I Swear I’m Not Hysterically Crying Because I’m Stressed

I’m handling the move just fine.  Really. I’m fine.  What’s there to be stressed about? Those 30 cardboard boxes on my dining room table? Why would that be stressful? They are all broken down.

Proof I'm not stressed: Stressed people don't post pictures of cutie pie cats.  Image credit: http://www.desura.com/groups/cat-lovers/images/stress-cat

Proof I’m not stressed: Stressed people don’t post pictures of cutie pie cats. Image credit: http://www.desura.com/groups/cat-lovers/images/stress-cat

Oh, that thing about how Costco is no longer a mile away, but now is like 4.5 miles away down a long, dark road? Why would that be stressful? Just because my happy place remains just out of reach for the foreseeable future and my will to live has evaporated like so much chimera.

Nope. Not stressed.

The dry cleaners doesn’t have candy for my kids so I had to deal with their tandem tantrums upon depositing my dry cleaning yesterday.  That wasn’t stressful.  Who doesn’t want to introduce themselves to the neighborhood by having their children break the sound barrier down one of the most famous streets in all of Chicago? (Michigan Avenue)

It’s not remotely stressful to not know where that box with my workout clothes is.  Who needs to work out when she is SO CLEARLY not stressed?  And the fact that Jeff and I have traded off unpacking the kitchen, which has resulted in both of us instituting systems that as of yet appear to be incompatible? What’s the big deal? He thinks that oven mitts go where I am positive the sixteen spatulas he insisted we keep should go.  That’s not stressful; it’s a marital challenge.  Like Biggest Loser for couples, except I am pretty sure I am gaining weight, but not from stress eating.

Because I am not stressed.

Maybe you heard that I spent 20 minutes crying in therapy because the stupid fucking sellers of our new house didn’t leave us a mail key and I am fixated on an out-of-print writing book I ordered and a sizable check that is currently lost in the bowels of the postal system of this great country.  It wasn’t stressful at all when the management company told us we had to hire a locksmith to get into our mailroom.  Those tears weren’t stress.  They were tears of pity for the sellers who have wreaked havoc on our lives since we first spotted this home and entwined our lives with their for the span of time it took to buy their house.  Bless their hearts.

Ahem.

So, yeah, totally not stressed.  There is not an emergency stash of chocolate Clif Bars (because they are “healthy” and also: Chocolate) in my bathroom closet just in case I need a fix as I wade through this decidedly not stressful time of my life.  (And I certainly haven’t eaten more than half the box in my first 4 days here. (They come 12 to a pack.)).

I’ve been rolling with the little moguls that life has put in my path.  Laid back, I’d call myself.  Sadie slathered her arms and legs with Desitin and then walked all over our new floors.  That’s cool, honey, I’m so happy you did that experiment. What did you learn?  I’m psyched about Simon’s new hobby, which I believe is best referred to as “pediatric kleptomania.”  Now I’ve got a mini van full of toys that don’t belong to us and a kitchen decorated with white footprints that smell like ass cream from the fucking devil.

It’s all part of the magical, colorful tapestry that is my life.  And it’s not stressful so if you see me losing my ever-living shit in the near future, please know I am not stressed.  I’m just crying tears of wonder and joy that all this is mine.  Mine all mine.

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39 thoughts on “I Swear I’m Not Hysterically Crying Because I’m Stressed

  1. Hope you get settled soon! It is so stressful, and this post could have been a page from my journal over the last few weeks. Good luck!

  2. I’m sorry it’s so stressful and that the hard parts are still going on. Moving really does suck. Somehow, in spite of empathizing, you got me to laugh out loud twice from your post.

  3. On Friday afternoon, because I wasn’t stressed, I did that thing where I was laughing so hard that tears were rolling down my face and then I was no longer laughing but crying hysterically. You are a genius for having a stash of chocolate on hand. I still have so much to learn from you.

  4. I’m not stressed either. I haven’t just interviewed half a dozen daycare providers for the twins because I’m not starting my new job next Tuesday. And I haven’t lost my shizzle because Scott has selected as a juror for a trial that is supposed to last a flipping month. And I am definitely not stressed that all four kids and I have strep throat. And it is easy-peasy trying to figure out how all the moving parts work to get me and the kids where we need to be every day for the rest of forever.

    Let’s be not stressed together! You can eat the chocolate Clif bars. I’ll just drink wine because my throat is too swollen to allow me to eat anything thicker than liquid. I think this will work nicely!

  5. This is hilarious. I mean, I’m not laughing at your lack of stress, just the prose.
    Good luck, and internet hugs. (If I were in your position, I’d have hyperventilated at least twice, so you’re holding up remarkably well)

  6. We are in sync–I moved back last week as well! I’ve moved past the denial and I don’t have boxes for another 4 weeks! We woke up first morning at 2:30, second at 4, third morning at 4:30, fourth morning at 6, then regressed back to 5! I cried to a stranger in Target because she had an English accent! My kids said it was embarrassing– I said these are “happy” tears. I was overwhelmed that we have left that sweet, innocent bubble of 3 years in that UK village and now I’ve thrown us into the frenzied consumerism craziness. All I’ve said is “no” you can’t have that over and over again!

    So, even without the boxes and even going back to your old house is stressful. It is one of the top 10 Life Events that cause stress. 🙂
    Get the kitchen and their rooms done first–moving with kids is great. Give them both some boxes and they will have a ball!

    Good luck!

  7. Things that helped me when I was “not stressed” last November: ordering pizza from a different place every night when I had no kitchen to find the best one that would deliver to me, watching TV all night long to distract me from the disaster zone that was my new house, throwing boxes I didn’t need right away into our “office” and closing the door to minimize unpacking (almost a year later and they’re still there and I don’t care), and reading copious “happy ending” romance novels filled with love, sex and beautiful people.

    It gets better, sweet friend.

  8. Moving is the WORST! My youngest suffered quite a bit in the move including eating paint, and possibly feeling the need to throw my iPod touch in the trash. I love that he did that. Really, I do. We survived though. Good luck. Chocolate ALWAYS helps.

  9. Aww girl! Moving is so stressful. Hang in there! And medicate with chocolate as much as you need to! P.S. cracking up at “pediatric kleptomania.” We have so many of the boy next door’s toys in our place, it’s not even funny.

  10. Thanks for clearing up the mistaken impression someone might get that you are stressed. In the unlikely event you DO become stressed, may I suggest a visit to The Cheesecake Factory in the basement of the Hancock Bldg on Michigan?

  11. You think the stressful part is over because, hey, it all got packed and moved here, right? But it’s even more stressful unpacking it all and finding space for it, and you don’t have a definite deadline (like when you have to be out of the house you’re selling) to kick you in the butt, so it can go on for years. You have every right to not be stressed.

    • Ha! I am finding you are totally right about this. This week I just ignore those boxes…step around and keep on going. They are going to be “furniture” soon.

      On Tue, Aug 27, 2013 at 10:01 AM, Outlaw Mama

  12. Have I told you how I feel about moving? I HATE it. I will live in my current home until I downsize into something much, much smaller, or I move to San Diego (into something hopefully smaller), or I die. That is how much I hate moving. Many hugs. It’s hard. Hope you’re settled soon.

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