7 Ways I Relieve Stress And An Elevator Pitch That Involves My Vagina and Costco

July is kicking my ass. Hard. Like with a metal-toed boot hard.  Work is stressful, we are moving early next month, my husband had surgery on his mouth (which I get to milk on my blog), my therapist is out of town for 14 days, and I am pretty sure I’m going to die of anxiety. Never heard of that? Well, I’ll be the first so you’ll see my picture in the Wikipedia entry for “very first woman to die of anxiety poisoning.”

The author. Feel sorry for me.

The author. Feel sorry for me.

Worst of all, I’m behind on everything.  Who isn’t, right?  But it’s compounding my feeling of stress to be behind on things I am normally on top of.  Dr. Phil (or maybe that old guy from Kung Fu) says you should write stuff down so you can see in black and white all the things you have to do– then you can gain mastery over the anxiety.

But I’ve never been that good at taking advice, especially when I am anxious.  I like to do things my own damn way, thankyouverymuch, and it never works, but maybe this time the following 7 things that I do to manage stress will help me manage and master it (no they won’t):

1. Pudding. Chocolate. Straight from the high shelf in the fridge– you know the one with the hinged door where you are supposed to put butter.  That’s where I hide the chocolate pudding from my children.  This month we’re going fat-free because let’s face it, I’ma be eating lots of it.

2. Nordstrom Rack. Oh to lose myself in the junked up aisles of NR.  It stills my mind to wade among Free People t-shirts and Joe’s jeans (in size 24).  Considering that one of the things I am behind on is my Nordstrom’s bill, this little activity is about to hit a big fat curtailment.

3. Sex.  Look, I am just going to say it even though you’ll all be jealous.  I have tons and tons of sex when I am anxious.  Fueled by passion and pudding, I just can’t be stopped.  Husband’s surgery is complicating this too, so I am extra on edge.

4. Lying. Like how I just said I have lots of sex when I am stressed.  See that? LYING.

5. Run.  I love to lace up my Brooks shoes and hit the pavement– running through my hood dodging the ice cream man, the thuggish kids out on the prowl, and trying not to drown in the water gushing from fire hydrants that have been illegally tapped.  Running for my life takes my mind of my problems.

6. Picking fights.  My dear friends know this about me. I get testy when stressed and I pick fights with other people, hoping the rifts in my social life will distract me from the pain of anxiety.  Luckily, I am perfectly charming when not stressed.

7. Crying. Tears, tears, and more tears.  How they flow when I am stressed. Stubbed my toe? Time to cry.  Lost the house key? Water works.  Forgot to buy pudding? I’m dehydrated from crying so hard.

Come to think of it, being stressed is a lot like having PMS.

* * *

Also, I am behind on Yeah Write’s 31 days to a better blog.  But by God, I am catching up right now.   Today’s exercise was to make a list.  (See above.)  Yesterday’s exercise was to create a pitch for your blog.  Pithy– like 150 words of pithage.  The idea is to answer the question, what’s your blog about to someone who may only be asking to be nice (and won’t really be listening). Like your mom.

The gay Outlaw Mama. Image credit: www.wbur.org

The gay male Outlaw Mama. Image credit: http://www.wbur.org

Here’s my pitch:

What the hell is Outlaw Mama all about?

ANSWER: If David Sedaris was a straight, married, mother-of-two with a near lethal-obsession with Costco and a deeply ambivalent relationship to his law degree, he’d be Outlaw Mama.  But since I went to law school, and I have a vagina, offspring, and a Costco card, I get to play the part of Outlaw Mama and give lots of advice on how not to do almost everything.

What do you think?

(Now, I’m all caught up at least on blogging. Now to pay that Nordstrom’s bill.)


48 thoughts on “7 Ways I Relieve Stress And An Elevator Pitch That Involves My Vagina and Costco

  1. love the pitch. you could totally sell a female sedaris. nice. also, totally relating to your stressed out july and it’s only the 2nd. i’m soo behind. and i can’t even get my kid to camp!! trying to write a list now! and it should be, reasons why i should be going to bed instead of writing a list!

  2. An even pithier pitch would be “Fueled by passion and pudding, I just can’t be stopped.” I’d read that blog. (If I didn’t already.) PLUS, what are illegally tapped fire hydrants for if not to relieve dehydrated stressed-out runner moms?

    SO MUCH relate to this post. Coping skills not so awesome in dilovelyville. And I read the sex point and was like – whoa! Maybe she’s onto something, maybe I should manage to have sex more than an average of 0.5 times a month or whatever… and then the next point made me laugh out loud AND feel better about myself. So that was awesome.

    Hope you don’t mind I seem to have been totally stalking you today. (It also means I’ve been uselessly hovering around my email inbox like I do when I’m stressed.)

  3. Oh my god, YES – You are a female David Sedaris! (And he’s the BEST. Although I haven’t read his latest collection yet. I’m saving it for when I’m stressed. I’ll read it soon enough.) As always, you made me laugh. Until I read #4, I was wondering what your husband does to maintain your stress level. Very clever writing.

  4. This post made me laugh. A much needed laugh, I might add. Thank you! Hilariously written. I feel your pain — anxiety that is. I’ve got my own version of pain at the moment — although it may be called numb. Either way, I’m glad I’m not alone in the process and sure appreciate the humor Outlawmama provides to my otherwise ho-hum day!!!! Comparison to David Sadaris is rocking right on!!!! Good luck and here’s to lots of chocolate pudding and enjoyable sex! Love you, T

  5. Uh, yeah, I do all of the above when stressed, only replace the “pudding” with “ice cream.” Also, love the pitch. 😉

  6. I love me some David Sedaris! I do however hate me some anxiety. Ugh seriously the crying.. have you ever cried harder because you’re crying which in turn makes you mad because you were crying for no reason in the first place so now you can’t stop crying? No? Just me?

  7. Two posts in one – I have to remember that, because I’m already super-anxious about missing any of the blog assignments and we are going camping this weekend and there is no internet in the Canadian bush and fuck where is that pudding?
    Ahhh. – I haven’t been to your blog in a while and I don’t even know why because I love it!

  8. You’re hilarious. Is it wrong to say I like your posts better when your therapist is out of town? Since I don’t have a therapist, I exist in your crying, running, pudding world. Except for me it’s crying, running, and gummy cola bottles. Mmmmmmm. Stress is yummy.

  9. This summer has been crazy around here too. Though we are only remodeling — not moving. Ouch. That’s tough. And I didn’t get to exercise today. I can’t resist the chips when I don’t move my body. Hang in there.

  10. Hilarious! And I totally get it. Except I’d never buy fat-free pudding. All the fat is a lot more soothing. Until nothing from Nordstrom Rack fits and my belly’s too full of pudding to run. Or have sex. I’m amazed that July has developed such a reputation in two short days. June you can have. I’m counting on July to keep my new leaf turned over. Your plate sounds rather full but you’ll get through it. And we’ll get some funny stories out of it. 😉

  11. You are hilarious!!! Funniest thing I’ve read in forever, I honestly laughed out loud at the sex and the lying. I LOVE your elevator pitch – people always want to know what they can expect and you paint a perfect picture with the vagina wielding, straight, mother-of-two Sedaris. Good luck with everything on your plate – I will be following along with eager anticipation!!

  12. Oh my gahhhhhh. I’m super stressed too, but without my lists of things to do each day, I’d be a mess. I like your list much mo better than mine today. Oven cleaning ain’t cool.

  13. So chocolate pudding. Yay. I myself am partial to shortbread. Not to be confused with sweetbreads.
    Moving on. I initially read “costco” as “crisco,” and so then the whole vagina thing … there was just a wholly different context there.
    Pitch: funny as hell. But the second sentence–you sort of repeat the hilarity of the first. What if you did something like “But he has none of these things and I have all of these things, so *I* am the Outlaw Mama.” (the asterisk is to indicate italics, you know, for emphasis). Or something like that. I don’t know what’s in that pudding, lady, but you kick some writerly ass.

    • I agree. I sense a redundancy there too. I like your suggestion. Gonna keep tinkering. ARe you coming to Blogher? Have we covered this and I forgot? I hope you do. I’ll miss you if not.

  14. I think I like lying better than sex when I’m stressed. And most other times too. So there’s that. Then, the David Sedaris thing – genius. He’ll be knocking on your door/phone/twitter/etc any minute. But you’ll be too busy having sex to answer so now you’re really screwed which can only lead to more anxiety. It’s a vicious circle. So no more sex for you. Fantastic list and pitch (perfect both in and out of elevators – which is no small feat!).

  15. Having just survived one myself, I think moving causes anxiety that no levels of therapy can help. I do believe in the power of chocolate pudding, though. 😉

    Your elevator pitch made me laugh out loud. I say, go with it. So glad to be back here reading your words!

  16. Look. I love your blog. You must accept and trust in that before reading the next sentence, which is: I give you permission to blog less. There’s so much to do. Really, your success as a writer and a person does not ride on daily posts. Miss a few. Miss a lot. We (your readers) will still be here.

  17. Pingback: Feature Friday: Outlaw Mama | Stuphblog

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