chipotle. Let me tell you a story about Wagnerian opera or the origins of chess or how Calliou lost his hair.”

Nope. She wants a poop story, so unless the Ring is really about an epic, 15-hour crap, she’s not interested.

But, I’m still fighting the good fight– trying to tell my tales without talking about good old number 2.  I’m losing, but I am still fighting.  It’s such a shame that all my staggering talent is going to waste.

* * *

FN 1: I said my stories were original-ish.  It’s a staple of my repertoire to reimagine well-known stories with all female characters.  Pin that on your “Feminist Ideas” page.

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50 thoughts on “Mom, Tell Us That Story About Poop Again

  1. All kids love to hear the same story over and over but you got it rough with the poop theme. My kids want hot wheels 24/7 – the same boring story time and time again. I’m always like “hey, I have a great one about finding your voice and using it for good” and they roll their eyes and throw themselves down on the bed. *sigh*

  2. Don’t worry, Freud deems your kids totally normal. My 4 / almost 5 year old thinks poop is the funniest, most awesome thing in the world too.

  3. Poop is hilarious. The word alone makes me giggle. Poop. My son loves a good poop story. I’m going to tell him about the armadillo later. Also, why do kids always ask what you were talking about when they were sitting right there and they already know?

  4. Okay, I don’t literally laugh out loud reading blogs very often, even when I think they’re funny, but this one did it. 🙂 Can you tell it again??

    Now I know what’s missing from my own storytelling… but I’m afraid to incite an obsession.

    Are you SURE the Ring isn’t about poop? Wagner surely couldn’t have written the whole cycle without it…

  5. maybe the poop can magically transform into unicorns. Sounds kind of blasphemous but then you kind of win….brief mention of poop (there once was a poo who blinked and ta da, she was a unicorn…..) means you kind of win.

  6. You know how Caillou lost his hair?! I have wondered that for years. Whatever it is I’m sure doesn’t excuse that whininess of his though.

    Our family has a horrible new poop story from last week–the grossest and most horrible parenting experience of my life. Have your kids call me at bedtime and I’ll tell them all about it.

  7. love hans christie anderson!!! hahaha. and i bet you tell a mean tale. i, on the hand, hate bedtime stories, and always try to bow out and just read one. my husband is the king of those. still, i know that when forced, all i have to do is tell a story where a character walks into things or falls down or trips – or poops! and i’m in. doesn’t even have to make any sense. character falls down in poop. the end. Gold.

  8. Hot damn! Your writing and storytelling are hilariously funny!!!! This was just the dose of humor I needed to start my day. I’m with the kids, bring on the poop. It works for me! Thank you for sharing your talent and joy. I’m a huge fan of Outlawmama!!!! Love you.

  9. I honestly can’t blame them. Who doesn’t want to hear about that time the armadillo pooped on you?! I just scrolled back up and read it again. Poop stories are never not funny. You’ve gotta give the audience what they want! –Lisa

  10. You may have this one, free. It is my boys’ favorite story of all time. Add any details you want, but credit me and send all royalties.
    I was looking for a pet. Wanted a bunny but the shelter had none. Went to lunch, disappointed, and the waitress asked, apropos of nothing, whether anyone my friend and I knew wanted kittens. She had rescued a litter, blah blah blah. My JERK friend, whose an animal activist and wants everyone to rescue seven strays…a year…said we could stop by and look.
    So I wound up with two kittens. Didn’t know what to do with them. Ran to Target, left them in the car (9pm, cool evening, but still sure they’d die in there and I’d live the rest of my life a murderer) and got litter, litter box, food.
    Took ’em home, decided to give them a bath. Did so. Looked at them, drippy and cold, and thought the hair dryer might be a good idea. Turned it on, they FREAKED. I apologized, turned it off, laid it down. Toweled them off the best I could. Shut the door and said goodnight.
    Next morning opened the door to sweet, fluffy, happy cats. They were thrilled with themselves for having killed the loud hairdryer monster with their feces. Thing was COVERED in poo. And a little pee. But mostly poop.
    So I had two new kittens and no hairdryer.
    The end.
    You’re welcome.

  11. My kids beg for stories about Lindy the Goat, which is entirely my fault . . . I begged my aunt for the same stories when I was a kid! Maybe tonight’s Lindy story will involve goat poop . . .

  12. I have a fantastic real life poop story that you can borrow, twist a bit & make it your own! The kids will love it…
    When we were in 4th grade a small group of us went to the neighborhood candy store before coming to my house to play on the backyard. We were doing cartwheels and one of the kids said she got poop on her hands and needed to come in…my mother told her threw the screen door that it was just milk duds and to lick it off. The kid took a lick and said, “that wasn’t milk duds!!”
    Gross I know! My mother felt bad about that one for a while! 🙂

  13. It would be crappy for me to leave links about blog posts I have written on the matter, but trust me they go over big. People love to hear tales about being locked in a stall where they get to hear a smelly version of “When the Saints Go Marching In” and kids are just little people so… 😉

  14. Oh my gahhhhd it’s to true! Any story with bodily fluid or gas is a blockbuster good-night tale. What in the world??? So glad I’m not alone! Hey will you tell us a bedtime story on a future post please? I’d like to print it and take the night off please : )

  15. There is nothing like a good poop story when you’re a kid. My son, who is 7, can not tell a story of his own without using the phrase “butt cheeks.” He just can’t!

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