Butt Crunch Pretzels: Why We Wear Clothes At The Table (Now)

We’re into naked at my house.  By “we”, I mean Sadie and by “into” I mean she likes to do everything in her birthday suit.  Tolerance, I have it, but I draw the line at eating meals naked. It’s too Raising Arizona for me, which may not make sense to you, but OMG, my kid has to wear clothes to the table. Period.  The end.

Except.

Well, sometimes I get a little lazy at breakfast.  On the mornings I go to work, I punt, thinking “let the nanny deal with it; that’s why we pay her.”  On the mornings that I am home, I punt, thinking “let’s not ruin a happy morning with a power struggle.”  (Yes, the parenting manual is coming out soon, just working on the final proofs.)

But it only took one incident to shock and disgust the lazy right out of me.

As I remember it, Sadie was sitting on a stool au natural as I was making breakfast.  I know that none of YOU are the judgmental types (except maybe you, YOU’RE always judging me), so I can tell you that Sadie was drinking milk and eating pretzels and avocado.

Because I was busy like a boss making shit happen in my kitchen, I was not paying that much attention to what my children were actually doing.

“Mommy?” Sadie asked, innocently enough.

“Yes.”

“Did you hear that?”

“What?” I said, still not suspicious.

“I just put some pretzels on the stool and then I sat on them.  I crunched them into little pieces.”

Powers of speech failed me, because I could see her chewing. Pretzels.

“Mommy?”

“Yes?”

“Now, I am eating them.”

*speechless*

“Mommy, want one?”

“No thanks.”

I guess I should be glad she didn’t try to make guacamole with her butt and then dip her pretzels into it.  (Me– always with the bright side.)

Thanks to the butt crunched pretzels we have a new and necessary iron clad rule around here. No clothes, no food.  I’ve been heard to say “If I can see your genitals, you can’t have a snack.”  Other chesnuts that have passed my lips, include, “Get your hands off your penis if you want a popsicle,” and “Let’s not put couscous in our vagina, m’kay?”

I knew these days were coming– days when my kids would gross me out in ways far exceeding their full newborn diapers.  I was hoping it would be puberty scenarios that would shock my conscience.  But my three-year old’s butt crunched pretzels have ushered in not only new house rules, but a new era in our house, one that assures me I will be grossed out time and again.  Also? I predict we’ll dispel the myth that boys are “grosser” than girls.  If I am raising her right, my daughter will be as gross as any boy her age.

To that I say, Bring it! (Just wear some pants, please.)

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33 thoughts on “Butt Crunch Pretzels: Why We Wear Clothes At The Table (Now)

  1. So funny, I am crying. I can’t wait for the Outlaw Mama parenting manual – if it’s filled with nuggets like this I am buying one for every baby shower I attend. I know I’ve said it before but I love that Sadie girl. I can’t wait for my C to come up with stuff like this which I know is inevitable given how often I find her in her crib with her pants and diaper thrown out in protest before falling asleep like an angel.

  2. Pretzels and avocado is a rocking combination, so she definitely has that going for her. I’m about as far from a germ-freak as you can get, but even I would draw the line at butt-crunched pretzels.

    • Right? I am not germy at all. I carry hand sanitizer to look like I care, but I don’t and I rarely use it. But this was a place I draw the line. It’s nice to have standards.

  3. so funny! so really? they sit at the table sans undies? that is brave. we are regular diners in our underpants but that’s where i draw the line. i save the nakedness for all the disco parties!

  4. Oh wow. So this is what I have to look forward to…although, I have a huge hang up with letting my 15 month old run around unclothed. I can’t stand it if he’s in just a diaper. It’s a personal issue, dating back to childhood in the deep south, but my kid is clothed at all times except for the 20 or so minutes he’s in the tub.

    At the same time, I’m doing one of my 2 fasting days today and I have to admit that butt-crunched pretzel don’t sound half bad.

  5. I love your “no clothes, no food” rule. I have seen things at my house too that far exceeded any mishap I have ever imagined in my pre parenting days that involved either food and/or nudity. Who knew? This is hilarious by the way.

  6. At moments like this, my mantra is “ANTIBODIES”. It makes me feel better about everything.
    Also, isn’t it great the things we find ourselves saying? Such as “Would you rather play with your cars or your penis right now? It’s one or the other.”

  7. Make It Stop. I Cannot Take It. Tears Are Running Down My Face. That Story Is freakin’ Hilarious! I Love Sadie, She Sounds Like So Much Fun. She’s My Kinda Girl.
    P.S. I Have No Idea Why My Phone Is Capitalizing Ever Damn Word…Ugh!!!

  8. I will think of the mental images conjured up by this post next time some self-righteous saccharine pedaled busts out with, “Beautiful, sweet innocent children bring joy and wholesomeness to my every waking hour.” Yes. Joy, wholesomeness, and butt pretzels.

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