Everything I Know About Window Treatments (I Learned From Not Having Any)

Image credit: wikimedia.com

Image credit: wikimedia.com

Here’s everything I know about window treatments:

  1. You need them on your bedroom windows if you want to walk around in your birthday suit.
  2. If you buy a house with zero window treatments, you should adjust your budget accordingly ASAP or you will never have sex again.
  3. If you don’t have them in the kitchen, your neighbors will see you feeding your children Pirate’s Booty for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
  4. You may start skipping those extra servings of ice cream you hide in the freezer because EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU.
  5. They are incredibly expensive.
  6. I’m obsessed with them.

We moved in to a town home.  Town homes are known for their verticality and for being situated rather close to other town homes.  For example, there’s a row of town homes 12 feet in front of us and 12-feet behind us. That means we are surrounded by neighbors.  I can look out my living room window and see what the other units are watching on TV (Dancing With the Stars) and I can tell when their dinner is over (five minutes after it started). 

I am cool with the urban reality of living very close to other people.

And if I get sick of the view, I can just shut the blinds.  EXCEPT for we don’t have any.  Our new house came with zero window treatments.  When we first looked at the house, it was occupied by the previous owners, and they had nothing on the windows except smudges and dust.  Curious, right? I’m not sure how you function in your bedroom without window treatments. I guess they never had sex walked around in their birthday suits.  Needless to say, we scrambled to find some temporary Ikea curtains for our master bedroom because a girl’s gotta be able to ambulate nakedly as needed.

The rest of the windows, however, are going to have to wait.  I need to catch my breath, collect a few more paychecks, and get my kids in school.  I would say that window treatments in the living room and kids’ rooms will probably go up before peace is reached in the Middle East but after Congress resolves the Syrian crisis.

Negative me would be railing against this.  It would be an obnoxious, first-world rant about something as trivial as what shit to hang on the windows.

Luckily, positive me is at the helm.  I’m actually thrilled there are no window treatments in my kitchen.  Let them see me burn tomato sauce so thoroughly that I scorched a Le Creuset dutch oven beyond repair.  Let them see that I eat most of my meals with my fingers while standing up. 

I’ve lost all pride at this point so why not throw open the scene for all the neighborhood to see?

Tune in tomorrow, when I discover the silver lining of having kids in two different schools, both of which start WEEKS after everyone else.  (Hash tag: Why are there no kids over the age of 2 at the park? and My kids are sick of me and I’m sick of them.)


28 thoughts on “Everything I Know About Window Treatments (I Learned From Not Having Any)

  1. Just put the earnest money down on a new townhome YESTERDAY . . . and gave the builder my woe-is-me-how-am-I-gonna-afford-to-put-blinds-on-all-these-magnifcent-windows sob story. Got ’em thrown in for free! Now I hope that works for the stainless steel fridge I want. Fingers crossed. (Now go put some clothes on, OM.)

    • Oh lord, our issues with our fridge are a whole nother post. Damn thing won’t shut so when I’m sneaking into the kitchen under the cover of night in my skivvies for more ice cream, it’s like soup. Can you feel my first world pain? Congrats on the townhome!!! I love everything about it. I am super envious you got free window treatments. Like like a bazillion bucks in savings.

  2. I have this thing called Diana’s Law of Windows. It states that you can have sex/ambulate nakedly in full daylight even with zero window treatments, as long as the indoor lights are off, because of relative brightness. Although I’ve never tested that with the 12-ft distance, so it could be you’re proof of the flaw in my Law.

    BTW, two of my co-workers took trips to Chicago this summer and couldn’t say enough about what a great place it is.

  3. I still have no window treatments after 3 years. Except in the bathrooms. But my neighbors aren’t close and no one can see in bc of the layout. I think the windows look better without. I’m weird I know. And I totally get why you’d need them in a town home!

  4. So funny (although probably not when you want some privacy.) I’ll check for old curtains to lend you in the interim. I may have some. Even if you tack up a blanket in the kids’ rooms, all of you may get more sleep.

  5. Simple solution that won’t use up the contents of your linen closet or your bank account: go over to your local Home Depot/Lowes and head to the window covering section. For something like $5 a blind, you can get some heavy duty temporary paper blinds. They even come in different colors and let different levels of light in. You cut them to fit your windows and stick them up (they come with double sided tape already attached). And they have little clips that let you “open” them if you feel like looking at the neighbors look at you. We’ve had them in most of the places we’ve lived while we beefed up the bank account for such frivolities as window coverings. From outside the townhouse, everyone will think you sprung for new blinds and only you’ll know they’re paper. When you’re ready to upgrade, chuck ’em in your recycling bin.

  6. I mean, right? It’s astonishing how much window treatments cost. Ikea is a great idea. Also, for kids’ room, I found a good solution at Target. I love when people tell me they have designers making their window treatments and they’re thousands of dollars. Que en el mundo? I’d rather use that to be on the beach somewhere for a week, but that’s just me. Good luck! Also? I mostly stand while I’m eating also, and I don’t have window treatments in my kitchen either. What?

  7. Haha! I’m laughing at your comment above re:Willy.

    I get the living close part (we do here too but from the sides). I’m a fan of bare windows and didn’t have anything (but cheap stuff) for 7 years. Now I have plantation shutters on most windows (just in time to list the house).

  8. Our rental had blinds up on most of the windows, but I just hate them. They’re awkward and get all dusty and then they’re impossible to clean. I took a lot of them down (like the ones in the kids room because I was sure they were going to break them). I tacked up some tapestries in lieu of curtains. Very throwback to college dorm room style. I like the temporary paper blind idea julie@sowsewso mentioned.

  9. they have those temp paper blinds at bed bath and beyond. they actually look so good, one of my friends has had them up for three years! and fyi – no shame in tongue/fingers/fist in the ice cream tub. you go.

  10. Hey! I am making my way through my blog roll, catching up on everyone after being lazy all summer 🙂

    I don’t have any window treatments in my kitchen, and surprisingly I still have to worry about nakedness. If I want to run to the basement to get something out of the dryer, I have to go through the kitchen. And since I want to wear that thing in the dryer, I as often as not naked. It’s a problem. Yes, I have a robe, but it makes me hot. So, the dilemma is, wear the hot robe, or buy window treatments. Hot has won out so far.

  11. We’ve lived in this house for over 3 years and my husband keeps saying he wants blinds for the bedroom. I keep telling him to go get some then. He asks if I care if someone sees me naked, and because I’d rather walk around my neighborhood to see if you can see in my windows than actually get blinds, I discovered only my actual neighbors who are intentionally looking in from their second floor would be able to see. And if they are intentionally looking in, then they deserve to have their eyes burn from my nakedness.

  12. Cute little article, still has me wondering about having fun in the sun in the kitchen though – I think the police might be on there way…. 🙂

    If you need any ideas on what window treatments to buy, there are some great suggestions here.

    Until then, be glad you have some in your bedroom, neighbors or not, keep the privates in private! 🙂

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