Oh, Summer Fashion Style, you are such a damn vixen. Also? Fuck you.
Too harsh? Well, I am pissed. I live in Chicago, and I’ve waited approximately 9 freezing months to frolic in the elements without the casing of a down coat. But now, here comes summer and the siren call of all the summer styles that either don’t work for me or shouldn’t work for me as I round the bend and stare down my fortieth year of life.
Here are the Top 6 trends that I battle every single year. They didn’t work last year and they aren’t going to work this year. Step away, Outlaw Mama, this is not meant for you.
- Jean Jacket: I want one. Don’t judge me; I swear I’m not planning to wear it with jeans. In 2004, I bought one from J. Crew and then gave it away because OMG, who wears jean jackets? In 2005, I bought one from the Gap, and then gave it away soon thereafter, because OMG, I did it again, who wears jean jackets? Every. Single. Year. I want one to wear with gladiator sandals (which I don’t own) and a flowy linen skirt (which will make me look like Mrs. Roper from Three’s Company.) In my mind’s eye this is a must-have, but I know it’s not right. Jean Jacket fantasy, I just can’t quit you.
- Super Short Shorts: *Sigh* Every year I find myself locked in a dressing room with a stack of short shorts. Maybe black will work? Maybe the pink ones? Good Lord take those short white shorts off before I get sick! My thighs do lots of great things, like support me when I’m trying to avoid contact with a public potty. They don’t, however, look great in shorty shorts because of what I’ll call their ample proportion.
- Cray Cray Nail Polish Colors: Oh the fun colors peeking out from everyone’s sandals! Bright cerulean blues and sunflower yellows. Once I get them on my toes, though, it’s bad. Not only does it make my legs look extra pasty white, but I simply can’t pull it off. Instead of looking carefree and whimsical, I look like someone who can’t let go of her youth. (And I can’t, but it let go of me a few years ago when it dropped me on my ass. In a ditch. While I was wearing a jean jacket.)
- Light Cotton Tank Tops With Built-In Bra: I’ve been falling for this one since before I became a nursing mom. Like my thighs, my breasts can do lots of wonderful stuff– like nourish two babies and serve as pillows for my family members– but they can’t stay tucked in a bra sewn into a t-shirt. Not gonna happen.
- Maxi dress: Here’s the part where I throw my breasts under the bus for a second time in one post. Look, retailers, this look won’t work for me especially if you have gathered this little number at the waist. See, that little gathering is where my breasts end so I have to tuck them into your waistline thing. I’m sorry for the garish visual, but that’s how it goes down for me. Literally. I am not wearing clothing that requires me to tuck my breasts in. I have some dignity.
- Platform sandals: I’ve already fallen for this once this year. I thought if I bought sandals that were only two inches high, I’d be able to partake in the summer tradition of wearing “chunky sandals.” Instead, I took part in the summer tradition of falling on your ass when your son throws you a frisbee and you are wearing shoes that are not equipped to allow for a quick pivot to the left.
Don’t get me started on the super-extra-ultra-neon crap that is all over the place. I already have a headache, why do I need migraine jeans to take me to the next level?