Here’s everything I know about window treatments:
- You need them on your bedroom windows if you want to walk around in your birthday suit.
- If you buy a house with zero window treatments, you should adjust your budget accordingly ASAP or you will never have sex again.
- If you don’t have them in the kitchen, your neighbors will see you feeding your children Pirate’s Booty for breakfast,
lunch and dinner.
- You may start skipping those extra servings of ice cream you hide in the freezer because EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU.
- They are incredibly expensive.
- I’m obsessed with them.
We moved in to a town home. Town homes are known for their verticality and for being situated rather close to other town homes. For example, there’s a row of town homes 12 feet in front of us and 12-feet behind us. That means we are surrounded by neighbors. I can look out my living room window and see what the other units are watching on TV (Dancing With the Stars) and I can tell when their dinner is over (five minutes after it started).
I am cool with the urban reality of living very close to other people.
And if I get sick of the view, I can just shut the blinds. EXCEPT for we don’t have any. Our new house came with zero window treatments. When we first looked at the house, it was occupied by the previous owners, and they had nothing on the windows except smudges and dust. Curious, right? I’m not sure how you function in your bedroom without window treatments. I guess they never
had sex walked around in their birthday suits. Needless to say, we scrambled to find some temporary Ikea curtains for our master bedroom because a girl’s gotta be able to ambulate nakedly as needed.
The rest of the windows, however, are going to have to wait. I need to catch my breath, collect a few more paychecks, and get my kids in school. I would say that window treatments in the living room and kids’ rooms will probably go up before peace is reached in the Middle East but after Congress resolves the Syrian crisis.
Negative me would be railing against this. It would be an obnoxious, first-world rant about something as trivial as what shit to hang on the windows.
Luckily, positive me is at the helm. I’m actually thrilled there are no window treatments in my kitchen. Let them see me burn tomato sauce so thoroughly that I scorched a Le Creuset dutch oven beyond repair. Let them see that I eat most of my meals with my fingers while standing up.
I’ve lost all pride at this point so why not throw open the scene for all the neighborhood to see?
Tune in tomorrow, when I discover the silver lining of having kids in two different schools, both of which start WEEKS after everyone else. (Hash tag: Why are there no kids over the age of 2 at the park? and My kids are sick of me and I’m sick of them.)