When I first accepted my current job, I knew the transition from being home to working in an office would take some time. I focused on the positives of returning to an office. The number one positive in my mind was not the paycheck or the stimulating work. It was the chance to pee alone. I pictured myself behind a locked stall door taking my own sweet time without having any little people come in and ask me where licorice comes from or whether I’d be serving ice cream sandwiches for lunch.
And, then reality caught up with me. Turns out my bathroom situation at work doesn’t quite measure up to my fantasies. And while I am grateful for a job that affords me the opportunity to avail myself of such modern conveniences as running water and flushing toilets, there are days when I can’t help but note the drawbacks. And I’ve selected my favorites to share with you today. You’re welcome.
- Public. Do I seem like a populace-loving person? Because I’m not. I fall more on the misanthropic end of the spectrum. So, sharing a bathroom with the public is somewhat . . . humbling for me. It’s fine if someone wants to duck into my favorite stall to eat Quaker granola bars and slur obscenities into a flip phone, while I am mere feet away trying to void my bladder. I mean, I guess it’s fine. She didn’t ask me to wipe her ass so I guess it’s still better than the bathroom at home.
- One-ply toilet paper. I know, I know, I’m such a Cinderella, all clamoring for toilet paper that actually absorbs fluids without leaving a rash on my tender bits. But I’d like that. I’ve considered bringing my own two-ply, but then I’d have to share with, well, the Public.
- Soap. Ok, now I’m just being a generic princess, but tell me how you like to wash your hands with a practically microscopic dollop of soap that has the texture of cotton candy, only to get back to your desk to find that your hands now smell like dirty flip flops. You like that? Well, you are welcome to swing by and use the bathroom so long as you are a member of the Public.
- That metal thingy. OK, I hope my mom isn’t reading this, because I swear she taught me better than this. But, ladies, you know there are certain times of the month when you have to put your personal effects not in the toilet but in that metal container? In our bathroom (by “our” I mean me and every member of the human race), those little metal things are rigged so that two adjacent stalls share them, because there is an opening on both sides. Can you picture this? EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. that I have had the pleasure of dealing with those metal contraptions, it falls out of its opening with a gigantic CLANG! and everything inside of it falls towards my feet. And that’s all I’m going to say about that because I’m a lady and I can’t begin to describe this in more detail without grossing myself out.
- Self-flushing toilet. I don’t like it at the airport and I don’t like it at the office. You know what I’m talking about, right? You’re mid-stream and suddenly the toilet flushes, spraying you with your own waste products. I’m a grown ass woman, why can’t I decide when to flush the toilet?
- Cleaning schedule. My tiny, shriveled up heart is full of gratitude that someone cleans the bathrooms. I mean that honestly. It’s just that, I have a habit of waiting until I have to go really, REALLY badly and then I race to the bathroom only to find that the cleaning crew has set up shop and blocked the door with a yellow sandwich board thing that says “DO NOT ENTER.” I feel bad vaulting over the sign and disturbing their work flow, so I have to take an elevator to another floor to take care of my business. Guess what? Last night I had to try four different floors before I could an unobstructed bathroom. Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve had two babies and I drink a lot of water. Taking three elevator rides to find a bathroom is not pretty. For anyone.
I could go on, but that’s enough. You get the picture. My suggestion is that before you take your next job, get a good understanding of how your bathroom situation will be so that you can adjust your fantasies accordingly.