6 Summer Style Trends That Can Suck It

Oh, Summer Fashion Style, you are such a damn vixen.  Also?  Fuck you. 

Too harsh? Well, I am pissed.  I live in Chicago, and I’ve waited approximately 9 freezing months to frolic in the elements without the casing of a down coat.  But now, here comes summer and the siren call of all the summer styles that either don’t work for me or shouldn’t work for me as I round the bend and stare down my fortieth year of life.

Not worth tucking in my breasts for (image credit: www.Victoriassecret.com)

Not worth tucking in my breasts (image credit: http://www.Victoriassecret.com)

Here are the Top 6 trends that I battle every single year.  They didn’t work last year and they aren’t going to work this year.  Step away, Outlaw Mama, this is not meant for you.

  1. Jean Jacket: I want one.  Don’t judge me; I swear I’m not planning to wear it with jeans.  In 2004, I bought one from J. Crew and then gave it away because OMG, who wears jean jackets?  In 2005, I bought one from the Gap, and then gave it away soon thereafter, because OMG, I did it again, who wears jean jackets?  Every.  Single. Year.  I want one to wear with gladiator sandals (which I don’t own) and a flowy linen skirt (which will make me look like Mrs. Roper from Three’s Company.)  In my mind’s eye this is a must-have, but I know it’s not right.  Jean Jacket fantasy, I just can’t quit you.
  2. Super Short Shorts: *Sigh*  Every year I find myself locked in a dressing room with a stack of short shorts.  Maybe black will work? Maybe the pink ones?  Good Lord take those short white shorts off before I get sick!  My thighs do lots of great things, like support me when I’m trying to avoid contact with a public potty.  They don’t, however, look great in shorty shorts because of what I’ll call their ample proportion.
  3. Cray Cray Nail Polish Colors: Oh the fun colors peeking out from everyone’s sandals!  Bright cerulean blues and sunflower yellows.  Once I get them on my toes, though, it’s bad.  Not only does it make my legs look extra pasty white, but I simply can’t pull it off.  Instead of looking carefree and whimsical, I look like someone who can’t let go of her youth.  (And I can’t, but it let go of me a few years ago when it dropped me on my ass. In a ditch. While I was wearing a jean jacket.)
  4. Light Cotton Tank Tops With Built-In Bra: I’ve been falling for this one since before I became a nursing mom.  Like my thighs, my breasts can do lots of wonderful stuff– like nourish two babies and serve as pillows for my family members– but they can’t stay tucked in a bra sewn into a t-shirt.  Not gonna happen. 
  5. Maxi dress: Here’s the part where I throw my breasts under the bus for a second time in one post.  Look, retailers, this look won’t work for me especially if you have gathered this little number at the waist.  See, that little gathering is where my breasts end so I have to tuck them into your waistline thing.  I’m sorry for the garish visual, but that’s how it goes down for me.  Literally.  I am not wearing clothing that requires me to tuck my breasts in.  I have some dignity.
  6. Platform sandals: I’ve already fallen for this once this year.  I thought if I bought sandals that were only two inches high, I’d be able to partake in the summer tradition of wearing “chunky sandals.”  Instead, I took part in the summer tradition of falling on your ass when your son throws you a frisbee and you are wearing shoes that are not equipped to allow for a quick pivot to the left.

Don’t get me started on the super-extra-ultra-neon crap that is all over the place.  I already have a headache, why do I need migraine jeans to take me to the next level?


62 thoughts on “6 Summer Style Trends That Can Suck It

  1. The migraine jeans? Look FABULOUS paired with a jean jacket. 🙂

    I hate summer fashion too, because everything is strappy and asking to be worn braless, and there is NO way that me going braless is a good thing for anybody.

  2. I love these! Can I also take a minute to complain about the fact that in NYC it seems to have gone from “need a coat” weather to “need a twice daily shower” weather overnight. WTH? Not a fan.

    I actually have a jean jacket from Theory that I wear constantly. I bought it maybe 5-8 years ago but have convinced myself that it’s a classic. If it’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

    The last one is really the clincher for me. Oh how those platform sandals get me every year. I’ve suffered more than one sprained ankle from those suckers.

  3. These are all so true! I wonder if any real woman can actually wear any of these things?? And I have a similar jean jacket fantasy. I think it all stems back to the fact that I begged for a Guess jean jacket in high school, and my mother would never buy me one. I saved up my money and finally got a last-season one from a discount store, but it never felt quite right.

    • Yes, fucking Guess jeans fucked me up for life. I saved for the damn jeans but didn’t have the money for the jacket. I ended up one season with a belted sleeveless thingy— oh the memory burns my brain.

  4. I try every summer to channel Mary Louise Parker’s character from Weeds: Jean jacket over sundress with Western style boots. It looked stupid last summer, but this summer, since I’m down 35 pounds, I think I can almost pull it off. But I refuse to deal pot. That’s a pretty bad idea…

    • Yes, that’s exactly the sort of Western/ethereal look that I love too. I am telling myself I am not “willowy” enough for it. And let’s skip the dealing pot part….down 35 pounds???? What the what?

      • Stress diet. I’m down 35 pounds since mid-January when I gots me heart broked and stomped on. I don’t recommend it as an effective weight loss technique. And I’ve really got another 30 pounds to go before I hit the *top* of my ideal body weight range. Those pounds will have to come off the old fashioned hard work way.

      • I actually stopped myself from gushing because I imagined that some of those pounds were tears and heartache and that’s a really hard ass way to lose weight. God bless your heart that still beats with the fire of a thousand suns.

  5. I feel you. I’ve been trying to work on my sewing skills so that I can make stuff that fits my body type since I appear to be wider than I am tall. 😦 …I also went through the jean jacket turmoil. I kept attempting to purchase one, but thought it would be ridiculous since the last time I wore one was in 8th grade at St. Monica (I LOVED my GUESS jacket!). After a while, I finally bought one, and then another, and another, but never could muster the courage to wear any of them….until one day I had nothing to wear because EVERYTHING was dirty. So I threw on my maxi dress (purchased in a “petite” size to fit my not so petite 5’4″ frame) grabbed my jean jacket and went out to face the world. And, you know what? No one laughted or pointed at me that day, so I decided I could rock that look. 😉 P.S. Built-in Bras SUCK! If those work for you then you don’t really need a bra.

  6. Also? I have untoned upper arms. I CANNOT wear sleeveless tops or dresses. I need sleeves, people! There aren’t many options for me other than the awesome all purpose Costco tshirts. 😦

  7. Love this post. I am just a few summer bbq’s from hitting 40 this year and my problem is that my mirror is a liar. I look in my mirror at home and it shows this still skinny, hot, fashionable young lady. Then I get to the store to try on that adorable maxi dress and their mirrors show a much different person who has boobs and a tummy that are badges of honor of my 3 babies, but most definitely aren’t the same as my mind tricks me into seeing at home. But like you, I keep trying. Probably always will.

    • I have that too. It happened on Sunday. I thought I looked cute and colorful, but when I got where I was going it was sort of garish and I felt like a cartoon character. I hate that disconnect.

      On Wed, May 22, 2013 at 10:46 AM, Outlaw Mama

  8. bought 5 – yes 5 – fabulous maxi dresses at the gap!! and guess what? they’d look great with a little jean jacket!!! check it out. just don’t wear it to the same thing i do. 😉

    • Five? one two three four five? Now I gotta go by the Gap and check it out. I will report back and then die of envy at your fashion sense.

      On Wed, May 22, 2013 at 11:00 AM, Outlaw Mama

      • i’d send you a picture! i have a few in solid and a few patterned. they are cotton, comfy, flattering and perfect for everything. i actually have an essay in my drafts about how i’m wearing these dresses and everyone is acting like i’m going to the ball. obviously, my gym clothes aren’t cutting it.

      • Girl, ima need to see those dresses. I am working hard not to say that you are cuter than I am and you have a better figure but that woudl be self-deprecating and maybe creepy. So I won’t do that.

        On Wed, May 22, 2013 at 11:34 AM, Outlaw Mama

  9. Isn’t 40 fun? I am REALLY short waisted – I think there are like 3 inches between my boobs and my belly button (while wearing a good bra!!) – so Maxi dresses OUT. So are short shorts cause I dont like my thighs rubbing together and people being able to see it, I try to pull off platform sandals cause I sit most of the day. I agree with you about “cool” nailpolish colors, I just look like a ghoul that forgot to take off her nailpolish after Halloween, the built in bra…if you have boobs at all…”nough said – and the jean jacket…well…don’t worry I want one too. If enough of us 40-somethings do it…maybe we will start our own trend.

  10. Dude, can anybody wear those tank tops with the built-in bra? I’m a long-time member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee and even I can’t wear them. They’re great in theory, but they create uni-boob. (Or “boob loaf” as I like to call it) And when it gets cold, fuhgeddaboutit. Visi-nips pointing straight ahead.

    And yeah, the neon… Ugh! It was bad enough in the 80s!

    • Did you just introduce me to the greatest term ever– boob loaf? I’ve been telling my daughter that we say “breast” and not “boob,” even though I am giant hypocrite. But boob loaf? Come on! That’s so descriptive and perfect I can’t NOT adopt this.

      On Wed, May 22, 2013 at 11:53 AM, Outlaw Mama

  11. I went shopping for shorts this morning. I left the store empty-handed, came home, and proceeded to eat my feelings. I may or may not leave the couch. *hate summer*

  12. Ha! I’m with you on Maxi dresses and built-in-bras! Don’t. Work. For. Me. I’m gonna keep my age-inappropriate crazy toenail polish and platforms. I firmly believe you could rock some short shorts. I’m also too old for those but I do it anyway.
    I thank fashion every day for colored denim. I’ll be super sad when it’s out.

  13. Oh, I love this.
    Platform sandals, like stilettos, have always both intrigued and terrified me, but my weirdly-shaped feet prevent me trying. Jelly shoes could work, though.
    Super-short-shorts have been out since about age 17 and I shudder to imagine them anywhere near me now.
    I TOTALLY wore those built-in bra tank tops in my 20s, and I still have them. Why can’t I get rid of them now that my boobs and upper arms have doubled in size? Don’t know.
    I have a jean jacket with sparkly buttons that I REFUSE to believe looks stupid, because *I* feel cool in it. I think it stems from the fact that I always coveted jean jackets in the 80s but was too poor/dorky to have one.
    And I have convinced myself that awesome toenail colours are the perfect way to hang onto my youth, because they can be KICKY AND FUN without being so obvious that the actual young ‘uns will think I’m trying too hard.

  14. AT 4’11′”, the maxi dress, well…devours me! And since I don’t have *any* breasts to speak of (talking about throwing breasts under the bus – I should look for mine under a bus because they are certainly not attached to my body!) The tops of those cute dresses are always hanging material where my boobs are supposed to be. Yup. I am feeling the hostility with you.

  15. OMG. You have named the 6 trends you will never see on me.

    Maxi Dress – I’ve already lived through the 70’s and made fun of it. Can’t go back.

    Nail Polish – I don’t want to drag my ass to get a pedicure and spend the next month staring at my toes and thinking how stupid I look.

    Platform sandals – I already have tendonitis, and I don’t need yet another reason for physical therapy.

    Short Shorts & tanks with bras – you covered that well: thighs and boobs.

    Jean Jacket: I gave mine away after the 80’s (see maxi dress) and also it’s too fucking hot!

  16. No way – I’ve also wanted a jean jacket and a maxi dress for the past several summers and can’t pull off either one! I’ve seen all these great jean jackets on stylish women yet whenever I try one on I look like my 9 year old daughter. And not in a happy sort of way (think short and saggy). I may still have to get a maxi dress this year if only so I don’t have to shave my legs this summer. Fun post!!

  17. Jean Jacket: I have one in my closet. I love it. But I barely wear it because it hits right above my butt. And I cannot lie – I have a Big Butt.

    Super Short Shorts: See above. See also: large pale thighs and misshapen knees.

    Cray Cray Nail Polish Colors: I WILL ROCK THEM TILL I DIE. My toes can look cute in bright colors. Screw the haters. Though my fingernails will always be a lovely shade of pink called “Angelic” by Revlon.

    Light Cotton Tank Tops With Built-In Bra: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. NO. 46DDD boobs don’t fit in those things. Add in gravity and it just gets worse.

    Maxi dress: Oh yes, let me allow my boobs to flop out of the tops while the skirt makes my butt look even bigger. That’s SUCH a good look! Blah.

    Platform sandals: My feet constantly ache from working on the concrete floors of Home Depot (which is otherwise an AMAZING job). Let’s not throw painfully hard, clunky, non-supportive shoes onto my poor feet. Besides, I’m already 5’9. I’m tall enough. And I have horrible balance and bad knees. I’ll pass.

    • PS ~ For anyone who thinks I’m being sarcastic about my job, I’m totally not. I truly do love my job. I just wish the floors were a little less painful to stand on, that’s all!

  18. It will now take everything I have not to picture you as Mrs. Roper when I read your stories.
    Because I think she tucked her breasts into both maxi dresses and into the linen skirt that will go with your jean jacket fantasy.

    OMG, who wears a jean jacket?

  19. I thought I was the only one who couldn’t do the nail polish or the short shorts!!! And I saw someone on the altar being a eucharistic minister this weekend in a jean jacket and thought of YOU!

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