July is kicking my ass. Hard. Like with a metal-toed boot hard. Work is stressful, we are moving early next month, my husband had surgery on his mouth (which I get to milk on my blog), my therapist is out of town for 14 days, and I am pretty sure I’m going to die of anxiety. Never heard of that? Well, I’ll be the first so you’ll see my picture in the Wikipedia entry for “very first woman to die of anxiety poisoning.”
Worst of all, I’m behind on everything. Who isn’t, right? But it’s compounding my feeling of stress to be behind on things I am normally on top of. Dr. Phil (or maybe that old guy from Kung Fu) says you should write stuff down so you can see in black and white all the things you have to do– then you can gain mastery over the anxiety.
But I’ve never been that good at taking advice, especially when I am anxious. I like to do things my own damn way, thankyouverymuch, and it never works, but maybe this time the following 7 things that I do to manage stress will help me manage and master it (no they won’t):
1. Pudding. Chocolate. Straight from the high shelf in the fridge– you know the one with the hinged door where you are supposed to put butter. That’s where I hide the chocolate pudding from my children. This month we’re going fat-free because let’s face it, I’ma be eating lots of it.
2. Nordstrom Rack. Oh to lose myself in the junked up aisles of NR. It stills my mind to wade among Free People t-shirts and Joe’s jeans (in size 24). Considering that one of the things I am behind on is my Nordstrom’s bill, this little activity is about to hit a big fat curtailment.
3. Sex. Look, I am just going to say it even though you’ll all be jealous. I have tons and tons of sex when I am anxious. Fueled by passion and pudding, I just can’t be stopped. Husband’s surgery is complicating this too, so I am extra on edge.
4. Lying. Like how I just said I have lots of sex when I am stressed. See that? LYING.
5. Run. I love to lace up my Brooks shoes and hit the pavement– running through my hood dodging the ice cream man, the thuggish kids out on the prowl, and trying not to drown in the water gushing from fire hydrants that have been illegally tapped. Running for my life takes my mind of my problems.
6. Picking fights. My dear friends know this about me. I get testy when stressed and I pick fights with other people, hoping the rifts in my social life will distract me from the pain of anxiety. Luckily, I am perfectly charming when not stressed.
7. Crying. Tears, tears, and more tears. How they flow when I am stressed. Stubbed my toe? Time to cry. Lost the house key? Water works. Forgot to buy pudding? I’m dehydrated from crying so hard.
Come to think of it, being stressed is a lot like having PMS.
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Also, I am behind on Yeah Write’s 31 days to a better blog. But by God, I am catching up right now. Today’s exercise was to make a list. (See above.) Yesterday’s exercise was to create a pitch for your blog. Pithy– like 150 words of pithage. The idea is to answer the question, what’s your blog about to someone who may only be asking to be nice (and won’t really be listening). Like your mom.
Here’s my pitch:
What the hell is Outlaw Mama all about?
ANSWER: If David Sedaris was a straight, married, mother-of-two with a near lethal-obsession with Costco and a deeply ambivalent relationship to his law degree, he’d be Outlaw Mama. But since I went to law school, and I have a vagina, offspring, and a Costco card, I get to play the part of Outlaw Mama and give lots of advice on how not to do almost everything.
What do you think?
(Now, I’m all caught up at least on blogging. Now to pay that Nordstrom’s bill.)